FUNMILAYO AREMU examines the undercurrents of the rising cases of spouse murder and how couples can live in harmony.
Bello Soliu and his wife, Ramota, residents of Iyana Ilewo, Abeokuta, Ogun State, often quarrelled like most couples. Soliu’s complaint was that his wife usually starved him and the boy who lived with them. When he could no longer stomach the problem, he invited his family members to intervene in the matter on Friday, February 11, 2022.
Despite the intervention of family members, things got worse two days later when Ramota, mother of two, allegedly doused her sleeping husband with hot water, leading to his death.
In a similar incident which happened at Ohoro community in Ughelli North Local Government Area of Delta State, Blessing, a mother of seven who was pregnant with her 8th child also killed her husband. Her husband, Jonathan Umamode, had visited his wife’s shop and demanded that she should follow him home. When his wife refused, he allegedly gathered all the pieces of fried chicken she was selling in her little stall, doused them with kerosene and set everything ablaze. In anger, Blessing allegedly stabbed Umamode with a knife in the chest which eventually led to his death.
Hitherto, news of domestic violence even the ones leading to death often tilt towards women as victims. However, lately, it appears that cases of matricide (wives killing husbands) have been on the rise. According to the Lagos State Domestic and Sexual Violence Response Team (DSVRT) in their bi-annual report in 2021, 194 men were reportedly assaulted by their partners within six months. This could also indicate that more men are being assaulted by their spouses but could not speak up about it.
Possible causes
But why are cases of deadly spousal conflicts on the rise? Sunday Tribune’s investigation revealed that the causes of this rising domestic problem are multi-faceted.
According to a marriage counsellor, Mrs Oluwatoyin Bakare, one of the reasons some couples have issues in their homes which sometimes lead to violence is that the foundations of such marriages are wrong.
“The most common cause is that the foundation of the marriage is wrong. The question should be: why are you marrying this person? Some marry for love, or because the partner has a particular talent; some, because the person is from a rich family, some because of position, etc.
“Most of the foundations are wrong. Then we have the question of compatibility: emotional and mental compatibility. Most of them see signs of aggression in their partners during courtship, some even destroy things when they’re angry but still go ahead with the relationship. Why?
“Another thing is God’s leading. Has God led you (those involved) into that marriage? Has he led you to that particular person or you are relying on somebody’s prophecy? The youth of today don’t even care to be led by the spirit of God. If you want to be led by God, you have to sanctify yourself. Most of them are so involved in sex and God cannot lead you to someone you are already having sex with; he is already your husband.
“Deceit is another thing. In a situation where a man practising a religion marries a lady from a different religion, because they are in love and he promised to allow the lady practise her religion and after the marriage he tells her otherwise, there will be crisis in the home. There is also what I call work idolatry in which someone puts his or her work above his family,” she explained.
On whether the shrinking economic opportunities which have forced many Nigerians into the well of poverty could be the cause of violent frictions in many homes, a legal practitioner, Mr Gbenga Makinde, opines that the economy has nothing to do with the problem. According to him, the economy has always been bad. One of the causative factors, he noted, is interference from parents, especially mothers.
“Most married people often make a mistake; when two people are joined together in holy matrimony and that is interference. Though there is still something that is left for parents to do, that is to monitor without interference. Parenting doesn’t end. The moment your daughter is about to get married, prepare her for that next step. For Christ’s sake, do not poke your nose into your daughter’s affairs, though naturally, the daughters would want to talk to their mothers about everything.
“When the young wife cooks for her husband and he doesn’t eat, she panics, then calls her mother, complaining about everything, drawing conclusions. Now, this is where a good mother comes in. A good mother is supposed to calm her down.
“The reason we have spouses killing each other these days is because there is encouragement from an outsider, either directly or indirectly. But when the mother is saying something else to make matters worse, she is drawing the girl away from her home. Advising her daughter to do things that she herself wouldn’t dare to do in her husband’s house,” he said.
According to Makinde, sometimes, the killing is not only physical but could also be emotional. He alluded to a situation whereby women would rather listen to their pastors instead of their husbands.
“It is not until the man is pronounced dead or the woman is pronounced dead that the killing starts. Gradually, they (couples) have been killing each other, but they just didn’t know it. You don’t have to draw that dagger. There are many ways of killing your spouse: frustration, disgrace, lack of provision.”
Mrs Bakare corroborated Makinde’s claim, adding that: “Nowadays, our young ladies don’t want to respect their husbands. They’re both graduates, both have Master’s degrees, both have good jobs and can both do without the other. Respect is the number one need of any man., then food and sex – those three – but the major thing a man values in a wife is respect.
