From an event marking International Widows Day penultimate Saturday, RITA OKONOBOH reports that widows face a lot of challenges from society, husband’s family, including neighbours, noting that their fate is always in a vicious cycle despite efforts by Non-Governmental Organisations’ efforts to step in where government had failed.
HER ssmile did little to betray the years of widowhood. In fact, meeting her as a total stranger, it would be next to impossible to guess that she had lost her husband ten years ago. Taking a deeper look into her features, however, the underlying sadness is evident.
Ten years ago, after 35 years of marriage, Mrs Victoria Abimbola Biya, who clocked 68 on June 5, 2018, lost her husband to the cold hands of death. For her, even after a decade, it is still very hard to get over the loss of her best friend. However, widowhood has done little to take away her energy. She is very passionate about making life better for widows, and is even ready to donate her land for the construction of a skill acquisition centre which will empower widows productively. She tells Sunday Tribune her story
“I have been a widow for 10 years. I clocked 68 years on June 5, 2018, having lost my husband in 2008. I am a retired teacher. We were married for only 35 years. In fact, it was like my husband retired after ‘civil service’. Things were not easy after my husband passed on. We were both involved in poultry business, but after he passed on, the business collapsed. I just recovered the land because it was taken over. I have three children.
“I have plans to establish a place for training widows in skill acquisition. I also have a land I am willing to donate to that effect. For me, I wouldn’t advise widows to remarry. Many young men of nowadays seem unwilling to settle down fully as husbands and you know the cases of widows are peculiar. Widows should work hard to take care of themselves and their children and I believe God would reward their efforts. From my experience, it is not unusual to have men approach us.
“I lost my husband when I was 58 and if I had said I wanted to remarry, I know they were only interested in what I had. I miss my husband so much. He was my best friend. However, I am grateful to have Christ in my life. I am actively involved in providing relief materials for widows. Sometimes, there are widows who express reservations in taking such gifts, insisting that they are not widows. However, they are only living in a state of denial. As widows, we need to come together to provide support for each other,” Mrs Biya said.
Mrs Biya is not the only widow; there are others in her shoes, some with worse experiences such as Mrs Peters (not real name) whose daughter, Toyin, is currently facing a very difficult situation she has suddenly found herself in.
After her father passed on, one of his relatives had come to take her away, with the claim that he would help out with her education. It had been a few years now and at 16, she was yet to finish her secondary school education. Things had gone from bad to worse as the uncle had been having sex with her for the past two months and had threatened to kill her if she ever told anyone. She spoke to her friend and they had concluded that her mother had to know the truth.
On Wednesday, June 20 2018, Mrs Peters (not real name) was informed of the situation, and without thinking twice, she marched to the shop of the relative’s wife and they ended up in fisticuffs. Mrs Peters regrets her decision to split up her children, but claims it’s because of financial challenges. Toyin is yet to come to full grasp of the psychological damage as she has refused to speak with anyone afterwards. All she keeps repeating is: “I wish my father was alive.”
For Mrs Aramide Ajibade, a 43 year-old, who lost her husband in November 2014 life must continue. Before her husband died both were working on their own house. Though her husband died before the completion they were living in the house all the same. For a long time after the tragedy she was not employed and only got a job again in January this year.
“I work with NECO. Things have not been easy since my husband died. I just started working in January 2018. Before my husband died, I used to work somewhere, but because of the nature of the job – the night shifts – I had to quit. Eventually, after my husband died, I learnt bead and hat-making. That’s what I was surviving on until I got the new job in January this year.
“We were married on December 18, 2004. We have three children. The extended family has been quite helpful but can only do so much. I am his next of kin and that made things easier. I would advise widows, especially those who are quite young, who wish to remarry should do so, to avoid the stigma of immorality that society may label them with. They should seek God’s guidance for that process, she said adding that government should help in employing widows without jobs or equip those who are uneducated with skills and support them with start-up capital.
Mrs Adenike Durojaiye does not plan to remarry, because according to her God has not directed her to do so. She also found another explanation for her single status saying: “Maybe because I am stern-looking that’s why men have not approached me.”
Forty-nine year-old Mrs Durojaiye’s husband died on December 26, 2014. It was as if her world had collapsed but she drew strength from her faith to take up the challenge to continue taking care of her five children. She is lucky to have two of her children on scholarships. She believes that widows who wish to remarry should go ahead.
