A man decides to take a new wife and the society blames the women for his decision. The wife that has just been promoted to the rank of ‘first wife’ is blamed for being slack or dirty or uncaring.
She let herself go fat and colourless.
She started nagging and made her husband uncomfortable, miserable even, in his own home too.
She’s travelling too much and focused on her career and how to make more money.
The new wife who was nicely minding her business in her corner of the world, waiting for the right single man to ask for her hand in marriage gets blamed for accepting a married man’s proposal. She’s called devious, husband-snatcher, gold-digger, home wrecker.
The man who left pounded yam at home to hussle for ‘amala’ is presumed innocent. The society does not blame a man who hunted down a woman, promised her heaven on earth and garnished every line with generous thicker lies just to break through her defences. It is the woman who pushed him into the arms of the other woman.
Moral of that narrative? Ours is a society that is not, has not and may never be kind to women. From matters of the heart and marriage to inclusion in political matters and governance, Nigerian women have been trounced, bashed, and browbeaten since forever.
They don’t call ours a patriarchal society for nothing. The patriarchs are there to shortchange the matriarchs. That is when they even acknowledge there’s such a concept as matriarch.
Nigerian women are going to be holding the short end of the stick for a long time to come. What we need to do is to learn and teach what to do with that short end of the stick. Until the big boys realize that we can whip them senseless with that short end of the stick, they are not going to stop what they are doing. That thing they are flinging all over the place, feeling all powerful and untouchable can and must be brought to its knees. And we cannot do it speaking English and quoting law and international best practices and reports of conventions. Did you not see the way the men came together, closed ranks and shut the door? Did you not see how they joined hands and held their grounds? What’s worse, in protecting their own and their ‘institution’, they even accused women of being their own enemies. Then the most tragic part is there are women who have joined men to say women are their own enemies. Nauseating nonsense.
Men have been mean to fellow men since creation and they have no right to spew that rubbish about women hating women.
Or was it a woman who forced Alamieyesiegha to dress like a woman? It was a man, a certain man who ensured June 12 came to nothing and another man’s life came to an end.
All the coup d’etat in Nigeria were planned and executed by men against men. All coalitions that removed Presidents from Aso Rock were moved and manned by men. Or are IBB, OBJ, Buhari women? Was B.S. Dimka a woman in 1976 when he killed Murtala Mohammed? Nyesom Wike and Sim Fubara are they not men?
Women still play on the fringes in Nigeria and if we are ever going to join the big league, we must start doing life differently, beginning now.
So Senator Natasha Akpoti-Uduaghan is insisting that she was sexually harassed. Senator Godswill Akpabio is insisting that he has not sexually harassed anybody. Yet s3xual harassment is hanging in the air, smelling and smelly. The internet is recording every scene and will keep the bad odour forever. Reminds one of the stories of the farmer who had been stung by a poisonous insect. The bee, the hornet and ‘ikamodu’ were there but they all insisted they were innocent, yet the farmer’s eyes were swollen shut. So, who stung him? Who dunnit?
Something definitely happened at the National Assembly, behind closed doors, because s3xual harassment and open door policy do not cohabit. Neither Natasha nor Godswill is telling the whole truth right now. And I have this sinking feeling that the whole truth will make all of us sick if it all comes out.
However, this homily is not about the whole truth. It is about self-defense, self-help, power of silence and true justice. Therefore, this is for all women, learning from Natasha but definitely beyond Natasha. Remember we started with the effective use of the short end of the stick. Should Natasha or any woman handle sexual harassment with such kid gloves as open verbal confrontation? No, never, if you ask me. Sexual harassment is difficult to prove. It’s like rape, unless handled with street smartness and wisdom, it is the woman who is already a victim that ends up guilty. Imagine being mentally and physically violated and then being proposed guilty. Then imagine detailing your own team of protection (which can include policemen) with cameras to storm the propose venue of iniquity when Oga’s pants are at his ankles.
Imagine planting a camera or wearing a spy cam delicately as a brooch with a man who has tapped your bum, threatening not to release what is statutorily yours because you have refused to let him go all the way. Then imagine delicately also releasing the evidence through a proxy and doing the ‘needful’ to help the video go viral.
What if it was a video of Natasha being sexually harassed that you first saw, that we all first saw, would we all be here wondering and wandering? What if it was Senator Akpoti-Uduaghan who first notified the Senate that her phone had been hacked and or stolen and some very private documents had been released on social media to tarnish the image of the Senate and the Senate President? Pause and picture that scenario. Yeah, she could have acted the victim to the hilt, asked for protection for the Senate and Senator Akpabio. Trust me, we would not be here because the person who would have been fighting for his life would not be Natasha. Indeed, she would have joined those who are defending Mr President of the Senate. Meanwhile, justice would have been served.
Hopefully, you got my drift.
There is more than one way to skin a cat and no Nigerian woman should think this society will bend its patriarchal rules to favour her. Wisdom, dry-eyed wisdom, and self-centered street smartness must be generously applied in matters like this. Screaming injustice and rushing down to the courthouse will not deliver the goods.
Call it whatever you like but if nobody is willing to come through for us, are we supposed to just curl up and die? And if you are worried about the downside to resort to self-help, tell us the upside to being ignored or made a laughing stock by those who think your pain is comic relief.
In other words, if your daughter has been molested, go after the molester softly, decisively, effectively. If you are raped and you know the rapist, go to the hospital, take care of yourself, then go after the rapist nicely, decisively, totally. If you are being blackmailed by a male politician, so you can step down for him, take many deep breaths and then look for his weak points and go after all of them steadily and effectively.
A female politician told me that if a fellow politician kidnaps her husband to force her hand, she will kidnap his most vulnerable diabetic and hypertensive closest relative before raising the alarm. Then, they both will go to the negotiation table. With our society wired the way it currently is, all women in both the corporate and political terrain must know how to deal with the heat. Me, I will not advise the court as the first port of call. We can all go to the court later. We must learn to blink our fake lashes, smile coyly and innocently after dealing deadly blows. In political brawls, we must always hit below the belt first then apologize later, with a few drops of tears. This sexual harassment drama won’t go away without someone going down. But the lessons must be leant first, all of them, by all of us.
One, there’s no powerless woman. Two, all of our daughters must be taught street smartness, the power of silence and all other powers that are for women’s roundtable only. We must stop limiting women empowerment to money, career and self-dependence. A girl who’s going to become the nation’s Head of Service, Governor, Speaker or even President, Managing Director or CBN Governor must know about self-defence, self-dependence, fighting in the gutters, throwing karate leg shots without losing her feminine composure.
A Senate that refused to consider a bill to stop child marriage is not a Senate that will investigate sexual harassment. It’s time to stop talking and start kicking.
READ ALSO: Natasha: We’re not satisfied with just suspension — Akpabio’s kinsmen
and then