ONE major issue in marital intimacy is s3x. I mean great s3x that helps a couple to bond. In many marriages, s3x at the initial stage can be real fun, especially if you have not been having it always or at all, during courtship. Why? New things generate excitement. You are eager to get into a new experience about the things. For example, owning a new automobile intoxicates you to get on the road as often as possible, so does acquiring a new dream dress. That’s why in Yoruba, it’s said “ Bi ode, bi ode ni o n se alaso tuntun, meaning, a person who has just bought a new dress always wants to go for every outing.
This is the same with marital s3x. When newly married, you are forever looking forward to exploring s3x, in the best way possible. I mean, you just want all of the actions involved in it. Of course, this will also be limited to your level of literacy about it. Even with the “s3x novice couple”, s3x in the initial stage is an ever ready, every day and moment affairs. What I am saying is that, no matter how poor the s3xual experience of a couple becomes, the beginning is always very sweet and interesting. You simply can’t get to have enough of each other in bed.
However, many couples have also discovered that after a while, which differs from couple to couple, s3x becomes unavailable, boring, and a duty affair rather than a love making one. Sometimes, it can feel like your s3x life has gone on a holiday break, without being intentional or planned. This is the time that looks like things are falling apart, so the centre is no longer holding. During this time, you complain or nag about everything; you get mad easily at each other, without any reasonable reason to offer. You keep wondering what has happened to your honeymoon experience and expectations.
At other times, though in rare cases, you may not even get mad at each other, but you just know that your s3x life is far from being the ideal for the married. Whichever is your experience, it’s not good for the health of your marriage. It requires urgent attention so as to secure the health of the marriage.
There are basically two issues leading to this absence of s3x in marriage which are:
Misunderstanding of the honeymoon as time bound: Couples spend days after the wedding ceremony for honeymoon. This is a time set apart for a couple to become s3xually intimate. The issue here is that many couples end their honeymoon during the set apart time. So, unconsciously, there’s the feeling that honeymoon is over, and this eventually plays out in the marriage. After a few years, with the challenges of life, s3x is relegated to the background. This makes s3xual Intimacy a difficult phenomenon.
Lack of time: After a few years, with the challenges of career building, work place demands and parenting, among others, couples hardly have time for a great s3x experience. This is when s3x becomes once in a blue moon and a duty bound exercise. The truth about this is that time is not a tenable excuse at all in the marriage. If something is important to you, like someone said, you will create time for it.
If s3xual intimacy is made a thing of priority to a couple, they will always create time for it. After all, despite the challenge of time, we still find a way around it to engage in other activities. The case of s3x should not be different. You and your spouse may feel overwhelmed by busy schedules and a lack of time. But its importance makes it mandatory for a couple to create time for s3x in the marriage.
According to the author of “The Six Pillars of Intimacy”, Aliza DeLorenzo with Tony DeLorenzo, “s3xual intimacy is the only one that’s always just about you and your spouse. The other five pillars—emotional, physical, financial, spiritual, and recreational—can involve people beyond your spouse. For example, sharing your thoughts and feelings with a friend will affect your emotional intimacy. Worshipping with others at church influences your spiritual intimacy.
What’s special about s3xual intimacy is that it’s about only you two. Ignoring this crucial pillar for four or five weeks rarely goes well.”
How to make s3x happen
- Address it if it’s not happening. According to Aliza DeLorenzo, “It’s possible that you don’t have s3x and don’t address it. When you ignore the issue, you allow feelings of frustration and resentment to build. This causes cracks in both your s3xual and emotional intimacy. So, there’s the need for couples not only to talk about their s3x life, but they should address the issue of s3x not happening in the marriage.
- Duty s3x must be eliminated
Another thing that might happen is that you and your spouse end up having duty s3x, which is when s3x becomes something to check off your list. Duty s3x often suggests a bigger disconnect in one of The Six Pillars of Intimacy.” So, couples must set time aside, deliberately to discuss their s3x life in order to eliminate or reduce to the barest minimum, lack of s3x.
What you can do
- First, identify the “Why?” and the “What?” that is hindering your s3xual intimacy.
- Ask yourselves the following questions: why aren’t we making s3xual intimacy a priority? What is on our calendar that keeps us from having time together? What tasks keep us from connecting, and how can we share the burden?
- Cast the vision for what you want your s3xual intimacy to look like this Christmas. Perhaps you need to reassess your intimacy lifestyle during the holidays and decide on a plan together. You should also re-examine the definition of s3xual intimacy.
Too often, the thought of s3xual intimacy only refers to intercourse. In reality, s3xual intimacy encompasses everything about your s3xual connection with your spouse, including romance, initiation, and foreplay.
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This Christmas, consider romance, initiation, and foreplay, while intercourse is like a big wrapped present. Both kinds of gifts are enjoyable!
This is the season to protect your marriage by prioritizing s3xual intimacy. Do what it takes to be there for your spouse and choose to foster emotional intimacy alongside s3xual intimacy. Not only will it bring you and your spouse closer, but it will also set you up for success in the New Year.
You can avail yourself of copies of my books, •enjoying great s3x life, and how to help your wife enjoy s3x. Contact 08112658560 for details.
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