A cashless Christmas

On Christmas Day as I headed to a filling station to power our generator, I engaged in impulse buying as a spotlessly clean white chicken caught my attention at Orita Challenge junction, Ibadan. The seller, a very pleasant woman, agreed to collect N12,000 and I couldn’t believe my luck. But there was a snag: I had no phone on me and she had no POS or bank account. The POS operator close by charged N300 for the planned N12,000 withdrawal with my ATM card but in my foolishness, I felt that it was excessive. The seller said I should transfer the money to the POS operator and that she would collect it with the regular charges imposed. Then I said: “If you sell 10 chickens and pay N3000 POS charges, your profit will come down significantly. I will make sure that I give you cash.” I placed an embargo on the fowl and left. Alas, I had not even got to the ATM point at the GT Bank branch at Challenge when the security man stationed there said there wasn’t a drop of money. At the nearby Zenith Bank branch, the story was the same. A POS operator at the Challenge motor park charged N600 for a planned N15,000 withdrawal. He gave this satanic explanation: “It’s N200 per N5,000.”

In all my life, I have never seen a Christmas as bleak as this week’s event. Everywhere was dry. Before Christmas, a junior colleague told me that we should contribute money, buy a cow and share it among a few of us. He later approached me with a nasty security report on the extremely prohibitive cost of cows. Actually, with the cost of coffee these days, one might have a heart attack drinking it. Intelligence reports indicate that a 5-kg keg of groundnut oil now costs around N10,000 instead of the 8,000 we previously struggled to pay; a congo of beans is N1,500, and a bag of rice, which we bought for N6,000-N7,500 before Muhammadu Buhari came to fight corruption, now costs N60,000 or more. A crate of eggs costs N3,000. It was N2,400 only recently. Families ditched fried rice for concoction at Christmas. Many suddenly remembered that trekking is good for health.

Certain ‘experts’ are blaming the current cash crunch on the naira redesign policy that admittedly caused millions of Nigerians untold hardship. But Muhammadu Buhari is no longer president and Godwin Emefiele is no longer CBN Governor and I wonder what the actual intent of these sophists is. The active suppression of bank depositors and replacement of banks with POS terminals is not down to Emefiele: the critics need to be fair to their own conscience even as they persistently heap blames for the present failures on the past. The killers of Christmas and their collaborators in government should own up to their crime. Is it Emefiele that is still hoarding cash now? The human being called special CBN investigator trying to link Buhari’s naira redesign policy to a certain, nondescript Tunde Sabiu can only deceive fellow simpletons. The naira redesign policy wouldn’t have lasted two days if it didn’t have Buhari’s imprimatur. The investigator’s noise is a criminal diversion.

Before Christmas, most of the banks did not dispense cash and where they did at all, they only paid between N5,000 and N20,000 to their distraught customers who wailed in long queues. They treated people like animals because, let’s face it, that is exactly how our leaders see us. As they say in Nigerian Pidgin, “Dem no rate us at all.” I am a GTB customer: I have been restricted to only N20,000 per day since the cash crunch was eased months ago, whereas I received a notification from Zenith Bank then saying customers could now withdraw as much as N200,000 per day. That’s not Emefiele’s fault now, is it? On Wednesday, December 13, the CBN’s acting director of Corporate Communications, Hakama Sidi-Ali, made this proclamation: “There is indeed an increase in currency in circulation. From N1 trillion in February 2023, we have seen a rise to over N3.4 trillion as of December 11, 2023. This demonstrates that enough cash is available, but unfortunately, it’s not circulating due to apprehension among some individuals. We empathise with the recent and past experiences of Nigerians. The CBN assures everyone that we have adequate cash to meet daily transaction needs, even during the upcoming festive season.” Public officials in this country will give Lucifer a run for his money any day.

Yes, I got no money in banks on Christmas Day, but isn’t that actually the point about this country? If your relation is very ill and needs blood transfusion, it makes sense to consult an undertaker rather than a hospital because you will pay but your relative will still die anyway. In the courts, most of the judges are worse than Anini, and so it is actually treasonable to expect any justice. How can you expect justice from the gods who elevated a man who came fourth in an election to first position, and made a man who actually ran for president a senator on the basis of technicalities, the same technicalities they deplore when it suits their purpose? If you go to church, you will be placed on a fast lane to hell: the G.Os aren’t even pretending to be interested in soul salvation. They are a bunch of mercantile criminals riding private jets while their followers literally scrounge and starve. If you have a shop, you buy fuel to power it, then pay electricity bills from your profit. The universities teach you how to be primitive. Call a mechanic you don’t know and he will help you wreck your car. Try it and be unfortunate.

Now, since these so-called leaders have, in the main, proven that their heads will not accept prayer, then here’s my Psalm for 2024: may those who make life a nightmare for the people perish and vanish without trace, together with their Babalawos who tell them that all is well. They will make money off the people but spend it on sickness, rotting away before their own very eyes. The same money they steal will put them in a casket. As they wreck people’s homes, so will their own homes become dunghills and abattoirs. As they make people’s lives miserable, even so will their own lives lack moisture. All of you people who stole the people’s Christmas will have your future stolen and ripped to pieces. Here’s wishing you bunch of depraved lunatics a Sad New Year in advance.