Recently, a lady in Abuja was reported to have killed her husband following a disagreement. What are your views on that?
As someone in the fore-front of fight against sexual and domestic violence, when I hear stories like that of the woman who stabbed her husband because of the text message she saw in his phone, it breaks my heart. Why? Because it shows there is still so much work to do in this area. Enough awareness needs to be done to enlighten people about the danger and consequences of domestic violence, about adaptation and emotional intelligence. We also need work on building self-confidence, self-worth, self-love, and so on. This is all we teach and do at the Complete Concept Initiative forum. We teach men and women to believe in the greatness and potentials that lies within them. We also teach them to believe in themselves and stop depending on others for happiness. We expose them to anger management because it is one of the root causes of domestic violence like we can see in the case of the woman who stabbed her husband. You see, if so many people are exposed to adequate knowledge on all the aforementioned topics, I am certain the number of people who take another person’s life because of jealousy, anger and infidelity and so on will drastically reduce and they can use it to influence and affect others. Such stories break my heart. Why? What for? Why not just walk away if you can’t handle the pressure any longer? It is better than hurting someone or committing murder. All these hurts and violence has terrible effect on the ones left behind, like the children, family and friends. And what about spending the rest of one’s life in prison because of anger, impatience, jealousy and so on? Why? It is an act that is widely condemned and could be avoided.
Why are you into fight against domestic violence?
I am passionate about fighting domestic violence. That means it is a passion, passion is ignited by something that “angers” you. Something you feel is not right and want to see corrected. You see, with love and peace in our homes and society, we will achieve a lot and raise generations of peace loving people too. I am not doing it in my strength but by the grace of God and also on my knees. I do a lot of studies, denying myself a lot to fight against injustice, especially to women and children. But I don’t think I have done much compared to what needs to be done and there are a lot of territories to be taken. I started my ministry with women, children and prisoners 15 years ago. I will say it is a calling because if God doesn’t send and back me up, I wouldn’t have achieved much.
Secondly, the experience I gathered in ministering to female inmates in the prisons helped a lot. Because I realised 50 per cent of cases in the prisons, especially females, were directly or indirectly linked to one form of abuse or the other. You know, one thing leads to another. And like I said, it’s something that angers me and I started looking for ways to reduce it, even if we can’t completely stop it. And I thank God we are getting good responses, especially from men. And the women can now speak up and not pretend it’s not happening like most of them used to.
Your experience as a gender advocate?
I am an advocate against sex and domestic violence. I fight for women, the girl-child and men and “the boy-child.”I will like to tell you some discoveries I made in the cause of working with abused women or victims of domestic violence. I discovered so many men were victims of domestic violence as well, but they are always shy to speak out. When you hear of a man being stabbed to death by a woman, if proper investigation is carried out, it will be discovered that the man had been suffering for a very long time. But why that of a woman is more publicised is because the woman is seen or rather should be seen and treated as the weaker vessel.
I have had so many experiences, but one that will stay in mind forever is that of a woman who was so maltreated by the man that she lost every will to live. She lost her sense of worth because the husband who is the abuser used to abuse her verbally, physically, emotionally and psychologically. He kept telling her she is completely useless and not fit to live. And because that’s the only language she has been hearing, at a stage, she believed it and started acting it. That is just the manipulative schemes of an abuser because he wants to make the victim completely loyal to his control and intimidations. So many people go through physical abuse and get their scars healed, but emotional abuse goes beyond the hurt to totally damaging a person’s self-worth and will to live and be a useful person to herself and her society. Why? Not because she wants to, but because someone made her to lose hope in herself, her abilities and her God-given potentials. There are some many experiences I can’t mention here.
How do we tackle gender violence in Nigeria?
One of the ways to tackle gender violence is exactly what we are doing now and that is creating awareness. If we create enough awareness and people get to know their rights and know that domestic violence is not acceptable like it used to be some years back, then, we are solving the problem little by little. Another way is the involvement of the government and our legislators. If we can have enough laws to punish perpetrator of such acts and make sure they are enforced, then, I guess we have almost solved it because the problem is not in passing laws, but making sure offenders are prosecuted. Also, educating victims to speak up and stop covering up their abusers. This has been a major hindrance in this fight. Because most times, we had cases that some women who nearly died as a result of abuse were brought to us and we reported the case at the police station and we wanted to charge the abuser to court, but the woman will ask us not to charge him to court because she doesn’t want her husband and the father of her children to go to jail. Some women, in spite of the pains and scars on their body, will keep saying they love their husbands, the same man who almost killed them. I will always tell them that if that man loves you as much as you do, he will never lay a finger on you. Most times, men do that so that the women can leave but they still stay claiming to be in love, despite scars all over their bodies every now and then. So, in tackling the issue of gender violence in Nigeria, the victims need to cooperate to make it a success.
Why would having more women in political positions will aid gender equality?
If we have enough women in position of authority, definitely it means we will have quality representation because who else can fight for you if not someone who knows and understands your pain? But on the other hand, if the few we presently have speak passionately with one voice, I guess it will go a long way. They are trying, but I believe they can still do better.
Any advice for young girls?
They should first love themselves so they can live purposefully in order to fulfil their God-given destinies. Also, they should take life easy and take education very serious because when you educate a woman, you are solving about 40 per cent of the problems in the society. Most, if not all, responsible women will definitely raise responsible children in future. Girls should empower and develop themselves. Work on their self-esteem, self-worth and self-confidence so that they can stand to face obstacles that comes their way in future, rather than acting needy, inferior and displaying vulnerability that some men love to prey on. If you don’t present yourself as weak or a liability, no man will take you for granted and eventually abuse you. Develop yourself and be financially empowered. Never be desperate to get into a relationship or marriage.
If you know your worth, you will take your time and wait for the best and be close to God. The wisdom you need to deal with life issues comes from God and God alone.
and then