When You think you know what others are thinking

We have been exploring the fascinating ways our minds can sometimes lead us astray. We have seen how overthinking can keep us trapped in a cycle of repetitive thoughts, and how catastrophising can take a simple situation and turn it into the worst possible outcome. But there is another way our minds can create stories for us: sometimes, we convince ourselves that we know what other people are thinking or feeling, even when they have never actually told us. This is known as mind reading, and it is the focus of our conversation today.

Have you ever sent someone a message, watched the two blue ticks appear and waited for a response that never came? At first, you probably thought, “Maybe they are busy.” Then an hour passed. Then two. Suddenly, your mind began filling in the blanks. “Did I offend them?” ” Are they angry with me?” ”Maybe they are deliberately ignoring me.” Before long, a simple unanswered message has become an emotional investigation, and you have already reached a conclusion about what the other person must be thinking.

Perhaps you greet someone and they barely respond. They do not smile, they do not stop to chat and they simply continue walking. You immediately begin wondering what you have done. Maybe they are upset with you. Maybe someone has said something about you. Maybe they no longer like you. Yet there is one small detail we often forget in moments like this: we do not actually know.

They could be tired. They could be worried about something. They could be distracted. They may not have even noticed how their response came across. But because the brain does not particularly enjoy uncertainty, it often tries to complete the story for us.

This is what psychologists refer to as mind reading, a cognitive distortion in which we assume we know what another person is thinking or feeling without having enough evidence to support that conclusion. It is not that we are deliberately making things up. The brain is simply trying to make sense of incomplete information. The problem begins when an assumption quietly becomes a fact in our minds.

Think about how often we say things like, “I know she is angry with me,” “I know what he thinks about me,” or “They definitely don’t want me there.” But how do we know? Did the person actually say it? Did they clearly communicate it? Or did we observe something and then create a story around it?

There is a big difference between what happened and what we think it means. Someone seeing your message and not replying is what happened. “They are ignoring me because they are angry” is your interpretation. Someone walking past you without smiling is what happened. “They don’t like me anymore” is the story your mind added.

Sometimes, we are right. People do get angry. People do ignore messages. People sometimes do think things about us that we may not like. But the point is not that our interpretations are always wrong. The point is that we cannot know for certain without evidence or communication.

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This becomes particularly important in relationships. Imagine being upset with your partner because you believe they are deliberately giving you the silent treatment, only to discover later that they were exhausted after a difficult day. Or imagine avoiding a friend because you think they are upset with you when they have been dealing with a personal problem that had nothing to do with you. How many misunderstandings could we prevent if we simply asked instead of assuming?

Sometimes, one simple question can save us hours of unnecessary emotional distress: “Are you okay?” Instead of saying, “You are angry with me,” we could say, “You seem a little quiet today. Is everything alright?” Instead of deciding that someone is deliberately ignoring us, we could ask, “I noticed you have not responded. Is everything okay?” Asking does something very important. It gives reality a chance to correct the story our mind has created.

This does not mean we should ignore our instincts. Our brains are naturally designed to notice facial expressions, tone of voice, body language and changes in people’s behaviour. These observations can help us understand one another. But there is a difference between noticing a change and deciding what that change means. We can notice that someone is quiet without deciding that they are angry with us. We can notice that someone seems distant without concluding that they no longer care.

The next time you find yourself thinking, “I know what they are thinking,” pause for a moment and ask yourself, “Do I really know, or am I assuming?” That small pause can create enough space for another explanation to emerge.

Here’s a simple Mind Exercise for this week. Whenever you catch yourself assuming what another person is thinking or feeling, pause and ask yourself three questions: What do I actually know? What am I assuming? What else could be happening? You may be surprised to discover how quickly your certainty begins to soften when you allow yourself to consider another possibility.  Our minds are constantly trying to make sense of the world around us, but not every explanation our minds produce is the truth. Sometimes, we do not need to think harder. We simply need to communicate better.

Next week, we will explore another fascinating cognitive distortion: fortune telling, when the mind tries to predict what will happen before life has had the opportunity to reveal it. Until then, remember this: you may have a thought about what someone else is thinking, but that does not mean you know it. Sometimes, the healthiest thing you can do is stop guessing and simply ask.