I am writing this as a strong appeal to married couples to do all within their ability to revisit the love that is shared in marriage. I came up with this because it appeared to me that the love shared before marriage seems to differ from what obtains in the marriage. That is why I think married couples actually experience two types of love in their life time: pre marital love and marital love. During the period of pre marital love, couples can never have enough of themselves. The features here include being the first and the last to talk to each other on a daily basis; unending phone calls and sms to ask after each other regularly during the day. Even, if at work, the two don’t mind spending part of the official time talking and chatting with themselves; daily visitations are not a luxury, but a must that the duo are not stingy about; public outings both during the week as well as weekends are regular routine; material gifts of significant and non significant value; bending over to apologise to each other; readiness to outshine each other in verbalising how much they love each other. In fact, it is a situation of heaven on earth such that the trip to the altar to say “I do “ is made at the shortest time possible.
The dream and vision for a great marriage becomes so real at this point. It reminds me of the vision of my marriage as written on the wedding invitation: “Our life together will be a song, a poem, a monument to love, and a memorial to the Holy Spirit, who brought us together.” At this point, you are ready to give every thing it takes to make your dream come true by taking those dream strides to the altar.
The marital love presents us with the working out of the marriage vision or dream. The euphoria of the new status of the newly wedded wanes, especially after the first two years of marriage. This is the stage referred to in FIVE LOVE LANGUAGES book of Gary Chapman as the in- love phenomenon. Many factors begin to play out as challenges of the married life. Thus, the premarital love begins to wane, giving way to the marital love. This is when many couples begin to drift apart, thus drastically impacting negatively on the features of the premarital love.
Here, the daily “ I love you” slogan becomes occasional, the frequently written sms and phone calls suffer neglect, the usual gifts stop flowing, or at best become once in a blue moon, public outings, appreciation remarks, loving touches and looks, all become a thing of the past. It is at this point that many married couples begin to feel that a mistake of choice of partner had been made. This dream of a great marriage starts looking like a mirage, while wondering about what happened to love.
Factors of marital love
- New discoveries about each other. These come in little as well as big issues: laying of bed, pressing of toothpaste, house cleaning and arrangement among others
- Financial challenges never anticipated. Money plays a major role in marriage. When it does not flow as expected, it puts burden on the marriage. If finance is not property handled through patient and understanding, it puts a lot of strain on the spouse.
- Taking things for granted about each other. Taking soft and gentle disposition of one’s spouse for granted. Liberality in spending, peaceful nature among others are also included.
- It’s time to be real: love is no longer blind at this stage. Each partner starts living for real, rather than continuing to act or live in pretext.
All these affect marital love that should be an improvement on the premarital love. It is at this point that love becomes deformed, rather being transformed or conformed. This, in essence means that if the premarital love is not improved upon in marriage, it should at least be maintained. But, the reality for many couples is that love becomes deformed, losing many features of the premarital love. This is why love must be rekindled for marriage to deliver on that beautiful dream or vision of a great marriage to become a reality.
How to rekindle marital love
- Learn how to manage those challenges listed above such that you can bring those features of the premarital love back into your marriage. It is possible and realistic since you were able to achieve that in the first one or two years of the marriage. What you did at the beginning of your marriage is what you need to continue to do for that same love to be rekindled. Making those beginning sacrifices will bring back the spark of the premarital love in your marriage. It is the magic wand that is needed to make your home that dream land you got wedded for. So, go for it, and you will be in your dream land, with time.
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