Should you tell your partner about past abuse, during the first few dates?

When use is unknown, abuse, they say, is inevitable. This lays credence to why there have been many abuse cases, either in relationships or outside of it.

This week on WhatsApp Conversation, we test the strength of secrecy against the openness of communication. The question to our respondents is whether they will inform their partners about abuse cases and how soon they would do that in a new relationship.

Eunice Jossy

Well, technically, I don’t consider someone I’ve been on a few dates with as a “boyfriend.” If that makes sense, you are only a boyfriend when we define what we want and where we are going. Once we cross that bridge, I definitely will because I don’t do fun dating. My every relationship is with marriage in view, so I will need him to understand where I’m coming from so that he doesn’t do things that will trigger the experience. And I really think that sometimes, sharing the past with someone you love helps you heal faster, especially if the person is empathetic.

Sylvester Divine

It is just that sometimes telling some people some intimate and sad experiences you had  creates pity. Pity is bad. Suppose they do not love you anymore; sometimes pity makes them stay. In that case, they don’t want to hurt you as others did and are willing to suffer in a relationship with you despite not loving you. It creates complicated psychological issues that might or might not be there

Aina Ifeoluwa

It  is always good for people to  earn their access to some information in your life; not everyone is mature enough to deal with things you survived.  Tread with caution to avoid releasing such private information to those who do not have the emotional intelligence to deal with it, to prevent it being used against you in the future. That can be very painful.

Mojeed Ajibola Obalolu

Lovers are expected to be open to one other. If the love is a real one, ladies can reveal their secrets to their beloved ones, and guys in return should bear with them and vice versa. This is one reason one should be in relationship with mature, intellectual and godly minds; otherwise, what you tell your lover can later be used against you.


Nifemi Ayodele

Of course, I will. It might even be the reason why I left the last relationship, so I need to tell the present one why I left. There is no point hiding something of such magnitude. As far as you have healed, or you are finding healing, it is necessary to be upfront about things of this nature. It will prevent some embarrassment and will make sure the other party is acting in line as well.

Enoch Olajubi

In situations like these, one’s partner is expected to serve as a succour and strength provider. This role is even more pivotal if there has been a history of abuse in the past.

However, given the influence and the penetration of the internet and the various experiences it portends and portrays, it is incredibly difficult to throw caution to the wind. That is why I might most likely not inform my girlfriend about such an occurrence.

Barnabas Chukwu

In a generation that propagates ending a relationship because of every flimsy reason, this is a bit problematic. The mere fact that everyone wants a girlfriend they want to have sex with and who has never had sex with anyone else, is an issue on its own. A lot of partners might overlook physical abuse, but they will be at sea as to how to process sexual abuse.

At best, it takes a partner that is significantly mature to keep the relationship going and not use the secret as a weapon when the defence is low.

Miracle Osaze

This kind of issue played out in a relationship I was aware of. Not everybody can withstand and process these kinds of stuff. That is why one must look well before leaping – you blurt out something like this to a person who cannot handle it, and you risk ending the relationship as a whole. That is if the other party does not even take it as a highway to doing the same. It’s a tough world out there.

Olamide Abiola

It is crucial to speak to the one you are in a relationship with. Many things can happen as a result of the fact that we all are human. However, to keep such an occurrence muted is to betray the trust of the one we claim to love. If such a secret is found out in the end, there will be nowhere to save face. It should be discussed as soon as possible!

Next week, we will be helping Leah smoothen out her relationship. Here is what she wrote:

My boyfriend and I have been dating for a year and seven months. I care for him deeply, but I don’t know how to show affection very well, and I want him to know I love him very much, but I’m unsure how. What do I need to do to show I care?

To be part of the next edition, send your response to 08136601345.


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