One good we can do as a nation is invest in women —Tope Abiara, cleric and women mentor

TEMITOPE Abiara is a Christian cleric and a promoter of women’s spiritual and economic enhancement through her ‘Exemplary Ladies’ platform and mentorship. In this interview by SAM NWAOKO, she speaks on her women programmes and their relevance.

Bringing people from varying backgrounds together for mentoring and life coaching isn’t an easy thing. How have you been doing it?

The first thing was to bring them together through our annual couples dinner, a couples event for them to enjoy each other’s company and also enjoy themselves; a romantic gathering for the couples (one moth old or thirty years in marriage) to get to know and serenade each other more. Then we also organised “Ladies Taking the Lead”, a mentorship programme for single young ladies. This is under the Exemplary Ladies platform. When it comes to their career, their life goals, their relationships, their dreams, their identity and everything that has to do with them and their self-esteem. I’ve come to understand that a lot of our young ladies don’t get the love from whom that they deserve, so they go outside looking for love without knowing what love is. That is why, when they go out, they tend to define love in a way that that person is treating them which could be a wrong way. From that they get maltreated, they sell themselves short and get maltreated. From that they get pregnant, become single mothers which the society frowns on and they become dejected. That is why I created a platform for these ladies to teach them that they have values, and even if there was a mistake and you are now a single mother, you still have value. You can still be somebody. Through giveaways too – we had a clothes and shoes giveaway in December – many people who could not afford some things for their children benefitted from the giveaways. So, in a way, to such people, it’s like answered prayers that that happened through our organisation.

With the Nigerian economic situation in view, and when you look at how some of the ladies who had been beaten down by poor relationships and bad economy, where do you begin to advice such ladies?

That is one of the stuffs we talk about on the platform. We harp on: Do not let the situation of the country define your future. Don’t let it put you down. Sincerely, it could be discouraging, it could be frustrating or depressing but it is what you make out of it that matters. When life hands you a lemon, make lemonade, so goes a saying. I’ve seen life turn around with these ladies because of the love and the encouragement that they get from what we are doing. It is not even about money or physical things sometimes; some just need the cheering and the encouragement; realising the fact that somebody believes in me that I can do it. This is helping our cause because it is helping them see light at the end of the tunnel. They believe that even though the situation of the country is not good, maybe I can do this. I always say learn a trade or learn a skill, it will come in handy. When you are making some money, no matter how little; that way, you are not totally subjected to somebody before you can feed. That is one of the values we always hammer on, you need to have something coming in. That way you don’t totally depend on somebody. You are able to make up your mind on what you are comfortable doing without being forced to do it.

We talk about marriage too. Women must know that they have a choice. We make the ladies realise that they can be happily married and that they can find somebody meant for them. There may be relationship problem or there could be negative fallouts of the economic situation of the country, yet there is still a beautiful flower inside of you that is waiting to blossom. Women must realise this. Do not let anything bring you down and don’t let anything keep you down there. You may fall, but get right up and rise again. In our class, there are more than 200 ladies and we talk about many things and I have seen what love, encouragement, push and belief in oneself – all of which we share – can do.

How often is your class and how do the sessions go?

We moved the classes online because of COVID. We hold classes, we talk. Through this, I’ve seen what love can do. In our class, especially the first time, we talk about life challenges and how things make you feel like ‘oh I can’t do this anymore’! We have the example of a lady who was looking forward to being dead. In the family where she comes from, females are not regarded as anything. They are treated as lesser beings but after we met she said the hope came. She had no hope and was not interested in a future, but now she is in school and the CEO of her own business. Women need this. Ladies need this.

How about the men folk? The men might also can learn how to treat their ladies and thereby make the world better?

Actually my husband and I planned to start a men’s programme because men are requesting for it. Most of these young ladies introduce their men to me and when they do, the men don’t leave even when the relationship does work out. They stick around with me because they want to be under my mentorship. However, I like being dedicated to whatever I am doing and so, I did not start a men’s group because I’m just so scared of another commitment to what I am already doing. When they come individually or as a couple, when they approach me, I still make time for them. I don’t just have a group for the men folk yet.

In nearly everything, Nigerians are tied to the apron strings of government. What is your level of relationship with any tier of the Nigerian government and how has this panned out for you in your work?

Really the government has a lot to do with so many things. I am in a body called Community Chest Council (CCC), a body of all the NGOs in Oyo State. I was in the past executive as the Vice Chairman and we just inaugurated a new executive recently. Even though I was part of the body, what I am doing is just my organisation – it is non-profit, non-governmental. However, I don’t mind a situation in which the government through the Ministry of Women Affairs and Social Inclusion to come with more encouragement. I would like more encouragement and this hasn’t got to be money. Like, when we are having a programme, can you just show up and speak to these young ladies for them to be encouraged? That can make a difference. Let’s see the support. When people see that you care, it goes a long way and you’re sowing a seed. That’s the support and in whatever capacity you can support, it would go a long way.

What about cultural issues? Have you had some cultural issues standing in the way of what you do?

Oh yes! I have a lot of that on our platform. They always ask what they can do. I have a girl whose father was so upset and will not let her sister marry anybody from another tribe. After about two years of begging the man, her sister ended up marrying that person. Her father would still not talk to the man. Now, the lady is asking what she can do because she herself is in love with a man from the same tribe that her dad has refused to have business with. We get that a lot and they keep asking what can we do? The first thing is being there for them as that rejection from your own people, because you are in love, can be painful. Being that person that is there for them helps a lot and we can start from there.

To some extent, what you are doing borders on the philosophy of ‘if you train a woman, you train a nation’. How much do you agree with this vis a vis your advocacy for better handling of issues that relate to women and ladies?

I align with that philosophy and I’m going to tell you that women are intelligent beings. Sincerely, any married man that listens to his wife’s advice is quick to go up. Women are intelligent, that’s the way God created them. So, one good thing we can do as a nation is to invest in the women. If you would invest in your daughter, the way you would show your daughter love is what she would recognise when she goes out there. This is what would build her up. So, as much as possible I’m for building men and building women; I am for both. However, why I am focusing on the women more is because our society is not doing it, there is a lack and that is why my focus is more on it. And truthfully, when you give a woman a little, she multiplies it. So, definitely ‘build a woman you build a nation.’