In this column, I have written on infidelity and its attendant consequences, one of which is out of wedlock children. To deal with infidelity, we have to look at what affects our intimacy as couples. This is due to the fact that the genesis of infidelity is generally due to lack of intimacy. To achieve this, there is the need to look at what affects intimacy, which is poor communication. A lot of quarrels of couples starts from poor communication.
Many people in marital relationships don’t know how to communicate. We just think that talking, reactions and actions get us to communicate. Really, most of the talking, reactions and actions say something to our spouses. But, the health of what is said to our relationship, is what matters. Does it promote intimacy, or it makes you to drift away from each other, creating room for infidelity? When what you say in words, actions and body language pull you apart from your spouse, that is bad or poor communication. There is therefore the need for us to avoid poor communication in our marriage.
*Dealing with poor communication in marriage*
Coming from the angle of poor communication pulling couples apart, we must address the following issues:
*Communication with your spouse must be an open and sincere one, void of fear and threats. You must be able to express yourself freely, on all matters, without the fear of backlashes from your spouse. This is how to grow your friendship in the marriage. That’s why one person wrote, “we encounter couples claiming that they have a great relationship. This means that they communicate with one another and feel positive towards each other when they interact. According to the writer, ” strong collaborative communication skills are required for making decisions together. Both partners need to communicate in a way that both are willing to listen attentively and respond positively. And this is what makes a good couple.”
* Find the appropriate or right time to communicate with your spouse. Wisdom demands that you wait for the right time to address issues with your spouse: middle of a soccer game of his favourite team, under the threat of relegation; when she is still hurting from a negative remark about her cooking; when temper is rising over an argument, are certainly not the best time to communicate with your spouse. You must not plant maize in a grassscutter invested farm. That’s why many females wait for before sex, or after sex scenes, to present their request. Results have proven that such a time is highly effective to communicate such issues.
* Watch what you communicate with your body language. A lot of time, we speak louder than words, through our body language. We must therefore be sensitive to how our spouses respond to our body language. Some people recoil to their shell as a result of the communication of the body language of their spouses. A husband stopped asking his wife for sex because she formed the habit of being in bed, dressed like a battle ready soldier, with his full uniform on. To him, it meant she was avoiding sex matters.
*Avoid harsh and sarcastic expressions in your communication with your spouse. Hurtful and harsh words make your spouse defensive and evasive during communication. He or she is put off from the communication, allowing both to further drift apart.
*Sex matters communication must be absolute and total, with no hold back. That is, likes, dislikes, temptations, etc, must be openly discussed by each couple. It is a good way of staying strongly connected in the marriage. A lot of infidelity has its root embedded in lack of sexual fulfilment, which is not a subject of communication between the couple. I cannot agree less with the following quote, “discuss your sexual fantasies with your partner and communicate during intimacy. Partners who talk openly have good communication, solid trust, and more excitement that leads to a great and nourishing relationship. Communication during intimacy (e.g. giving verbal cues) shows that your bond is getting stronger and trust level is increasing.”
Conclusively, communication determines how intimate couples are. The better they communicate, the higher the level of intimacy in the marriage. Many marriages have crashed on the altar of poor communication, and therefore must be avoided like a plaque, taking every necessary precaution.
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