Tope Abiara is the president of Love and Family Foundation, a non-profit organisation registered in Nigeria and the United States. She is a professional marriage counsellor and relationship expert of almost two decades. She co-pastors Vineyard of Comfort Assembly with her husband, Pastor Elijah Abiara. In this interview by MODUPE GEORGE, she speaks on her passion for marriage counselling and family, among other relationship issues.
You spent most of your life in the United States. What spurred your interest in what you are doing today?
Since I was young, I’ve always had a passion for helping and caring for people. It eventually became a call while I was growing up. Later on, I developed further on it and it became a passion.
What was growing up like for you?
Growing up was great for me. I grew up in a loving family. My mum was always travelling back and forth overseas for greener pastures while my dad stayed back with us in Nigeria. My dad was an engineer working with a Japanese company and was also running a poultry farm. My dad had a humble beginning — by the age of four, he lost his father and was all by himself. So, due to his experience while growing up, he made up his mind to be there for his children, to bring us up with great values, no matter how successful he is in life.
I was always glad and loved to assist him in his business while I was young. I was known as his accountant by everyone who came to the farm to patronise him. However, during my teenage years, we all relocated to the United States and it became a different lifestyle entirely from what it used to be in Nigeria. Despite the luxury and good life abroad, my parents made it a point of duty to uphold the values we were taught back home in Nigeria and that has translated and positioned me for a lot of accolades in my adulthood.
Would you say that your background prepared you for what you are doing today?
Most definitely. I would say that my background prepared me for the different caps and shoes that I’m wearing today. After relocating to the US, I saw a wide difference between Nigeria and the US in terms of opportunities and becoming successful early in life, though I wondered why that should be. In this other clime, I saw how easy it is to be an achiever once you are determined and focused.
I started my career in social services by volunteering in the labour and delivery session at the Grady Hospital in Atlanta while I was still in the university — that was before I obtained my master’s degree in counselling. I have worked in various aspects of social services, ranging from child abuse, to rape cases, to preventing homelessness, while observing the level of care provided for humanities. All of these opportunities have been perfect matches for me. They have culminated in my strong personality with a strong passion to always help, no matter how little or big.
Can we share some of your counselling experiences?
I have come to realise that many marriages today are suffering neglect. A lot of homes are filled with unhappiness and most of the people in this situation have resolved to accept this as their fate. I would like to say that Nigerian society places little or no value on seeking professional marriage counselling, especially while still in the marriage. Seeking professional marriage counselling is a well-deserved investment in a marriage journey. It has a lasting effect on the mental health. Seeking professional counselling helps a couple to have an unbiased, non-judgmental and educated third-party’s perspective and this makes a whole lot of difference. However, many marital challenges today stem from miscommunication.
You run a Foundation, the Tope Abiara’s Love and Family Foundation, what do you intend to achieve with this?
The rationale for establishing the Tope Abiara’s Love and Family Foundation is to assist families and couples in building stronger relationships and transforming life’s challenges into opportunities for healthy emotional, personal and professional growth and development. That is our mission. We also help in other areas under our programmes such as child sexual abuse education, empowerment, community outreach, menstrual hygiene education and free sanitary pads distribution, free clothes/shoes outreach, mentorship programmes, and our famous annual couples’ gala event on every Christmas and Boxing Day, among others.
Your sphere of influence cuts across the shores of Nigeria, to the United States. If you have to compare what we have in Nigeria in terms of family values, marriages and relationships, what would you say?
Nigeria is a nation that is rich in culture and great family values. However, it seems we are gradually letting go of these virtues and values by emulating other foreign nations who admire and desire what we have. We are gradually losing most of these cherished values such as respect, commitment, modesty in dressing, beliefs, and mannerisms, among others. I respect our family values as a nation, and I’m terrified by the newly-adopted ways our society is tilting towards.
Nowadays, couples in search of greener pastures in foreign countries have formed the habit of living apart. Some leave their children behind. What is your take on this?
I am not a supporter of a long-distance marriage. In the long run, its disadvantages far outweigh its advantages. Sincerely, the standard of living in Nigeria is nothing to write home about. Life tends to be better overseas. However, when it involves living apart as a couple, the marriage mostly takes the fall as the couple will end up growing apart.
In marriage, couples grow daily with each of the experiences they encounter as individuals. On the other hand, when spouses live together, they grow together because they go through life experiences together. But when they live far away from each other, they grow apart. This makes it very difficult for them to get along by the time they come back together as husband and wife. When a couple chooses this path, it will take a toll on the children. There is the effect of absentee parenting on the child. I don’t believe couples should live apart. God did not design marriage that way.
What is an ideal marriage?
An ideal marriage is between a man and a woman, with mutual love, understanding, commitment and respect. It is such where the strength of one, is the weakness of the other, meaning that one fills the void of the other as there is no perfect individual. So, the two will complement each other.
What is an ideal family?
An ideal family is a household of a male father, a female mother and the children (not the other way round as it is today), with the parents investing time, love, and resources into the lives of their children as well as bringing them up in the way of God.
You have about 200 single ladies under your mentorship. What do you intend to achieve with this?
The junctures of choosing a career and life partner are very critical and sensitive in the life of every individual, most especially ladies. This I got to know on a firsthand experience basis, which I overcame because God came through for me. Many ladies miss their way in this regard because they have nobody to talk to or guide them. They end up falling in love with the wrong person. Many young ladies get pregnant in the process because they fall for the lies of these men. At the end of the day, they are abandoned and they become single mothers and are left to face the stigma that comes with it.
In a bid to assist some of these ladies, we have earmarked a mentorship programme called ‘Exemplary Ladies’ for single young ladies between the ages of 19 and 28, where we focus on issues such as self-esteem, relationships, sexuality, career choice to adequately guide, educate, and equip them on how to achieve their goals and dreams in life without falling prey in the process.
How do manage your counselling career, pastoring work, your foundation, and home responsibilities?
Though I wear many caps as a result of the different roles I play, I am family-oriented. So, I love to be present in my home always and be personally responsive to my duties as a wife and mother, among others. I find it challenging to take a break on my own. However, I have a wonderful and supportive husband. He steps in right on time whenever and wherever he is needed. He asks me to take a break now and then, including taking me on vacations, as he doesn’t want me to have a meltdown. I couldn’t have made it without the support of my husband. I’m eternally grateful for him.
What are your parting words for women?
Every woman should be aware and conscious that she is beautiful and strong. The role of every woman is important in the home and community. They are the strength of their households. In the process of fulfilling all these roles, you should not fall victim to taking good care of every other person except yourself. Women should learn to take a break whenever they feel overwhelmed and watch out for their health. They should make prayer their solace and ensure that they learn a skill that can earn them more money anywhere they find themselves.
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