Because some farmers with hearts of gold last Wednesday donated a paltry sum of N1.7 billion to President Muhammadu Buhari’s campaign, some busy bodies have been on overdrive. I am not one of these enemies of progress and I promise I won’t be. They say this donation is corruption because the Rice Growers Association of Nigeria which dropped the billions is a collection of government debtors. They say these are persons who took loans from the Buhari regime who are now kicking back N1.7 billion to their benefactor. They ask: How do you receive private donations from persons to whom you gave public funds as loans and you still sing probity songs? Should we expect the next set of billionaire donors to be TraderMoni beneficiaries?
They say even if the donation is legit, how about the law which forbids a candidate from accepting more than one million naira from a single individual? I felt like replying the arm chair critics and tell them that an association cannot be an individual. Wisdom won’t ever allow death kill our ancestors – they have many proverbs to address every case such as this. One of those is that a large collection of persons is what is called an association. But the wailing wailers counter my argument. They argue that under our laws, an association, once registered, occupies same space with an individual – they say an association is a legal person. They say accepting more than N1 million from that corporate individual is a crime. I ask them to go to court instead of disturbing my peace. They laugh and say our courts are long on a long recess of courage.
They are still talking, quoting the law. They argue that Section 91 of the Electoral Act 2010 (as amended) says a presidential candidate must not spend more than N1 billion. They ask what would the APC candidate do with one billion naira that has a jara of N700 million? Is he daring or planning to dare the law? They claim there are punishments for anyone who breaks that law. I ask them what punishment? They say the law stipulates a fine of N1 million or a prison term of 12 months or both for any candidate that breaches that provision of the Act. I laugh. The N1 million fine is fine by any candidate. Even a ward councillor can throw that amount at any lousy court. But which one is this 12 months in jail? Which judge would dare pronounce any big man guilty of any offence and hand down a jail sentence? Besides, this is a presidential candidate who is not only in government but is also in power. He is not a fatherless university lecturer caught negotiating sex with a pervert. It is only feckless dudes and their tribe of lowly paid serfs that are condemned to plead guilty and get maximum punishments. Anyone who is president of Nigeria or is a big party candidate is above reproach; he is, in fact, Sango Olukoso: the one who touches any tree with his fiery arm of lightning and the unlucky tree dies in a flash – without consequences.
But then, I ask myself: Whose democracy really is this? I can hear a friend argue that no presidential candidate can be forced to spend only a miserable N1 billion for his entire campaign. Can there be responsibility without authority? The law says you can’t take money from abroad; you can’t raise and spend more than N1 billion at home, yet you must be present all over Nigeria. I can hear my friend say that you must be a billionaire to finance each day in a presidential contest in Nigeria. And elections are no longer events; they are a process. And each step in the process does not eat millions; it guzzles billions. The presidential D-Day is the Election Day. It is a day of war with war chests stacked in bullion vans. All preparations and ingredients for the day bear every imprimatur of war broth. That is not a day to obey any yeye law about not spending good money. The one who obeyed that law yesterday lost his deposit and everything and is back in the village. He is in his ancestral village tilling the Lake Rice field – seeking to join Buhari’s Anchor borrower programme.
Critics of our system won’t ever keep quiet. They insist that the makers of our Electoral Law must be worshippers of poverty. That probably was the reason they legislated a miserly N1 billion as the maximum a candidate can spend in a presidential contest. In poor Benin Republic or in arid Niger Republic, it may be possible to use poverty to contest elections. You can definitely not do that here, Africa’s most populous nation. This is Nigeria, giant of Africa with gigantic appetite for cash and more cash. Setting a spending limit in elections is anti-people. It cannot work and will not work here. Why would the law givers not remember that election time is harvest time for voters who registered and voters without a register? Besides, how do you become king without giving baskets of kolanut to kingmakers?
Now, think of this: Nigeria has 119,973 polling units; 8,809 wards and 774 Local Government areas. A presidential candidate is serious when he has agents in each of these units, wards and local government areas. He does not have any hope if he has agents but pays them peanuts. He has hope when he pays them good money for their service on the Election Day. A poorly paid agent will work for the enemy. And a candidate cannot just post someone somewhere as his agent. The agent, like a soldier on the battle field, must be loyal to the point of death. Loyalty is not free; it takes money. It is its oxygen. A candidate that cannot feed his agent has lost before the contest. He is like a man who cannot feed his wife. She will soon become someone else’s lover. Feeding the agent is not just about rice and beans. Feeding includes payment of that amount which the counter side cannot counter-pay. And each side is always ready to buy the agent of the other side. The more agents a candidate buys, the wider the ground he covers. How much do the makers of our law think an agent collects per election day?
This democracy is costly. That is why I won’t join those weeping over candidate Buhari’s ingenuity in receiving donations from borrowers of government funds. The wise learns from the tragic fall of the ones before him. That is the wisdom Goodluck Jonathan did not have which landed his Sambo Dasuki and his Diezani in trouble. No truly wise man dies at the backyard of a foolish man. If he does, then he is not wise in the first place. Indeed, that foolish death which killed the chicken owner of yesterday must not kill the goat keeper of today. There is a contest that must be funded. And funds must come from wherever to burrow the way through the rocky toll gates of the Election Day. Paying and feeding the polling and collation agents are not enough. The agents must be fortified with “supporters” around the polling units, around the ward collation centres and at the local government and state collation centres. These are big boys with the right muscles to subdue the enemy. The boys too must be well paid for them not to switch sides. In a two-horse race, the battle fulfills the promise of war – both sides have what it takes to “pacify” the enemy. Boys are not cheap to maintain, they are items that eat good money – ask your governors and their godfathers. So, why would anyone fault donations from public spirited, appreciative farmers who want Buhari’s continuity of their anchorage?
Buhari’s opponent, Atiku Abubakar, is not better, the wailers wail louder. They say he too has been spending billions and will spend bastard billions when the die is cast soon. They shout “lock them up” at the men of means because they are flouting the law, collecting and spending billions to get our mandate. I tell them it is not possible to lock up any don here. This is not America where hecklers shout “lock him up” at a fallen Trump man, Michael Flynn. Here, angels don’t fall no matter their sin. So, let no one think that a day will come when our billionaire crabs will be made to blink. You will keep watch till eternity at the bank of your river of stupidity if you expect the law to be lawful.
We live in self-mockery. You give public funds as loans to some persons in rainy season; they turn up this dry season with donations to your campaign. And you think you are right and you still smell rose? You reply that you are too clean to smell bad even after you soil your pants with careless excreta. You insist this contest is between integrity and perfidy; between a saviour and a band of shameless lucifers. You say the one who would be our president and fight evil must flex muscles and flaunt crowds. His crowds must be larger than his opponent’s crowds otherwise he won’t be able to defend the massive votes coming his way on Election Day. And how would he build a sea of heads that makes a worthwhile crowd? He must give very rich grains to the chicks of politics. And he must do it well and wisely, otherwise the chicks may go on strike like the dregs in Aminata Sow Fall’s The Beggars’ Strike.
The people’s president needs good money to continue ruling the people. One billion naira cannot do that; ten billion cannot – not even thirty six billion naira will make an impact. A billion naira for one state is just a needle thrown into an ocean. The cash that the candidate needs must be capable of ordering the Atlantic Ocean to stop and be still. Parting the Red Sea is what he must do if he is to be deemed serious enough to defeat Egypt. Because it costs billions to acquire that Rod of Moses, the Messiah in our politics must take donations from the living and the dead – even from Egyptian mummies. That is the truth. Merry Christmas to all fawning Buharisters, to the wailing haters and to the amused river between them.
and then