Dealing with marital conflicts

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One common feature of marriage is conflict. It is inevitable in marriage. Over the years, as a marriage counsellor and pastor, my husband and I, have had to deal with many of such conflicts. Conflicts in marriage are inevitable due to two major factors — personality and background differences of the marriage partners. We had dealt with these two before in this column.

There are no two people who are the same in behaviour. For instance, my husband is an introvert and I am an extrovert. So, we have to manage these differences, with their advantages and disadvantages, to have a great marriage. The same goes for our family background as well.

Given these factors, conflicts cannot but arise. Like someone sang “Ko le se ki ija ma wa o”, meaning it is impossible for married couples not to have conflicts. The way out is for couples to understand from the onset that such conflicts must be solved for the marriage to be enjoyed rather than endured. That is the necessary recommendation for marriage. Even, tongue and teeth do have conflicts, though both dwell together in the same house − the mouth. Yet, they cohabit all the same.

Ordinarily, in marriage, there should be nothing like irreconcilable differences. There must be a way out of or around every conflict. As a popular saying that, there must be a way to surmount any mountainous obstacle on your way to progress by:

*Making a way through the mountain

*Going around the mountain

*Climbing the mountain to cross over

*Removing the mountain and carrying it out of your way, etc.

That is ordinarily what should be done with conflicts in marriage. Just find a way around it.

Shades of Conflicts

According to the Oxford Dictionary, conflict is a situation in which people, groups or countries are involved in serious disagreement or argument. It is also a situation in which there are opposing ideas, opinions, feelings or wishes. It also applies to the phrase ‘conflict of interest’, which makes two opposing views or opinions clash, when only one is visible.

This is the scenario in marriage, where a couple has divided positions on decisions affecting the family.

Such conflicts can be classified as follows:

*Communication conflict: Couples quarrel over the way communication is conducted. In most cases, it is about the way expressions are made in ways that portray a lack of respect and love for the husband or wife. We have many cases like this being handled by us. A recent one involved a man claiming that his wife disobeyed his directive about the children. In his words, “Can’t I talk to my wife?” But the wife considered his directive uncaring, considering that it was made just as she was settling down after a long day at work and on the road.

*Economic conflict, which has to do with financing the home. Husbands can feel the wife is ungrateful and too demanding, while the wife might consider the husband irresponsible. This often generates a lot of arguments, which have become serious a point of disharmony in marriage.

Physical and emotional conflict, the resultant effect is physical abuse. You have a lot of exchange of abusive words, that at times throw caution to the wind by the partners. In most cases, husbands are more guilty of physical assault, while wives are more on the side of verbal outbursts and assaults.

*Conflict of infidelity. This is becoming a common occurrence in many marriages. Wives are becoming more involved, unlike in the past. We have many cases around accusations and counter accusations of infidelity by couples. I am already working on a write-up to alert married couples of the fact that infidelity is becoming easier to engage in. So, we need to wear nose masks because it is in the air everywhere. This is a serious conflict point that can mar or break a marriage.

*Sexual conflict. I decided to separate this from infidelity to give it a little more attention. Sex is a call of nature which must ordinarily be answered when it comes. One of the reasons for marriage is sexual fulfilment. Many conflicts mismanaged by couples have behind them sexual dissatisfaction. Unfortunately, couples usually shy away from disclosing this when they talk about their conflicts in the open. They leave the real culprit and will be chasing shadows.

*Family background conflict. Since the two parties came from different family backgrounds, they often grow up with different and conflicting upbringings, and it is usually a herculean task helping them to blend. So, a lot of time and effort go into settling differences. It is common to hear a partner claiming “We didn’t handle things that way in my parents’ house.” One man said he never saw his father cooking, so it was so strange to him for his wife to request his help in the kitchen. A wife also claimed all bills must be paid by the husband because that was the way her parents operated.

*Third-party conflict. Couples fight because parents, friends, colleagues, siblings, neighbours, etc. interfere in their marriage. You often hear claims about third parties condemning attitudes and acts in other people’s marriages. Some of them will say they cannot bear with their spouses half of what their friends, colleagues or siblings, go through in their marriage. So, husbands are set against wives. Whereas, it is a known fact that no two couples are the same. So, what works for one may not necessarily work for the other. Even in general principles of marriage, we have differences. Deployment of the five love languages readily comes to mind here.

These shades of conflicts are stressors in marriage, and if not properly understood and handled, they could end up being the demise factor in marriage. Couples should therefore take time to handle things with great wisdom to minimise the occurrence of conflicts in the marriage.

Many marriages are in bad shape these days. This is not good for our society. So, we all must work towards handling things so that we can enjoy ourselves in marriage, rather than the stress we put ourselves through.

Best wishes to us all as we journey through the year 2024.

You can avail yourself of copies of my books, ‘Enjoying Great Sex’ and ‘How to Help Your Wife Enjoy Sex. Please contact 08112658560 for details. SMS only.

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