Why conflicts fester in marriage

One major factor in conflict resolution generally is that there are things that cannot pass for resolution. That is, conflicts cannot be resolved if we engage in those things. So, in marriage, those things must be avoided if true resolution is to happen.

We will be considering some of those things that I term abominations in conflict resolutions. However, let me state here that if any meaningful resolution is achieved, couples must embrace the children’s presentation or posture on conflict resolution. One thing we all know is that when children quarrel, it doesn’t last for long. It happens suddenly and disappears suddenly.

Children don’t dwell on issues in their conduct. They keep issues in the head and not in the heart. One minute, they quarrel, the next minute, they are playing again. Children don’t have a heart where hurts can be kept. It’s the adults who can dwell on issues for many years. That’s why you can hear a husband or wife reeling out offences of his or her spouse that happened twenty years ago, as if it happened yesterday. It’s like adults find it difficult to embrace the popular saying that “if we don’t forget yesterday’s quarrel, we won’t have friends” (Ti a ko ba gbagbe oro ana, a ko ni ri enikan ti a o ma ba sere). So, let us have it at the back of our minds to be child-like in conflict resolution. We cannot but quarrel, and once it happens, we must resolve it quickly and as soon as possible.

Traits to keep out of a marital relationship to have meaningful conflict resolution.

*Revenge — “do me, I do you, God no go vex.” “An eye for an eye.”

This is a terrible approach to conflict resolution. You can’t resolve your conflicts by waiting for an opportunity to strike back at your spouse. I’ve heard people say that “If they ask you how it feels, now you know it” or “When you did your own, didn’t you know that there is payback time?” This is a bad approach to resolving conflicts between a couple. We must, therefore, avoid it like a plague.

*Nagging

Nagging doesn’t resolve conflicts — rather, it allows them to fester. According to the Oxford dictionary, to nag means the following — someone (especially a woman) who annoys people by constantly finding fault; bother persistently with trivial complaints; remind or urge constantly (or repeatedly); or worry persistently.

The evil in nagging is that it’s so annoying such that it gets on the nerve of others. One keeps wondering what the problem is, and thus makes one adamant or develops thick skin about the issue. The aim of putting pressure to get a positive response from one’s spouse is thus defeated. Nagging will not get the desired resolution.

*Malice

This is a terrible attention-seeking approach to resolving conflicts. It manifests as giving attitude to one’s spouse, refusing to engage in verbal communication, employing monosyllables in communication, refusing to eat food prepared by one’s spouse, etc. Malice is like a cancerous tumour that grows easily if not nipped in the bud. A malice-keeping spouse shouldn’t think he or she will get the desired results in conflict resolution. It could worsen the situation instead of resolving it.

*Negotiation for resolution

This involves giving unreasonable conditions for resolution. You don’t take undue advantage of conflicts to make unreasonable demands on your spouse. If compelled to be met, especially when desperate for the resolution of the conflict, such demands may eventually be jettisoned, manifesting as failed promises. It could also end up being a ground for revenge from the other spouse when the table turns.

*Blackmailing

This involves giving a dog a bad name to hang it. It magnifies the spouse’s weakness, pass errors or offences. You blow it open as much as possible for the world to know it. The terrible aspect is one that throws up non-existent behaviour or action, just to nail your spouse. Like saying “He is a pathological liar,” when he is not and vice versa. Blackmailing can also manifest in exaggeration. This is a bad approach to resolving conflicts.

*Unforgiving posture

No matter what you tell some spouses or how much you plead with them on forgiveness, it’s always like throwing up a hand-made fan, which ends up falling on its side. It’s like they have closed up on forgiveness. I think it’s only about cultism that I’ve heard that “forgiveness is a sin.” So, not finding it in one’s heart to forgive one’s spouse is a bad trait for resolving conflict in marriage. Some people are quick to say even if they forgive, they won’t forget. The truth about it is that once you don’t forget, you haven’t truly forgiven, and if opportunity presents itself, revenge becomes easily inevitable. So, where is the resolution of the conflict in this?

*Postponed/delayed revenge

A lot of wives are guilty of this postponed revenge. They will wait till their husbands grow old, and then start serving them breakfast as dinner. That’s when they keep moving from one child’s house to the other, playing grandma roles, without blinking an eye about how their husbands will cope in their absence. After all, the husbands have had their own time, frequenting the club houses without the wives. This is not a good attitude for resolving conflicts in marriage. You shouldn’t postpone jail term for your spouse.

Another dimension to this is to start paying your spouse back in his or her own coin, especially when economic power changes hands. Some spouses wait until the sword is in their hand before paying back their spouses. I know wives who have become unruly because they can now survive economically on their own. Also, there are husbands who are terrorising their wives because they have come to sudden wealth, as a revenge mission for years of disrespectful attitude suffered in the hands of their wives, due to their weak economic power or economic meltdown.

We all must avoid the above and others in conflict resolution. They are ill wind that does no one any good. Rather, they engender strife, leading to irreconcilable differences, ending in divorce. As we

approach the end of the year, it’s a good time to turn a new leaf by embracing the right approach to conflict resolution in our marriage.

May the incoming year bring lasting harmony to our marriages.

You can avail yourself of copies of my books, ‘Enjoying Great S3x Life’, and ‘How To Help Your Wife Enjoy S3x’. Please, contact 08112658560 for details. SMS only.