Dear Yemisi, I am 43-year-old man. God has been good to me in every area of my life but my marital life. I have a good job and my career is progressing.
I got married to the lady who I felt was absolutely in love with me after courting her for six years nine years ago. I was of the view that she would be able to cope with my shortcomings as I am shy and an introvert.
The union is blessed with three children aged eight, six and three years respectively.
Naturally, I am the shy type and better described and seen as an introvert by my family and associates.
These attributes of mine I want to believe have been capitalised on by my wife who never sees anything good in me as she ignores me at every point in time.
From her disposition, I can say that she is least interested in my affairs and has never hidden this for a moment.
I am at a breaking point now because I don’t want to consider taking a walk out of the union because of my children. As crucial as the issue of my children is, my inability to raise my observation with her is another problem of mine for the fear of being snubbed or embarrassed by her reaction.
I have tried in my little way for her to device means of coping and living with my nuances all to no avail.
I have, on a number of times, spoken with my friends to know what exactly went wrong with my marriage, none of them has been able to tell me what can be done to have the joy of being a married man.
What do you think I can do to bring about love to the union? I am in a relationship where there is no love.
Larry.
Dear Larry,
This is the time for you to come out of your shell and shed this toga of shyness and being an introvert if only to save your home and be in right frame of mind.
From your terse information, it is likely that you have allowed your career take the better part of you than your wife. I am only guessing since you did not mention this in your letter.
But as long as you are not contemplating divorce, I will advise you get your priorities right by redressing your activities in creating time for your spouse.
In winning her love back if indeed she was ever in love with you, will involve your having to sacrifice more time for her than any other person in your life.
One of the ways to achieve this is to create time to be with each other than you were in the past without any disturbance from even your children. It will not be out of place if you plan hanging out once two weeks out of the four walls of your house.
There is no way you embark on this trip that she will remain the same. This single approach might be what will end the hostility you have experienced before now. It is not out of place if you decide to have lunch or dinner in any reputable restaurant in town. By the time you do this you would have saved her a lot of stress having to think of what to either have for lunch or dinner.
Your children can be taken care of by your in-law or nanny on such occasions. You have to make it a practice to get words out of each other for effective communication in the home.
You can also keep the flame burning by revisiting your courtship days when you send emotional cards to each other expressing how you feel for each other. With the coming of the GSM these days, there are several platforms through which you can show you love your spouse by sending her inspiring text messages and poems.
Her reaction to you might have been informed by the fact that there have been changes in her roles as initially a lover, now wife and mother. This status weighs down a woman in discharging her roles. This, you have to understand in your approach to issues.
Do you give a helping hand in carrying out some domestic chores or you have left everything for the woman in the house? She might have been overwhelmed by a load of her daily assignment as a career woman, wife and mother.
Considering the number of years your paths have crossed, you should by now know what turns her on and what puts her off as you dwell on what makes her fulfilled.
Have you taken time to find out if her problem is medically-related? She might be suffering from an undisclosed ailment that could have been induced by pregnancy.
My brother this is not the time to admit that you are shy and afraid to talk to her. You have to bell the cart. When you were dating, I want to believe you were able to speak her up to marry you.
If the above-suggested approaches fail to address the situation, you might need to approach a marriage counsellor.
and then