Second missionary journey

Yetunde’s first marriage lasted nine years, nine turbulent years. It was like she knew nothing about Wole until the day after the wedding. They quarreled over virtually everything.

He couldn’t live with her job and she didn’t understand why he had to travel so much when she needed him more. Her mother-in-law was unbearable. Wole too found Yetunde’s father overbearing. Twice she moved out of the house but on the third strike, Wole filed for divorce and refused to speak with anybody except through his lawyer. And that was the beginning of a more turbulent divorce. They fought dirty, over property, over custody. It was long and sad, sadder than the union itself. At the end of the whole drama, Yetunde ended up with a broken spirit, her heart had been shredded by the third year of the marriage anyway, three young children and a resolve to stay away from marriage forever.

She was only 33 when her marriage broke down and she kept that resolve to stay away from marriage for 17 years. She threw herself into her career and raising her boys. She had so much energy and passion and she invested it wisely in everything but a long relationship. Yes, she dated but as soon as any man started hinting at anything permanent, she cut him off. Until at 49, she met Frank who somehow wore down that almost two decades old resolve. It started with a business lunch, then a dinner date and another dinner date and the rest is what we are celebrating next weekend, the fifth wedding anniversary of Yetunde and Frank. Five years of a great relationship, so great is this relationship we have to caution Yetunde to stop querying God and asking Him why He made her wait until she was 50 before bringing Frank.

A look around and you see many second marriages working better than first marriages. I do not have the statistics but there are more than a few case studies. The reasons why later in life marriages work may, however, not be so far-fetched.

Let’s start with the age and maturity factor. A 50-year-old bride does not have complicated or unrealistic expectations. Her temper is tempered. What had her flipping her lid at 25 most likely would pass without even a comment at 50. She has learnt over the years that it is not every action that deserves a reaction. She knows that happiness is a decision, not something you saddle your man with. Yes, he should make you happy but a mature woman knows that she also has a great role to create the happy song. Because the man is older too, he is not all over the place trying to prove a point to his friends or clubbing every weekend with the boys. He’s probably run out of oats to sow outside and just reserves what’s remaining in his sack for the duties at home.

Second chance couples usually have played the field and had their fill of escapades and just want to settle down to a quiet life of happiness. They also do not want to repeat the mistakes of the past.

Second time around, women usually marry for the right reasons. Men too, I suppose. At 50, a man’s six-pack or his new Range Rover are no longer a qualification. That he carries the latest iPhone or Samsung are good but they no longer make him a husband material. At a certain age, substance replaces frivolities. What’s a brand new car if he’s a bully who never paid his children’s school fees?

At 30, a woman’s ticking biological clock may prevent her from hearing other alarms. All she would be after is a man to fill her cup to overflowing without checking out the source of the liquid. Remember the story of ‘The Petrol Attendant and His Nozzle’? A desperate woman trying to get pregnant is like a car whose fuel gauge is blinking red, any nozzle will do. And that’s how she’d end up with adulterated fuel that may spoil her engine. A mature woman has her wits about her. Nothing matters more than her happiness at that stage. She examines the nozzle well before she opens her tank.

I heard older women are sexier, that like older wine they taste better. That most likely is true. A woman in her 40s and 50s is more in tune with her body and sexuality than when she was in her 20s. She knows now how to please her man and is not afraid to tell him how to please her. What could he possibly accuse her of; that she learnt new stuff from sleeping around? Oh, please.

At a certain age, we grow into who we really are and become more of our true selves. A woman, or even a man, at 55 is no longer work in progress. They are both fully grown and more primed to pick partners they have things in common with. Like in the case of Yetunde, she has a thriving event planning business. Her boys are grown and no longer at home except during the holidays. There are fewer distractions. All she wants is full-time companionship. Frank is knocking 60 and retired from a leading oil and gas international. They are no longer rushing out at 5.00am and returning tired and edgy at 9.00pm. They cook for each other and eating out doesn’t mean Yetunde is a bad wife.

Second marriages are usually without the heavy in-law pressure and interference. The two are better equipped to set boundaries and the extended families tend to respect older couples more. Besides, it is not so easy to bully a 52-year-old new wife or reduce her to tears.

In their first lives, second chance couples were either divorcees or widows and widowers. They have tasted loneliness and now appreciate their new partners better. They are likely to cherish each other more than they would have if they’d met and married 20 years ago. They’ll appreciate being a couple and having someone to share their daily life with.

When a 25-year-old woman marries a 32-year-old man, they most likely attempt to change each other instead of fitting into each other’s lives. Of course, sparks will fly but with mature older couples, they are both aware now that it is harder for people to change and that we can’t change our spouses.

So, if you are considering a second shot at marriage, do it for the right reasons. Chances that this second missionary journey will work is quite good.