Mental health and imperative of support system

A couple of months ago, I wrote an article about mental disorders and the debilitating effects they have on their victims. It was an eye opening experience for me that actually got personal. Sadly, mental disorders continue to go untreated and undiscovered and eventually leading to the collapse of the person. In the course of the year, we have lost a couple of people to depression. Anthony Bourdain and Kate committed suicide because of the pressure that came with living with depression. So many celebrities are speaking up but it seems in our part of the world, we still hide from it. We are still comfortable praying rather than taking action, forgetting that God has put these things in place to help us.  One of the very key ways to deal with mental disorder is to have an emotional support system. Yet it is one thing to be a friend but it is an entirely different thing to be a support system as that is what is key and important in coping with mental disorders.

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Living with mental disorders can be isolating. It is a constant battle but rather than being a physical battle, it is a mental one. Like someone so eloquently puts it, it is like fighting with one’s own mind, constantly, not sure you will ever win. There is a vulnerability and sense of helplessness that comes with mental disorders, not being able to perform the most basic of tasks because your mental state will not allow you to. It is a constant battle that never quite ends, one filled with minor victories and major losses. It leaves you constantly unable to reach out, scared of being hurt and impossible to get someone else to understand. It is like falling into a pool of water and not being able to swim, drowning, unable to come up for air until it gradually sucks you in. A support system can be like a lifeguard who jumps in to save you at that point. He/she does not get you out immediately but feeling his or her arms on you carrying you gives hope.  A support system can be that hope for a person suffering from mental disorder. Support systems can be the tide that rein in the waves of emotion at a crucial time. Really, they can be just what you need to keep breathing. People with mental health problems can be very vulnerable and many need extra help and support both practically and emotionally.

One of the most important things to note is that you have to be willing to see the person. In a research that was carried out on those who care for those with mental disorder, all of them when asked, the carers agreed that “we need to look for the person underneath the illness”, as people with mental health problems have the same talents, intelligence, dreams, expectations, strengths and weaknesses as the rest of us. Only then can we give people the support they need. They hate to be classified as just a label as if that is all that they are. Being referred to as just a depressed person makes you feel so alone as if that is all that you can be. So as a support system, you have to listen and see the actual person, let them cry, let them laugh and allow them to dream and most importantly, treat them like you normally would. Listening empathetically without criticizing is an important step to achieving that.

There is no ‘one size fits all’ model for supporting someone with a mental illness. How you care for someone will depend on you and the person you care for. It can help to understand the diagnosis and how it affects the person you care for. This will help you to know exactly what the person needs whenever there are difficulties. Be patient, getting better can take time. The person you care for may have very challenging and complex behaviour, one that you do not seem to understand. This can cause a lot of stress between you and the person you are caring for,  so it will be important to always remember to be patient. Sometimes they might say things that will hurt your feelings or annoy you but being patient and trying to understand the emotions behind the words can make a world of difference. One other important aspect is encouragement and recognising small victories. The simplest things can be so difficult that when they are able to deal with those feelings and live in spite of them, the words you speak at that moment can determine how well they will respond the next time there are difficulties. Yet it is important to never take things for granted, for instance, just because a person with anxiety is able to attend a gathering successfully today does not mean they will be able to tomorrow. Every day is its own battle with a different set of combative skills. It is a never ending fight. Finally, always remember that you are not to blame if things get difficult, it is not your fault that the other person has bad days, it simply means that you have to patiently help them get through them. You do not have to carry the guilt, it is okay to take it one day at a time.

As a person living with anxiety, for instance, it feels so lonely sometimes. There are days getting out of bed  is a struggle; there are days living is pointless. There are also days I constantly struggle to do the most mundane things without panicking but when  I cannot seem to go on, a listening ear can turn my day around. And while some people have that one person, I have become comfortable realising that anyone can be my support system for the day. Something as simple as a smile, a comforting hug and a sincere encouragement can help me cope with the bad days. The feeling of not measuring up gets worse at night and sometimes pain seems like a way out but knowing that there is one person who cares keeps me going on. Mental disorder is an illness, one that is not seen but it can be managed, some even cured, with medical help and a strong support system. I hope we never shy away from being that support system for the sake of mental health in our society.

• Wale-Olaitan is of the Faculty of Education, Obafemi Awolowo University, Ile-Ife, Nigeria.