Sometimes being educated could help a widow escape lots of the agonies associated with widowhood. Professor Morenike Olayinka Sanni is one of those. She lost her husband about seven years ago. A former Head of Department of Biological Sciences at Ajayi Crowther University (ACU), Oyo, Oyo State, Prof. Sanni only retired about a month ago. She worked at The Polytechnic, Ibadan for 33 years then retired in 2006. Later she started working at ACU in 2008 and was there for ten years.
“My husband died seven years ago. I had a wonderful husband,” she said adding “I miss the family devotion, the companionship, the care. He was a very wonderful husband. He provided for me and the children. I miss him every day.
“Widows are not treated fairly in Nigeria. There are situations where once a man dies, the family comes in and take over the property. Then the wife is given the option of marrying one of the husband’s relative. That is very sad. If there is a will, the challenges will be minimal. Also, women should be trained to be financially responsible.
“There are two groups of widows – the very young with or without children. Those ones, I’ll ask them to prayerfully look for another husband. It helps to have a husband to support and for the children to have a father figure. For the older widows, even the Bible has recommendations for those over 60. That group probably don’t wish to remarry. I’ll advise them to take up activities to keep themselves busy and take care of their children and grandchildren. I had decided that I would not remarry. I can’t take care of any other man they way I took care of my husband.
“It’s easier for widowers to remarry because there are many women looking for husbands. However, there are still men who do not remarry, especially because of the children. It is easier for a woman to be alone and take care of herself, than for men.
“Any man over 40 should have a will. I don’t know why this will thing is causing so much trouble. Anyway, I was also illiterate on the subject and when I discovered that my husband wrote a will – this was 20 years before he died – I was very upset. This was despite the fact that my own father also wrote a will. However, he told me that was the right thing to do. And it should be updated often. Even women should have wills. For instance, my husband has died, left some things in my care. My father also left some things in my care. When I eventually die, who would take care of those things? So, I have to make sufficient arrangement to that effect. It is very important,” she told Sunday Tribune.
Today to keep herself busy at over 70 years of age and in retirement, Professor Sanni engages in church activities as a lay preacher at the Methodist Church Nigeria (MCN) and also working on authoring some books. She is a bead artist and also designs adire clothes and bags, among other activities.
Protecting the widow
To guard against problems that widows often find themselves in, a lawyer, Mrs Adenike Adedeji, said widows must strive to do the right things. For example she said: “Widows should be aware that before handing over your child/children to anyone to act as guardian, an adoption form must be filled and religious organisations and the like can stand in as witnesses. That way, the caretaker will live up to being responsible. There is a welfare office where these forms can be accessed and widows shouldn’t hesitate to take advantage of the opportunity, no matter how close the relative is to the family.”
Since many husbands don’t write wills before their death, many widows may not have to confront issues in this regard, but for those whose husbands wrote a will before their death, Adedeji said “these can be sorted out at a probate high court, which is available in all states of the federation. The widow will be given power of administration, alongside one of her children, provided such a person is at least 18 years old. If that isn’t the case, I’ll advise the widow to pick someone from her family that she can trust.
“Widows also have to guard against subjecting themselves to the mercy of goodwill, so that their children don’t grow up with the assumption that the world owes them something. That is a terrible mindset. Women can also engage the services of lawyers to access money left in their bank accounts. The important thing is to seek assistance in the right place.”
Going forward
Every year the United Nations organises events for an International Widows Day. It is an opportunity for action towards achieving full rights and recognition for widows – too long invisible, uncounted and ignored. A dearth of reliable hard data remains one of the major obstacles to developing the policies and programmes to address the poverty, violence and discrimination suffered by widows.
From financially irresponsible husbands, whose reckless attitudes reflect long after they are gone, to extended family betrayals, unsolicited marriage proposals, and even so-called caretakers who take advantage of widows’ children in their custody, many are the challenges widows are faced with. Things are so bad that even the United Nations, working with the theme Invisible Women, Invisible Problems, notes that of ‘258 million widows around the world, nearly one in ten, live in extreme poverty.’
Children of widows are often affected, both emotionally and economically. Widowed mothers, now supporting their families alone, are forced to withdraw children from school and to rely on their labour. Moreover, the daughters of widows may suffer multiple deprivations, increasing their vulnerability to abuse.
Such cruelties are often seen as justified in terms of cultural or religious practice. Impunity for abuses of the rights of widows is rife, with few perpetrators ever successfully brought to justice. Even in countries where legal protection is more inclusive, widows can suffer social marginalisation.
Unfortunately even as the world celebrates the International Widows Day every year, it is safe to say, statistically, that their lot had not improved over the years. It will therefore take more than human efforts to improve the condition of widows especially in developing nations of the world.
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