Ensuring effective marital communication

Let me start today’s piece by saying happy New Year to the numerous readers of Saturday Tribune — and, especially, of my Intimacy Column. My prayers for you are that your aspirations and goals will be realised as you put in the best of efforts. God will crown your efforts with success in the mighty name of Jesus.

I feel that the best way to lay a good foundation for a happy and stress-free marital relationship this New Year is to give serious consideration to communication, which I have discovered to be the bane of marital relationships. In fact, a lot of good relationships have been ruined, with the people involved mourning and counting their losses, due to poor communication. Many people involved in relationships are not able to communicate their love, hurts, desires, and apologies effectively. So, their relationships become strained at best, if not ruined.

If you have been conversant with growing marital crises in societies of the world, you should be wondering why this is so, because of the great hope, love, and resources we bring into marriage. Or is it not true that no matter how a marriage ends, the beginning is always sweet? Am I triggering old memories here for you — the hugs and kisses, the many visits and long calls, the unsolicited care and gifts? The list seems endless. So, one cannot help but wonder as to what happened to a lot of that beginning stuff.

The culprit here, for me, is poor communication. A lot of us married people don’t enjoy good communication. I mean a communication which is effective for a successful marriage. What we do, at best, is to complain, shout, abuse and then blackmail our spouses. Whereas effective communication is way beyond all of those anger-induced reactions.

For communication to be effective, it has to be two-way, and the message has to be received by the recipient. But in most cases in today’s marriages, communication is far from being effective. Do I hear you protesting? Just wait a while. I know two of you talk, argue, and bring the wrongs to each other’s attention. But what is the result you are getting? Has it resolved the issues? Or is what you enjoy not a fragile peace to avoid a breakup? This is usually attributed to irreconcilable differences. How do we end up with irreconcilable differences due to poor communication? We cannot express or explain our marital issues effectively. So, we end up with a lack of understanding of where we are coming from and headed to. Thus, our differences become irreconcilable.

What I‘ve discovered is that many times, we don’t get to pass across to the recipient our intended messages. This is because such messages are more of reactions to the hurts we are suffering, the love we don’t get, and as such, they are not well received by our spouses and vice versa. By reacting, we simply miss the mark of communication. That’s why we don’t get the desired results. Anger-induced reactions are inimical to effective communication in marriage. So, let us avoid it.

Effective communication requires the following, among others. To communicate with your spouse effectively, you’ll have to avoid the following:

Assumptions:

Assuming you know why he/she did what you feel hurt about. Not only that, but you should also not assume your spouse should know you are hurt. Rather, we should build it into our subconscious mind that our spouses deserve the benefit of the doubt. Assumption is a serious culprit in marital crises. When communication is based on assumptions, it can’t be effective. Rather, a wrong message is what we get to pass across to each other.

Shouting at your spouse

Shouting at your spouse will not make your message be delivered and received the way it should be. I’ve witnessed such acts being counterproductive, with the recipient getting offended as well. The issue then became “yam pepper, scatter scatter.” So, shouting at your spouse is not effective communication, but a miscommunication. It’s like putting a round peg in a square hole. If it enters at all, both the peg and the hole will suffer damage.

Abusive language

Abusive language should be shunned. It’ll aggravate the situation rather than solve it. Abusing your spouse will only generate a negative response. After all, it’s a fact that whatever you sow is what you’ll reap. Couples should realise that going abusive to communicate our hurts and frustrations is an ill wind that blows no one any good. Rather, it makes one reap a whirlwind. So, you get a double dose of your investment.

Impulsive outburst

These are instantaneous reactions to issues between you and your spouse. Don’t act on impulse when you have issues with your spouse. Always allow for time to process such in your mind before taking any action on such issues. Remember that time allows one to err on the side of truth and right action. Being hasty about decision-making can be costly. One may have to apologise or pay dearly for a costly mistake or an impulse outburst.

Referencing past occurrences

Past happenings between you and your spouse shouldn’t necessarily form the basis of your communication. That he/she did something wrong before shouldn’t become a regular reference point in your communication. So, stop saying, “That was what you did the other day.” The other day is gone. Today is another day. It can’t necessarily be the same scenario. Therefore, deal with the issue at hand now, and not with the mindset of the previous happenings.

Preconceived notions

Don’t communicate with your spouse on the basis that this is the way men or women behave. For instance, people often say, “Men are never to be trusted with other females”, or “Women love money.” These are generalised phrases, which are not always true in all situations. Not all men and women are like that. So, if you have been indoctrinated that the show of strength is what brings a woman under submission, you’ll not have effective communication with your wife. As you communicate submission to her through beating, you’re sending a wrong signal to her that you’re a beast of burden. So, both of you’ll be working at cross purposes.

Let us begin the year on a good note as we reinforce effective communication in our marriage.

I wish you a blissful 2026.

My books, ‘Enjoying Great S3x Life’ and ‘How To Help Your Wife Enjoy S3x’, are good sources of information for marital bliss. Contact 08112658560 for details. SMS only.

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