Case A: Mr and Mrs Alabi have been married for 21 years and they have been blessed with three children aged 19, 17 and 15 years respectively. The first two children are girls while the last born is a boy. The marriage can best be described as chaotic and turbulent despite their high level of education and financial empowerment.
Mr Alabi likes staying out late and womanising. And when he returns home late, the wife, who has never been able to stop worrying about him – whenever he is late, will feel some initial relief that he is home safely. And then her disappointment, frustration and anger will well up and she is usually unable to restrain herself from tongue-lashing him for his careless and risky behaviour. And things usually go south from there…..with physical assault and beating from Mr Alabi.
The children have become resigned to the pattern and even though they would be in their rooms, every word of the harsh exchanges and the physical beatings appeared to be taking place right inside their rooms.
The girls wondered why their mother would not just leave him and move away and divorce him, especially as there is always never a peaceful day….except one parent has travelled out of town.
The situation is not helped by the fact that their father does not provide money for housekeep and their school fees on a regular basis. He will frequently ask them to go and meet their mother who is also working.
Unfortunately, their mother had gradually become very bitter over the years and would habitually take out her frustrations on the children. She is always insulting their father in their presence and warning them not to be like him.
Her worst insult, whenever they made a mistake, was to announce that they were taking after their irresponsible father. And to remind them that it was because of them she was staying in the house and putting up with their father…so they can have a stable home to grow up in. She didn’t want them to grow up as children from a ‘broken home’ she will announce, like a self-sacrificing heroine.
The children, however, were always uneasy and did not appreciate either parent for their lifestyle and the terrifying experience that living in the house had become for them. The oldest was already having a series of affairs with several boys and even older men, including a teacher in her school.
She was seeking the love and affection that is sorely missing from her home, and to be treated like she was special. The younger sister told her best friend in school that she wishes both her parents will just die, and they can maybe have a home where there will be peace and not fear and worry every single minute. But she recognizes these were bad thoughts and she would try to stop thinking that way.
Their last born is usually quiet and timid at home, but becomes a bully once he is in school. He hits anyone who crosses him so hard that he inflicts injuries – using whatever weapon is handy. His ferocious nature and temper had earned him a reputation in school that makes every other pupil scared of him.
He enjoys the attention and the naked fear he sees in their eyes, if he so much as looked their way. Thus, he naturally became a bully and would collect their lunch packs and throw them into the dustbin – just for the fun of it.
He also had his own loyal cult of friends who hailed him and were ready to do his bidding all the time. Thus, he enjoyed being outside the home where even teachers were afraid of him, and he could force others to obey him.
He recently started taking cannabis and Tramadol, to enhance his ‘bad boy’ credentials and make him forget difficulties at home. His next step is planning how to beat up his father next time he touches his mother in his presence. And then maybe he will leave the home and stop going to school.
He could make money working as one of the boys for the local politician….and he will eat everyday and get free cannabis and Tramadol. And most importantly he will be free of his parents. That will be the life he imagined to himself and smiled as he inhaled a long drag of his joint.
Postscript: There are several variations of dysfunctional family environments that are damaging our children and the future of our society. And these have far-reaching emotional and societal ramifications for all concerned.
Join us next week as we explore the emotional consequences and transforming our families into a safe haven for our children to be nurtured.
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