What you should know before you go to man’s home

MAN is a territorial specie and, like all of its male counterparts of other species, he has a natural instinct to mark and defend his territory. The typical male possesses a basic instinct not only to defend, but to also show off his territory, no matter how subtle he does it.

For human relationships, I think that one of the ultimate steps towards solidifying a relationship is when a man actually wants his female to come into his territory. Now, coming into that territory may be counterproductive or otherwise. It could be an invitation that could strengthen or truncate the whole relationship.

What am I saying?

There is obviously and undeniably a thin line between love and hate. It is so seriously thin. This is why it is possible for a feeling of intense love and passion to morph into one of bitterness, hate and regret the moment something goes awry in the relationship.

It is a path that must be taken with caution to avoid stories that touch the heart but have ruined many lives due to recklessness, ignorance or deliberate actions of commission or omission. Many ex-partners have also become sworn enemies.

What should you do when a man invites you to his territory?

Is there a way to decipher his intentions? Is the relationship so clearly defined that you can fully trust his intentions? I don’t want to put any blame on the devil or go religious on this. I do, however, embrace reality and morality.

It is not wrong to accept to visit a man in his house, particularly a male with which you are in a relationship with and with whom you share some level of intimacy. However, in so doing, there must be some level of trust that you both share.

Trust, on the other hand, is rather subjective. Many have trusted and have had their trusts betrayed.  I am not classifying men as rapists. They are so many mature, real men around. I am saying, however, that many female have had their feelings truncated and their bodies violated by the very persons they had loved and trusted. They have been victims of rape and many have kept the ugly fact in silence. The silence is strengthened by a misplaced feeling of guilt that she walked into the territory of a male with whom she shared an intimate relationship and that is enough rope for the society to hang her with.

Walking into your lover’s territory is not a pre requisite to sex. It is not and I’m seriously emphatic about it. Every right-thinking man knows or should know this. But before you follow him into that territory, that inner sanctum where it is just you and him alone, you must clearly be prepared for eventualities.

I am first human. I am female. I am feminine. I am a realist. I am naturally empathetic. What I am not is a noisemaker who does not even understand what feminism means. Also, my experience on my job brings me face to face with these realities. I have personal experiences that have I have learnt from most of which have shaped my view about relationships.

Stepping into the territory could bring either of three things:

Getting into a new level in the relationship, getting to know your man up close and personal.

Getting to share consensual sex

Getting into forced sex or rape.

What bothers the average female mind is how to determine what to expect and I say that there are no hard and fast rules because there is no fathoming the human mind.

Unless you are a psychic or an absolute clairvoyant, you cannot see fully the inner mind. You are only guided by what you see physically, or feel or trust which is why you must define what you want from the beginning. You don’t have to manage it or be afraid to discuss what works for you, just because you are afraid to lose your partner. If you do not yet feel comfortable with having sex, you do not have to be pushed. Tell him you are not ready. You will be surprised that he will be able to deal with it. But if he cannot, you will find someone that would agree to your terms someday.

Do not send mixed signals

This means allowing him to touch you and probably pet you so heavily. Bringing him so close to the edge and then withdrawing. I came across the case of a woman who was complaining that she was forced by the man to have sex. The man, in his own defense, said the woman had paid several visits to his house and that often times they would engage in a lot of heavy foreplay and the woman would often reach climax without actual penetration, after she would cut it short. But on this particular day, he could not take it any longer and had to just have sex with her.

I am not in any way justifying the man’s action because it is still non-consensual sex. The fact, is at a point she was not consenting any more but the reality was that she was selfish with her emotions and feelings. Always remember that no one likes to be teased endlessly or taken advantage of.

Don’t tease your man

Never tease a man, especially his feelings. Do not arouse feelings that you are not ready to mutually assuage. Men are very visual, don’t drive him to the edge and step back. It is very frustrating. If you drive him to the very edge, sending pictures, stimulating him with sexy chats and then walking boldly into his territory, getting a restraining order will be tough. Every pun intended. This is the uncomfortable reality.

Define your relationships

In the many stories that touched that I have had the privilege of being briefed, many have to do with relationships that are clearly not defined. You need to clearly define what you want and what you mean to your partner. Relationships that are ambiguous and lack clarity are what they are. It speaks for itself. Never give it your own meaning, observe and take your time. Take your time. Trust your intuition. I always believe it’s the sound of your soul. Often times, you are never wrong.

Okunniga is an Ibadan-based legal practitioner.