In divorce, there are abuses more damaging than physical assault — Oluwadare, mind therapist

Having suffered abuse for eight years and successfully overcome it, Ruth Oluwadare has a Foundation which helps women to recover from all forms of domestic abuse that affected their self-esteem and confidence. She speaks with IMOLEAYO OYEDEYI on how the rising cases of divorce can be reduced across the globe.

Nigeria is one of the African countries with an alarming record of domestic violence and sexual victimisation against the female gender, what do you believe are the key causes of the prevalence of these acts in Nigeria?

There are so many of them, but I will mention just a few. One is stigmatisation. A woman, once married, but now alone tends to be avoided, given names and made to feel like a failure. Some people might  claim that she do enough to save her marriage, while even her friends and family might desert her. No one seems to care if the marriage was life-threatening to her or not, especially when physical abuse is absent. They feel since the man isn’t beating her, she should be able to manage, forgetting that there are other forms of abuse that are more damaging than the physical assault.

Also, an average Nigerian girl is taught to live with marriage as the ultimate. She is trained to forget her own feelings and dreams. In fact, hanging your dreams, or even forgetting them totally as a woman is a thing that is celebrated, and when a woman decides to be different, she is tagged as an  aggressive or arrogant  woman.

Meanwhile, the boy-child is never taught anything, not even a life skill as simple as cooking as it had been termed a woman’s duty, no one is preparing the boy-child for the future. Little wonder they grow up feeling entitled to a woman’s body, whether they are  married to her or not. They see a woman as a possession to be acquired and treat them as such. There is also the silence culture. When a woman is being abused, she is told to keep quiet.

Daily, many women in Nigeria are subjected to demoralising abuses, which often affect their self-esteem and eventually break their marriages, what do you advise women facing abuse  in their marriages to do?

They should speak up and don’t stay quiet. . They should go to the right places like NGOs, who render help. Organisations like mine can help as well and guide them on the best decision to take. They also need counselling and coaching. I know many Nigerians do not understand the need for this, but as someone who has been through abuse for almost eight years of my life, I can boldly tell them that they need this. Coaching will unravel a lot of things and prevent them from going into another worst relationship as this is usually the case for many women. If you have ever been abused, please get the help of a coach. My organisation: The Unbreakable Ruth is on social media and I have provided resources that will greatly assist the abused women on our website: www.unbreakableruth.co.uk. They can also book a session with me on the site.

For a woman of African descent, what exactly motivated you to establish the platform and in what ways has it been putting smiles on the faces of women in Nigeria and beyond?

What inspired and still inspires me is the fact I was once in an abusive marriage myself for almost eight years of my life. I understand the effect of it and how it can stop an individual from fulfilling their purpose and living life to the fullest. I understand the danger of staying in this ‘situationship’, and having helped over 100 women, I see their joy and fulfillment when they start breaking free from the abuse and its effect on them. Seeing these women living a happy and fulfilled life pushes me to stay on course and keep helping as much as possible.

Daily, the globe records a surging rate of divorce, which many have said isn’t beneficial to society, what’s your take on this and how can the trend be reduced?

The problem here is not divorce [fruit], the problem here is the cause [root]. We most times fight the wrong battle. Have we thought of what is causing divorce, some of which include the fact that women want to be heard, some men see their wives as a property and treat them anyhow, women are waking up to the fact that there is more to life than being married only and when they want to pursue this dream, their husband who can’t seem to understand why the sudden change, instead of having an engaging discussion, switch to force and abuse. The problem is not the divorce, but the foundation on which most marriages are built on. You can’t build on a faulty foundation and expect it to last. We need to visit the foundations and check the marriage counselling programmes the couples attend before their wedding to know the teachings they got. Let’s start teaching our men what it takes to make marriage work.

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