Taming the monstrous domestic violence in marriage

Domestic violence, which is a prominent aspect of marital abuse, is fast becoming a recurring decimal. It’s something that we must not treat with kid gloves — not with the reported incident of last week, resulting in the death of a lieutenant in the Nigerian Army, during a marital conflict between him and his wife, a few months old in the marriage. He was set ablaze in the scuffle.  That’s why I am returning to domestic violence this week, and probably, the next one or two weeks, as we revisit this monster ravaging the marriage institution.

I was provoked to do this because of the serious damage it’s causing the marriage institution, making it less attractive for more people in society. Last year, I read about what the Emir of Kano, His Royal Majesty, Sanusi Lamido Sanusi, reportedly said some time ago. He was reported to have said that he would slap any daughter of his who came to report that her husband slapped her, without her returning the slap.

As if that was not enough, the husband of my dearest sister, some time ago, violently inflicted injury on her body.

These two incidents informed my decision to consider the issue of marital abuse again, so as to make sanity prevail in an abusive marriage as much as possible.

My heart bleeds for the abused. May the soul of the dead in last week’s marital violence rest in perfect peace.

Abusive marriage is one that one should not wish for, even for an adversary. It comes in various shades and versions. It’s something I don’t like to think about because it stirs up emotions in me. Though it’s very common for men to be the abuser, a few cases end up with the wives as the abuser. In last week’s incident, the accusing finger points to the wife as the aggressor who set her husband ablaze. Whichever way, it’s not good for our society, and it must be fought to a standstill.

Abusive by definition means to treat someone badly by coarse, insulting words or other maltreatment, vituperative, reproachful, or scurrilous — first attested in the early 17th century —  according to the free dictionary, Wiktionary. It involves being physically or emotionally injurious; characterised by repeated violence or other abuse.

For the marriage institution, an abuse is characterised by the bad treatment of a spouse in all respects and manner of physical, sexual, and emotional torture. It’s a scary situation that leaves a lasting, damaging effect on the abused, which may culminate in death if there is no timely intervention. This is why it should be a source of serious concern for all.

Traits of an abusive marriage

These tell you that a marriage is abusive in nature. Whenever a marriage evidences any or all of the following traits, it’s suffering from abuse.

•Isolation of a spouse. One spouse is isolated from friends, family members, and neighbours. No visitors, no phone calls, or outings by the abused. When this is noticed about a marriage, those around and family members, and friends must do more than pay lip service to the situation.

•Secrecy. This means information about the family is gagged. The abused is prohibited from talking to anyone, including her siblings and parents, about the affairs of the marriage or family. So, it’s difficult to know what goes on in the marriage. It thrives under the notion “let’s keep our secrets, secret.”

•Physical hurts or bruises. One common way to identify an abusive marriage is physical scars. You notice that the abused, usually the wives, have bloodshot eyes, bruises on the face, broken lips, and the like. When you make an enquiry, the answer is very similar — a fall in the bathroom or the staircase, or a collision with the door, etc. In reality, the common hidden reason is a physical assault on the wife by her husband. Many times, we have ignored such signs or swallowed the proffered reasons, line, hook, sinker, ignorantly, to the detriment of the abused. This must not be allowed henceforth.

•Irrational or weird behaviour. Putting words into the mouth of the spouse, living in perpetual fear of the spouse, jittery, or having incoherent speech. These should trigger anyone’s curiosity about a marriage.

These are some of the pointers to an abusive marriage. We must watch out for more and be our neighbours’ keeper. Lives can be saved and destiny salvaged through such an intervention.

Weapons of the abuser

For an abusive marriage to thrive, the abuser usually employs the following weapons:

•Intimidation. It means to make someone afraid. Fear is created in the heart of someone. You make one feel weaker and unable to withstand someone or something. The purpose and the intent of intimidation is to dominate and control someone, for a selfish advantage. In an abusive marriage, fear is created in the abused to dominate him or her, to make him or her dance to one’s tune. That’s why the abused scarcely talks to another person about his or her situation in the marriage.

•Control. This is to dictate to someone what to do or not to do. It’s like issuing a command that must not be disobeyed. This makes the abused vulnerable without going beyond the dictates of the abuser.

•Manipulation. This is the act of exerting undue influence on someone to gain control over him or her, for one’s selfish advantage. Manipulation plays on the mind of someone so as to make him or her subjective to the ways and manners of the abuser. In marriage, the abused is influenced in such a way to obey and accept any position or proposal presented by the abuser. It usually presents false narratives about people, events, and situations.

•Threats of physical and emotional torture. This is a major weapon of the abuser. It threatens dire consequences for the abused if he or she doesn’t abide by the instructions or wishes of the abuser. Such threats are usually executed at the slightest opportunity to achieve the aim of the abuser.

These are simply to keep the abused traumatised in such a way to prevent her from reaching out to others for help. In most cases, it takes advantage of the weaknesses of the abused in terms of blind love, poor family background, and previous bad experiences to traumatise her. These make the abused unable to stand up to the abuser. It’s a terrible situation that is unpalatable.

We must all be armed to recognise an abusive marriage, as well as be able to confront it headlong to save vulnerable partners from agony or even death.

We will conclude this on the steps to take to deal with the monster called abusive marriage in the next write-up.

•You can avail yourself of copies of my books, ‘Enjoying Great S3x Life’, and ‘How To Help Your Wife Enjoy S3x’. Contact 08112658560 for details. SMS only