One issue of concern in marriage is romance. It is snuffing life out of many marriages, and thus resulting in infidelity, heartbreaks, separation and divorce, in the worst scenario. So, it’s worth giving attention to. A marriage counselor defined, in a presentation, a romantic marriage as one full of love, kindness, care, and companionship. Romance, according to her, involves togetherness, fondness, oneness, friendliness, playfulness, hugs, non sexual touching, jesting, laughter, talking, suprise gifts, and of course, frequent love making. I don’t think anyone can fault this truth. Romance, therefore, includes, but not limited to, humour, hugging, physical expression of love, write him a love letter monthly, to appreciate him.
Hindrances to romance and how to deal with them
As sweet and needful as romance is in marriage, certain factors inhibit its full deployment in marriage. Some of these are as listed below:
*Ignorance of the activities that make for romance and their necessity. Many people, especially the husbands, are oblivious of the need to play love. Rather, the attention is always to make love (have sex)
*Complacency about the need for romance after wooing and courtship. Romance, to many men, is like a bait tool, to make the lady say yes to the marriage proposal. What an amazing aberration.
*Lingering, unresolved conflicts that are allowed to fester. Love is of the heart, and when the heart is burdened, romance is hindered.
*Temperament differentials is also another factor of hindrance to romance in marriage. Sanguine, Choleric, Melancholy and Phlegmatic. This can and do work at cross purposes in marriage. This should have been handled during courtship or dating, but for the little pretences and assumptions involved in courtship. We are blinded to the fact that these differences matter, and may become a serious issue in marriage. So, we allow love to ‘blind’, but marriage will now ‘open’, our eyes. Other issues that can make it a problem is short term courtship, marriage through match making or marriage by “post”- one is in UK and the other is in Nigeria.
*Challenges of life. With the children coming in, romance and sex is naturally moved down to the bottom of the list, at least for most women. The reality of life steps in as school fees, house rent etc
*Unrealistic expectations. Movies take away the reality of romance in marriage, thus presenting couples with the picture of unrealistic situation.
*Not maintaining your attractiveness towards each other.
Solutions: the way out
- Willingness to overcome the hindrances. Couples must make efforts to live a romantic life in the marriage.
- Communicating your displeasure. A partner who is romantically displeased should feel free to communicate same to his or her partner. There is nothing saintly in suffering and smiling, or dying in silence over an issue that could be one discussion away.
- Get information on romance through the right sources. Books, seminars, conferences, group discussion. Filter the information and work with what will help you. Never swallow everything with line, hook, sinker, net, fisherman and his boat.
- Be sensitive to yellow card or warning lights from your spouse that all is not well, romantically. Don’t bluff, rather bend and key in. Otherwise, someone is out there ready to do the keying in on your behalf, even at a price for him or her. Shine your eyes. Constant droppings will wear out even a stone.
- Regularly evaluate your attempts and expression of romance. How well are we doing in this area, as we evaluate our marriages.
- Be forgiving and ready to ask for forgiveness.
- Manage your temperament intentionally, together. Be one another’s helper of joy, rather than making things difficult for him or her.
- Work at overcoming challenges of life. Money matter, physically challenged child, health matters etc
- Seek for professional help in very rare, but difficult situations.
- Spend time together in prayer.
- Deal with unrealistic expectations by being realistic and reasonable
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