Signs that you must not date him

LOVE is never enough in any relationship. Physical attraction is just a fraction and sex as we discover is only a part of the whole business of relationship. It goes deeper.

Years ago, it was very much unusual to be a cougar. Today however, this group of women known to be dating or married to men much younger than they are have taken a pride of place no matter the opinion and reservations the society holds. Another group of women is called the lionesses. These women have been identified as people who carry on dual roles in the family. Why lionesses? I would explain with illustrations from the animal kingdom. Have you ever seen a pride of lions on a hunt? Never! It is the duty of lionesses to stalk, kill and drag a prey to the pride where it is fed on. This role is sacrosanct irrespective of the age difference between the lioness and her partner.

Today, in the human society, ‘lionesses’ are on the increase and we must ask ourselves why. Why are more women becoming bread winners of their homes? Why are they going out for the hunt, kill the prey, bring the meat home, cook and feed their mates? Why are some men leaving these active roles in the hands of the women in their lives?

It may be an uncomfortable reality that there is a great paradigm shift in gender roles sweeping all over the world. In the job strata many women are effortlessly challenging top positions with men and winning meritoriously too.

Lions are by nature mates to lionesses and if you watch animal dynamics, a lion does nothing but marks his territory and hardly participates in the hunt except when it’s a large prey then he occasionally acts as reinforcement.

All the lion does is to stroll around his territory and when dinner is dragged in, he chases away the female or (is it that they defer to him?) and eats the ‘lion’ share first. Lions then sleep for many hours of the day and what they do better than sleeping is sex.

Now the human dynamics is different. A man by his nature is more intelligent even biblically; Adam had a role of protection and tending before the creation of Eve. Man by his role is naturally supposed to protect and provide but the woman is meant to assist and nurture. However in recent times, the helpers have turned into sole providers.

How did women find themselves in these shoes? Some men have defended the action of their peers by saying that feminists who want equal rights with men should not complain when they become sole providers for the home. Feminism is neither man-hating nor noise-making but that is a topic for another day. It simply means that no person is prevented or forestalled from all equal and inalienable rights by reason of gender especially being a female due to the patriarchal society we live in.

This is a weak excuse if any. The economic situation naturally dictates that couples together pitch to take care of their families for their survival and happiness. A woman may find herself in the role of a lioness due to her husband’s ill-health, sometimes age or loss of job resulting in loss of steady income but it is a bit understandable if the husband is still making efforts to get something doing despite going through a rough patch before everything smoothens out again.

What then happens when women are yoked with lazy husbands who are simply content to do nothing but eat, sleep, demand conjugal rights demand for money? Sometimes, these men even proceed to engage in extra marital affairs because they have too much time doing nothing and free money in their pockets.

The questions women who find themselves in such situations should ask is this: Have these men always displayed such signs before marriage?

Here are some signs to look out for that point out if your man is looking for a feeder. Love is never enough to sustain any relationship and what to look out for are words that are solidly backed up by actions. Some women before marrying their men will observe that that the man has nothing tangible doing except mentioning some kind of vague business but are afraid of what they may discover if they probe further even if they know something feels wrong. They are reluctant to carry out any further investigation because they console themselves with the fact that he may change with time but here’s the reality, he won’t.

Many women are frustrated and find it hard to get out of the quagmire that they have found themselves in and with the children coming in, there is the sentiment that he is the father and thus, a cross the woman must bear. While the man feeds fat and in many occasion also feeds his side chick fat on his wife’s resources.

Signs to watch out for

From experiences, there are obvious signs even right from the time of courtship. There is an example of a lady who noticed a trend in a man she was courting and expecting to get married to. Anytime they went out and boarded a commercial vehicle, he was quick to push her forward and take the back seat. She later noticed that the strategy was for her to pay first when the conductor started asking for the fare. Seeing this trait constantly on display, she ended the relationship.

Some others have experience with men who constantly gave excuses especially when it came to financially supporting their relationships. Some are constantly engaging in new ventures and asking their women for money to support such businesses. Women sometimes take loans to support such men but often times, the loans are hardly repaid and the businesses ultimately failed.

For some other women, the men are constantly demanding and in many instances will complain of their circumstances forcing the women to continue to strive to meet those demands. There is an example of a woman who bought practically all that was needed for her wedding because the man had nothing. The marriage only lasted two years because the man was doing practically nothing while the woman slaved.

These men may have found themselves in this fix because some are chronically lazy and may have been misguided to think that just being of a male gender is enough. Consequently he looks for a woman who can provide for him. He hits a jackpot when he finds a woman who desperately wants to get married or feels her biological clock is ticking. There he perches and nestles to enjoy himself while the women works hard to make both ends meet.

Before going deeper into any relationship, couples must clearly define what they want or do not want, nothing should be left to chance and nothing must be ignored especially when it bothers a partner. If it confuses you, if it has no clear definition, discuss it.

Okuuniga is an Ibadan based legal practitioner