With the many risks associated with infidelity like lies, getting caught in the act, venereal diseases, fund depletion, loss of regard, loss of the marriage, life and the likes, one cannot but marvel at the ever increasing rate of infidelity. Why is it so thriving and attractive these days. What are husbands doing with side chicks, and wives doing with a male benefactor or sugar daddies or side cocks?
With the engagements I have had in marriage counseling, I have come to discover that the greatest fuel for infidelity is the search for peace, which usually becomes scarce in many marriages after a while, in most cases. Couples give each other a lot of stress in marriage. It becomes worse when they throw caution to the wind in most cases. In fact, the «I care less» attitude makes infidelity a simple and easy escape route for many.
When a wife wonders about what her husband sees in a lady who is of less beauty and social status, the simple answer is peace. Or when a husband is at a loss about why his wife would stoop so low as to become involved with a guy or a sugar daddy, the one way answer is peace.
When the home is turned to a war front, or a battlefield, infidelity provides a peace haven for the couples in such homes. Many husbands going clubbing and late night after office hours are seeking for the elusive peace in the marriage. Same goes for many wives who will stay out late.
Wrong Assumptions about infidelity
Sexual enjoyment: It’s a general feeling that infidelity is basically for sex. Many at times, it is not so. It’s lack of peace. The guy or the babe is simply looking for a place to cool down or have a peace of mind. The sex is simply a by-product of infidelity. Majority of people involved do so for lack of peace in the marriage. Do you realise that due to erection problem in males, and dry vagina in females, not much sex is available in infidelity? Rather, it is the cuddling, the sweet words of encouragement, the massaging of body and ego, and companionship that mostly take the centre stage in infidelity
Even when great sex is enjoyed in infidelity, such is made available due to the peace of mind they (partners in lust) give each other. Infidelity partners treat themselves nicely: they respect each other, speak gently with each other and have unexplainable caring for each other. That›s why it›s often said that concubines treat each other as there is no one else in their world. This is what is called in Yoruba land, “Ase ale jeje bi eniti ko rI obinrin ri”. You are just careful not to scare him or her away. Remember, the greatest sex organ is the mind. Sex, especially great and romantic sex, flows better in the atmosphere of a peaceful mind.
Monetary and other asset benefits assumption: This is not often the case in infidelity. If this assumption is so, why are rich guys, top executives, etc getting involved in the game of infidelity? It’s simply and majorly for peace. They are searching for the peace which is elusive in the home. Though it’s a game of peace, it doesn’t bring lasting peace. It’s a matter of time and the bubble will burst.
One woman said about her adulterous ways that “I can’t come and die of stress». Many accidents on the highways or suicide are due to lack of peace of mind of the victims. They get carried away with their marital issues or challenges of life while they are behind the wheels.
That’s why if we must end or reduce to the barest minimum, infidelity, the best therapy is the peace therapy. Let married couples make peace priority in the marriage and it will sweep infidelity off.
How to make peace a feature in your marriage
- It should be an intentional decision. Decide that you will pursue peace in your home at all cost. Don’t assume it will be difficult to achieve, rather convince yourself that it will be achieved, come what may.
- It should be a mutual decision. The couple must be ready to pursue peace as a mutual responsibility. While you are two individuals, marriage makes both of you to pursue mutual interests in the union. Without the mutuality in the marriage, the marriage cannot deliver its best to the couple.
- Minimise all stress factors. Money, sex, children, extended families, etc are major sources of stress in marriage. These should be handled in a way that the stress of each is reduced to the barest minimum.
- Focus more on your strength and less on your weaknesses. This helps you to be emotionally stable in order to stay free of walking on the edge in your marriage. It’s a self-esteem enhancer to focus on your strength
- Celebrate and appreciate each other. It’s a fact of life that one tends to hang in there, where he or she is appreciated and celebrated. Many couples don’t have the culture of appreciating each other. Instead, it’s always one complaint or the other.
- shun comparing your spouse to someone else, or your marriage with that of another person. Comparison in this wise gives the impression that the grass is greener on the other side. Thus, the tendency to measure up with the other person or marriage exerts undue pressure on the partners. Stop running your marriage on the timeline of another marriage, no two marriages or persons are the same.
- Remember that one man’s meat is another man’s poison. What works for the other marriage may not work for you. Hence, focusing on what works in the other marriage, will only put you and your spouse under undue pressure.
The point I am making here is that if peace is the priority in the marriage, infidelity will be reduced to the barest minimum. What fuel infidelity is majorly the lack of peace in the home rather than the factors of sex and material benefits. Let couples raise the bar of peace at home and watch infidelity take a flight out of the marriage setting.
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