“Most (ladies) are interested in the wedding rather than the marriage. The rate of pretence is getting higher. That is why you date someone for 10 years and still do not know each other until you begin to live together as a couple.”
A Professor, Arabic and Islamic Studies, University of Ibadan, Afis Oladosu,believes that traditional values had been lost, adding that unlike the olden days when parents teach the right values to their children by advising them not to marry for material reasons, invaluable teachings have been thrown into the dustbin.
“You would not want to marry someone because of fame or money or possibilities of status in future. Our parents then, gave us God’s consciousness and values, the reality that this our world does not and will not end here. But now, there is mutual assured destruction: it’s either you kill me first or I kill you first. The cause could be materialism. It could be disconnection, it could be mental or psychosocial disorder either of the couple might be suffering from which they may not know.
“At times people may have mental health issues and people might not know until the particular person engages in a very violent act”, Oladosu explained.
Timely intervention
An Associate Priest of the Catholic Church of the Resurrection, Magodo, Lagos State, Reverend Father Johnpaul Olaniran, while looking at the issue from a Christian’s perspective explained that in the event of such occurrences among members, the church often suggests separation for couples, especially when violence is involved.
“There must have been signs which the partners have been ignoring before it gets to the stage of murder. It doesn’t just happen.
“Besides, there are procedures to follow when marital issues arise. That is why the church makes sure there are at least two witnesses and sponsors for each marriage. The sponsor should be able to come in and settle issues. If it is an issue above the sponsors, the priests who are the ministers of this sacred union should be consulted and if the church sees that it is becoming violent and might lead to death, the church suggests separation in order to bring healing.
“While they’re living separately, the church works on reconciliation. In marriage, if man and wife fight to the extent of considering divorce, the children suffer. And if the children suffer, it means the society at large will suffer. But if it is a continous fight that may threaten human life the church advises separation.
Psychological dimension
But Dr Ola Ibigbami, a lecturer at the Department of Mental Health, Obafemi Awolowo University, Ile-Ife, Osun State, believes that the incidence of murder in marriage needs to be looked at in a much deeper way than in other situations vis-a-vis the intention behind the act of murder.
“Every human behavior that emanates from a rational or seemingly rational mind must have a purpose. Therefore, a behavioral scientist will want to examine the grievous act of an individual’s murder of his or her spouse within the context of what the perpetrator would have wanted to achieve by his or her action.
“I will want to look at the context of murder within a romantic relationship from two perspectives. Was the fatal act initiated with the intent to kill? Or, was the fatal act a mistake, an act, or omission that occurred in a fit of rage or mental imbalance?
“A man or woman who premeditated the act of killing his or her partner might have done so as a means of expressing displeasure, reaction to the hurt of a failed relationship, or retaliation for an act of wrongdoing by the victim. The other person who mistakenly killed his or her partner while enraged and involved in an altercation might not have meant for that to happen.
“Precisely, all these boil down to the fact that aggression in animals (including humans) can be described as a means of communication. While some persons’ rage might be part of the symptoms of a severe mental illness, the desire to communicate feelings of dominance, displeasure, disappointment, disagreement, etc, appears to be a factor when couples set out to hurt themselves physically or even take their lives. Hence the inability to learn how to communicate displeasure and properly manage conflicts or crises with the intention of achieving a favorable outcome lies at the heart of these problems,” Ibigbami posited.
Fixing the problem
To forestall conflict in the home, Makinde recommends that couples should communicate often and try not to hold grudges about one another.
“Trust me, there are some men that can drive women crazy, even to the point of wanting to stab him in his sleep. Each marriage has its own trials. We can drive each other crazy; a man can love his wife to bits today, and tomorrow, it is a different story. We all have our breaking points. Just make sure that your spouse doesn’t get to that point.
“People need to be sensitive to each other, know the reason behind each other’s mood; when a woman has the belief that she has a husband that notices everything, she would feel loved. That husband won’t kill her.”
According to Bakare, “Both partners should sit and discuss to find out where they’ve both gone wrong. Examine the causes of this marital breakdown. Unless you know the cause, you can’t find a solution to it. You can’t force a change in a man. Only God takes care of that. Bring God into it, don’t bottle up emotions, don’t bring past records of offences. Forbear and forgive one another.
“Sexual deprivation is another issue. When a woman deprives her husband of sex, she shouldn’t expect peace in such a home. If she keeps giving excuses of being tired, with time she’ll be off the desk and he’ll go and get it outside. Wrong association is also part of it. Do your friends add value or devalue? A woman should fulfil her marital obligation, learn to cook if she doesn’t know how to. With patience, endurance, love, prayer and a forgiving spirit, everything will be okay. Without all these, the home will not last. A good marriage brings forth good children. A good marriage is a good family and a good family is a good society,” she admonished.
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