Third party in marriage must be avoided like a plague

I  wrote recently on interferences from external forces to marriages, and the evils it portends to the marital health, and I thought good enough justice was done to the issue. However, in a discussion with someone last week, the issue of third party came up, and I said to myself that one more write up on the issue would be helpful to couples. This is that article for your perusal.

This is a strong warning to couples to stop reporting their marital issues to others, no matter how highly placed those people are in their lives, even if they are your pastors or imams, or spiritual priests. It must not become a habit or practice. In the discussion I alluded to earlier here, I came to realise more than ever before that couples are better off without the input of those Pastors, Imams, spiritual priests, in most cases. Does it mean that some marriages have not benefited from the counsels of Pastors or Imams? Of course, not. But, from experiences, it is better if their counsel is sought only as a last resort by couples.

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The point here is that couples who take delight in reporting themselves to such third party risk having more complications about their relationship. As a matter of fact, the marriage, in most cases, becomes an endangered species at the end of the day. So, reporting yourselves to any third party should be avoided like a plague. It is not something you derive joy from, as if it is a good thing to do. After all, no third party was there at the inception of the marriage, even if you got introduced to each other by the third party. The decision to become husband and wife must have been purely that of both of you. So, why can’t you sit down like you did at the inception, look yourselves straight in the face, and tell the home truth to yourselves?

Another point worthy of note here is that no two marriages are the same. So, the tendency is there to try and use other marriages as reference point in counseling. What works in one marriage may not work in the other marriage. Hence, issues become complicated by drawing inferences from two different things.

We should also realise that the best of man is still man. Issues raised during third party’s sessions can become injurious to the marriage, when it comes to public view. So, your dirty linen becomes publicly exposed. Never forget that relationship with the third party may become strained, and the information at the third party’s disposal will become a weapon in seeking for a pound of flesh by him or her. Cases abound where such things happened.

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One thing we should not ignore here is also the fact that when we are hurt, emotions run wild and we say things we don’t mean, that are half truth or completely untrue, or divulge secrets of your spouse, all in order to make a point, or blackmail him or her, to prove a wrong doing. It is quite alarming how careless we get because we are mad at each other in a relationship. This becomes more damaging when it involves a marriage. And words are like eggs, once spoken you can’t retract them, and when said in the presence of a third party, it becomes more difficult to forget and forgive. The victim spouse may seek for opportunities to right the wrong, by using vengeful words against the offending spouse in future. So, a vicious circle of “do me, I do you” is created in the marriage. Remember there is no art by which you can cover at home, the nakedness of your spouse which you exposed outside, via the third party.

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No one knows you like your spouse, and if that is the case, you are in the best position to know what to do to resolve your differences. Due to fear of shame, couples don’t tell all the stories behind the quarrels, and the third party will be treating cancer with malaria drugs. It will definitely not work. Not only that, after third party interference, both of you will still go back home to talk things over for the issues to be completely resolved. So, why going to the third party in the first instance?

In a nutshell, let us settle our differences by ourselves instead of running around to third parties for solutions which, in most cases, are elusive, and do more damage to the marriage than good. I learnt that lesson recently from a mentor of mine when he said friends should not use enemies’ tactics to settle their differences. There should be a difference in the way we fight as friends and as enemies. Husbands and wives must never lose sight of the fact that, quarrels not withstanding, they are still friends and not enemies. We must therefore find the best way to resolve our differences. Third party definitely is not that best option. So let us treat it as a plague which must be avoided. Otherwise, one may be jumping from fry-pan into fire.

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