THIS thought about marriage crossed my mind for the first time due to the experience I had with a woman, who was always quarrelling with her husband. I was always praying with her that God would change her husband, so that there would be peace in their home. But, a day came that she had a display against her husband, right in the presence of my husband and I. With that display, it dawned on us that she was the problem of her marriage.
The truth of the matter is that many people are their own enemy. That is, proverbially, the insect that is destroying the vegetable is attached to it. You don’t need to look far to find solutions to the marital challenges of some people. The solutions lie within them. It can be stated that a man’s enemy is an insider. The following reveal the hurtful things that you may be engaging in that are destroying your marriage.
As humans, we tend to overlook our own mistakes and find faults with the other person instead. We do this often, most times without even consciously realising it”. Taking steps to redress them will bring an end to the stress of the marriage.
- Taking your spouse for granted
When you act as if your spouse has no choice but to put up with anything you do. It will eventually backfire. You will push him or her to the wall at one point, and he or she will surprise you big time by his or her reaction. Like Thomas Hardy wrote, in the book,TESS OF THE DUBERVILLES: “continual dropping will wear even a stone.” So, don’t stretch your luck too far, otherwise, you may miss the jackpot. No matter for how long you have been getting away with your irritating act, it will surely backfire one day. I remember a man who was in the habit of beating his wife, and getting away with it by apologising. The last time he did it was what ended the marriage. So, stop taking your spouse for granted.
- Breathing down the neck of your spouse.
While being around your spouse all the time is desirable, the reality is that you cannot have him or her 24/7 to yourself. Everyone needs a space to be with others. When you always want to know who is on phone with him or her; who is seeing him or her; you must give prior approval to every outing. All due to fact that you are over possessive. It will eventually be the albatross of your marriage. While spouses must be accountable to each other, there must also be room for healthy independence. Boundaries of accountability should be set in order not to hurt your spouse. Nagging your spouse over keeping other friends outside your circle of influence could become burdensome. Your partner will like to be able to talk to and hang out with other people without you watching them like a hawk.
- You allow previous bad experiences to negatively impact on your marital trust
Some people carry with them bad experiences from their past relationships into their marriage. They become insecure and suspicious of their spouses, at the slightest opportunity. For you to carry the baggage of your previous bad experience into your marriage as a template, is inimical to the health of the marriage. Trust is the heart of every relationship, including marriage. In fact, marriage demands the highest level of trust, and this must be, if the marriage will work. One bad apple makes all apples bad treatment, should not be the case in marriage.
As a matter of fact, one bad behaviour should not be a reference point in marriage. Not learning to deal with each spouse, or each situation, on merit, will end up being hurtful to the marriage. You need to be able to have complete trust in your spouse; that is the only way your marriage will work out.
- You’re Being Toxic:
“Toxicity is labelled as love so often, that most people can’t differentiate between the two. Every time you ask your partner to not go out without you because you hate being without them, you are being toxic. As harsh as it may sound, you need to realise that you cannot be a toxic person, not only will it damage the relationship, it will also harm you and your partner as individuals and you do not get to mess with another person’s mental health in the name of love or marriage.
- You Are A Cheat
If you find yourself flirting with other people, then you are a cheat and disloyal to your spouse. When you don’t give your spouse random access to your phone, hiding messages, and deleting chats, then you have skeleton in your cupboard. Many people consider physical intimacy with opposite sex outside marriage as the only form of cheating, but this is not so. Every time you do something with a person other than your spouse, and find the need to hide it from them, you’re cheating. “A loyal person is loyal every time, not as per their convenience”.
- You Make Assumptions:
This means jumping into conclusions about your spouse. You think you know the reasons for all their actions. You assume he is deliberately starving you of funds; he doesn’t love your people, and he/she doesn’t like being with you in company of his colleagues. “So many times, people ruin a completely good thing because they made an assumption about their partner.” I have come to realise that many married couples relate based on assumptions about their spouses a lot. Instead of asking for information about what has happened, we begin to conclude based on what we assume is responsible for the incidents.
If you are guilty of any of the above, you may be the troubler of the peace in your marriage. So, stop blaming your spouse, and go treat yourself before you destroy your marriage.
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