We listen, we don’t judge

I bring you greetings from Lagos. As a street slogan collector, I have many new ones, but my favourite so far is: We listen, We don’t judge!

Over the years, human communities have significantly transformed in many aspects to suit the times and the needs of their people. We have seen various nuances come up and go based on events, storylines and others seeking to pass a message or, in some cases, just for fun. Even though most nuances are better explained as trends may have started for fun, it is impossible to dissociate key lessons away from these trends.  They can be in the form of words, a specific action, a mode of dressing, signs or based on the peculiarities of the society at that time.

Interestingly, social trends in today’s world are more than a fleeting phenomenon. They are the heartbeat of our societies and a mirror showing the reflections of our collective desires, fears, and values as a community. These trends, having emerged from the confluence of societal and cultural shifts, technological advancements, and human experience, have shaped how we interact and perceive the world. At their core, we get insights into societal priorities, which lend a voice to movements and values that might otherwise remain silent due to prejudices.  

From the hashtags that publicise them to the causes and challenges therein, humans have been able to bring their various communities together with these trends, which serve as both catalysts for change and indicators of the state of our humanity. Nigerians naturally are used to lining behind hashtags that stand to make big changes in the communities. The publicity and support make these tags trend and gain nationwide adoption. An example is the famous EndSars hashtags, BringBackOurGirls, and many others of diverse natures.

In the final quarter of 2024, just as it happens annually, a social media trend that gripped Nigerians with equal parts fascination, excitement and unease emerged. The trend that came under the tag “We Listen, We Don’t Judge” came at a time when the media space was just relaxing from the loads of trends ongoing on TikTok specifically and other social media platforms.  It came at a time when the nation was wading through the forest of economic crises amidst hunger and untold hardship. For many Nigerians, there were no assurances for a “Detty December” or “Oblee”, and then from nowhere out of the creative community of TikTokers came a trend that made Nigerians forget their worries at least momentarily.

It came as the digital confession of our times. Here, people share real-time or anonymous tales of their past actions, which sometimes are uplifting and, other times, downright scandalous. The idea was to pass a message or make revelations without expecting to be “dragged” online, especially as these trends became popular on Twitter (x), where everyone collects wotowoto. On one end of the spectrum, there were stories of kindness and rare humanity that reminded us of the goodness still alive in our society and at the same time, there were revelations that made jaws drop and made the audience question the decaying moral values in our communities’ betrayals, malicious revenge, workplace sabotage, and even outright wickedness.

Initially, the trend came out as a harmless outlet for self-expression without biases. After all, who does not want a space to vent without the fear of being dragged? However, on deeper reflection, listening without judging revealed something unsettling about us as people in the contemporary world. Perhaps due to the acclaimed wokeness we take pride in. The revelations came in the form of a growing comfort with flaunting moral decadence in public space under the cloak of anonymity. This boldness begs the question: Have we lost the value of shame, or are we simply living in an era where anything goes as long as it’s “trending”?

The genesis of  “We Listen, We Don’t Judge”  is likely tied to our society’s harsh judgment culture. We are Africans, and we are quick to import our biases into situations. Just a few days ago, the internet came to life when a popular influencer got the dragging he deserved over an alleged financial anomaly. It turned out to be a prank, as he explained. The quick reactions from netizens showed how fast Nigerians are getting online savages. In essence, people are very much tired of being crucified for their mistakes and missteps. Expressing themselves with anonymity offers a chance to share without fear of backlash, to exhale deeply and let out those pent-up confessions. But as much as this trend feels liberating, it is equally a dangerous double-edged sword. It is like spilling secrets into the wind without having control over where it lands. For every person who uses the platform to unburden their soul, there are others whose stories glorify lousy behaviour, normalising what should remain unacceptable.

If, for a moment, we choose to justify the displays of successes via the means, we should remember that social media, in its entirety, is already filled with “hard work pays” narratives that border on vanity. The intention might be to inspire, but in a society where envy and bitterness are as common as roadside suya, oversharing your wins can easily backfire. Hence, there is a need to talk about the importance of “keeping a concealed mouth.”

Several old Nigerian adages teach concealment even though we shy away from them. These adages have served those in the past, and they all serve us equally if we take caution. This is the truth we have been running from. It isn’t brilliant that one shares every accomplishment online with the world. Truthfully, success is sweet, and sharing one’s journey can motivate others, but there should be a thin line between inspiration and incitement. This is where we need to draw the line.

Stories abound of people whose publicised wins brought them unnecessary trouble: friendships turned sour, families torn apart by envy, or worse, becoming targets for theft or crime, especially at a time when the nation is struggling to keep criminals at bay. Invariably, silence in a society where not everyone wishes you well becomes a virtue and is not only golden. Secrecy, in most cases, is not deceit. It is tantamount to wisdom. It is the understanding that not every part of one’s life is for public consumption.  Personal wins should be celebrated with those who genuinely care for you. It is better to share lessons and not brag about wins and accomplishments. Putting this into practice requires adopting the pause button strategy. Before anything, ask yourself:   what values does your story hold, or are you just feeding the noise? If it’s the latter, it’s better to hold your peace.

Going back to the confessions. It would be unfair to outright disparage them and label those who make them with names. However, it is important to clarify one or two aspects here. At first, there’s nothing wrong with acknowledging one’s mistakes. In fact, acknowledging them is a sign of growth. Even at that, confession without accountability is like shouting into a space. It changes nothing and helps no one.  When people confess to malicious acts without remorse or a desire to change, it only creates a pattern and becomes performative, passing the wrong ideas to the masses. Worse still, it sets a precedent that it is okay to do wrong if you can laugh about it later.

Our society cares about morals and holds specific values in high esteem. As 2025 begins, let us talk about these trends. For those sharing success stories, adopting a principle of humility and discretion will go a long way in protecting the overall essence of putting the stories out.  Your story should be about the lessons learned, not just the accolades earned. On the other hand, individuals who post past misdeeds should pick cues and shift the focus from airing dirty laundry to showcasing transformation and growth. Remember, we are in a digitised world, and the internet does not forget.  Most importantly, our societies need more stories of redemption, kindness, and positive vibes and less romanticising of bad behaviour. These would transform greatly into the values we desire as a community and influence the qualities of positivity we embrace as people.

No doubt, the “We Listen, We Don’t Judge” trend has taught us two things we should hold onto dearly. The first is the reality that people are so desperate for spaces to be heard without condemnation. Secondly, society needs to strike a balance between openness and restraint. Especially as we all agree now that there is strength in understanding when to speak and when to remain silent. As we move into a new year, it is essential to channel our energies wisely. Share with purpose, not for clout. Protect your peace and your progress by keeping some things sacred. After all, the loudest achievements often come from the quietest corners. In 2025, may our voices and actions reflect a society that values growth, wisdom, and intentionality.

 Remember, not every gist dem dey carry for head. Sometimes, the real power lies in silence.

Happy 2025! 

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