Rape: How consent separates pleasure from crime

The other time  on Twitter, just like every other time when I just look out for the best of gossips and memes (since this is what we do more than seriousness), I ran into a very interesting thread of rape discussions from a league of social media medical influencers, then for the first time, I asked myself, do we really know what it means to rape someone?

A background into what would have been a sincere effort of emphasising the need to educate men about rape, turned into a public discussion was when a tweet-happy fellow responded to Dr Kelechi Okoro, a Medical Doctor, Preventive health enthusiast, Sexual and reproductive health advocate (and a healthertainer as is popularly known on social media), said: “Are women educated? Why would a woman spend quality time with a man, she goes home with him willingly, takes off her cloth willing then just decided to tease and stop the fun… suddenly! Please, if I beat up the lady without raping her, have I done wrong? Remember I didn’t force her to my house, she willingly came to me and willingly took off her cloth…”

A lawyer responded: “Please don’t say this thing outside so that you don’t get into trouble, I’m a lawyer and the legal position of consent is consent at all times; consent before and during the act. There is a case to that effect. If during sexual intercourse a woman says stop, any further penetration is rape! Please don’t go to jail out of ignorance and stop making many uninformed statements like your opening line, it’s very embarrassing.”

While engaging Dr Okoro on the need for education and how a man sees rape, she was quick to point that both male and female could be raped.

“Rape is a form of sexual violence when a person is physically coerced or forcefully penetrated– even if slight – of the vulva or anus, using a penis, other body parts or an object.

Both male and female can be raped. It is not restricted to only the female folk. For rape to happen, there must be an erect penis penetrating the anus in male or female, mouth or vagina in the female.”

Dr Okoro hinted that most people justify rape because they do not understand consent.

“As a man, if you do not understand what consent is all about, you might get accused of rape and be found guilty.

“We live in a society where men think that when a lady says no, she is just forming ‘hard to get’. In fact, a lot of men are used to getting NO from ladies and with more force or coercion the ladies submit! And this has gone on and on and has become a norm. Consent must be given freely and can be withdrawn at any point.

It is bigger than I thought.

“So technically, you’re saying if a lady says no during foreplay and she moans and enjoys the moment all along, and she probably helped the man unzip his panties and one thing led to another and sex happened, you mean she could sue for rape?” I asked.

“That she says yes today doesn’t automatically mean yes every other day or even 30 minutes later. Every woman has the right to a pleasurable and satisfying sexual life, free of violence and coercion. Even in marriage, if she says NO, it is rape,” she answered.

The Founder of heal for Africa Initiative also added that “Consent must never be assumed. That a person dresses inappropriately does not mean “Yes”. No is no. That a person is not a virgin does not automatically mean you can have sex with them. That you have had sex before doesn’t automatically mean yes. Silence does not mean yes; being asleep, intoxicated, fatigued or unable to say no at any point for whatever reason does not mean yes. When it comes to consent, only yes means YES.”

While official report of rape is still at the low ebb in our clime, it doesn’t negate the fact that rape is an almost everyday occurrence.

Dr Okoro explained that rape victims don’t report because of stigmatisation; “rape victims tend to be shamed and blamed instead of getting sympathy or empathy, but the truth is that rape is endemic in our society; happening right under our noses, but swept under the carpet by the victims, their families and the law.

“Housemaids are being raped by employers, children by fathers, older siblings and strangers; statutory rape, date and marriage rape…

“About 15 per cent of women and three per cent of men over 17 years of age report being raped at some time during their lifetime.

“Studies have shown that the majority of victims of sexual assault are not strangers to their perpetrator, they were raped on dates, or by a family member or friend.

“More than seven per cent of women and about 0.3 per cent of men are the victims of marital rape or rape by a former spouse, current or former partner they live with, or by a date at some time in their life,” she said.