Marriage binding rules (III)

ROLES that are expected of men in Islam towards their wives are signposted in the sacredness of paying dowry (soddaaqi) to their wives.

This role must be met first of all other roles which may be necessary subsequently. Soddaaqi payment is the Islamic tradition that is made simple and attractive.

The Prophet (SAW), through many of the authentic hadiths, identified many means and procedures, terms and conditions by which men may fulfill this important obligation towards their women with minimal or no hindrances. For example, a slave-woman may effectively be redeemed from that low status by a man and as such, her soddaaqi is considered being paid, making the woman a wife to the man. A prospective wife may also be made to be well lettered in the reading and recitation of the noble Qur’an by a learned Muslim who may eventually propose his willingness to take the woman as a wife. The woman may choose to convert the service of the teacher for making her literate in the Qur’an as her dowry from the man. A man is also permitted to make a promise to pay the soddaaqi to the woman at a time when the redemption of the dowry may be convenient for him.

Next to this role is the one which is made highly obligatory for the husband is to expend his resources, particularly material ones, on his wife (or wives, as the case may be). The task of keeping the wife or wives well fed and provision of clothing and shelter, which are the most basic needs of life, must not be shared with the wife or wives, not to even contemplate abandoning the wives to sorting things out by themselves. Islam has not enforced Nikah on a Muslim who is incapable of meeting these all-important basic needs of life to the wife. The Prophet (SAW) admonished such a Muslim to dedicate himself to fasting. Nevertheless, this obligatory role should not be misconstrued or twisted for a self-serving purpose because Allah (SWT) is aware of the most minute of intentions, as one may choose to manipulate one’s very shallow understanding on the Islamic jurisprudence surrounding a Muslim’s capacity, material-wise, to go into marriage, because getting married in Islam is a core aspect of ibaadahlah (true worship of Almighty Allah (SWT), which a Muslim must strive to achieve. A very salient message for one here, therefore, is that Allah (SWT) does not make anything stringent as conditions or pre-conditions for a Muslim to go into marriage. It should be stated further that what Islam demands of the man is to make modest provision for his wife and children.

However, it is not condemnable in Islam in any way for the husband who may have the resources to bring about an exotic lifestyle for his wife at home. It is left for the man to apply decency as required in the religion.

The husband is expected to be loving and caring. He should not resort to addressing the wife in a manner that is derogatory and insulting. The husband must honour the integrity of his wife at all times. He should not be snobbish towards the woman over simple misunderstandings. Shari’ah however allows the husband to shun his wife for a wrongdoing, for which she has refused to take heed, by abandoning her bed for upward of six months.

The husband must not turn the woman into a punching bag for whatever reason. No form of assault should be meted out to the wife, no matter her unruliness. Wives should be sat down with patience for admonition and counselling as much as possible by their husbands in order for them to be guided aright. Islam detests abuse of women in any situation. The Prophet (SAW) declared any man who batters a woman as unworthy, dishonourable and one who trades off his blessings from Allah (SWT).

Islam enjoins faithful men to accommodate their wives with utmost forbearance. Women are bound to do certain things which husbands must overlook because the Prophet (SAW) already prepared our minds for the fact that women are human, too, in all characteristics; that they are capable of dishing out the best of virtues to the satisfaction of their husbands in one moment and the next moment, they can be unpleasant and disdainful.

The Prophet (SAW), on this point, likened women to a straight long tree that gets crooked and twisted at a point and eventually straightens itself back. That is exactly a woman in her husband’s home. Islam prevails on every man in the Ummah to appreciate his woman. Islam detests divorce and the ability of the husband to demonstrate patience over the excesses of the wife is a way to reduce the scourge of divorce among the Ummah of Rasulullah (SAW).

For the husband to overlook the occurrence of abnormal features, e.g. skin rashes, scars, protrusions on the wife’s body, which may not necessarily be known to any other person, is another way to demonstrate mutual confidence and forbearance. The husband should prevent the low esteem that the development may have on the wife. He may choose to work with the wife in getting rid of the unlikable features. A story by Iman Ibn Al-Qayyim (R.A.) is apt here.

Another fundamental role expected of the husband is tied to teaching his wife lessons bordering on religion, family, hygiene, human relations and many more. The husband should be knowledgeable on diverse matters so that he can share some of the knowledge with the wife occasionally. There are aspects of solat (prayer), such as the ablution, spiritual baths, sawm (fasting), Qur’an memorisation and recitations, menstrual cycle-related facts, hygienic lifestyle peculiar to women in general, and the art of establishing good inter-personal relations with the husband’s parents and other in-laws within the family.

The husband must find some ways to continuously pass this knowledge to the woman. Education matters a lot for the Ummah. That is the reason the Prophet (SAW) enjoined the Muslims to learn from the cradle to the grave.