Personality perspective (3): Finding balance fora healthier mind

Over the past two weeks, we have been on a journey of self-discovery through the lens of personality. In the first episode, we laid the foundation by exploring what personality really means and how it quietly shapes our everyday lives, our choices, our relationships, even the way we react to stress. In the second episode, we zoomed in on the Big Five traits: openness, conscientiousness, extraversion, agreeableness, and neuroticism. These five, like invisible threads, weave the tapestry of who we are. And we saw how they play out in real life, especially in the Nigerian context, whether it’s how a shy student struggles to speak up in class, how an extroverted neighbor easily finds friends in the noisy chaos of Lagos, or how conscientious traders in Ibadan earn loyalty from customers by their sheer diligence. We saw that while these traits may differ in expression, they all matter and help us understand ourselves and those around us better.

But our conversation does not end there. Personality is not just about how we laugh, talk, or socialise; it can also predispose us to mental health outcomes. How someone feels about life, how they process success and failure, how they interpret criticism, all of these are deeply rooted in personality. Reading through the works of Hewitt and Flett in 1993, I came across an important point: people who strongly believe they should be perfect in their work are more likely to develop depression. The weight of self-imposed standards can crush joy, leaving behind anxiety, sadness, or burnout. Perfectionism is not inherently bad, it can motivate excellence but when it becomes the lens through which we judge our entire worth, it turns toxic. We see this daily around us. Many Nigerians hold themselves under enormous pressure to succeed in a harsh economy. The young graduate hustling for a job in Lagos may feel worthless if he is not living up to societal expectations of “success.” The market woman who compares her stall to her neighbor’s may conclude she is failing, even if her small gains sustain her family. Yet nothing is wrong with being dissatisfied in moments, it is human to want more. The key is balance. We must also learn to celebrate small wins, acknowledge progress, and then find healthier ways to grow.

This struggle doesn’t stop with individuals. It often shows up in our workplaces too. Some bosses never appreciate their subordinates, not because the workers are doing badly, but because the boss’s personality is one that leans toward criticism rather than encouragement. The words they use, the tone they adopt, or their inability to recognize good effort can wound employees’ mental health. Over time, such constant exposure to harshness without affirmation can push even the strongest to breaking points. In Nigeria’s work culture, where unemployment is high and people hold on to jobs under stressful conditions, the danger is even more pronounced. Employees endure mistreatment silently, fearing dismissal. Some lose confidence, others develop anxiety, and some slip quietly into depression. And yet, there is always a better way to pass difficult feedback. Criticism does not have to kill; it can be constructive, framed with kindness, designed to strengthen rather than tear down.

This brings us to an important question: can we groom ourselves for personality change, and how can we tame traits when they begin to get out of hand? Research has shown that while our core tendencies remain relatively stable, growth is possible. A hot-tempered person can learn patience, a perfectionist can practice self-compassion, and a withdrawn person can gradually build social courage. It takes intentionality, practice, and sometimes professional help. But change is possible. After all, personality is not a prison, it is a pattern, and patterns can be reshaped. In everyday life, we see this too. The strict parent who learns to soften with time. The once shy child who becomes a confident public speaker. The rigid manager who, after years of alienating staff, discovers empathy and leads with more humanity. These stories remind us that though personality shapes us, we are not entirely at its mercy.

Personality, then, is like a mirror. When we look into it honestly, we begin to see the connections between who we are, what we feel, and how we relate with the world. That mirror sometimes shows us beauty, our strengths, resilience, warmth, and courage. At other times, it reveals cracks, traits that if left unchecked can hurt us and others. The wisdom lies in not denying the cracks, but in facing them with humility and effort to change. In Nigeria, where life is full of pressure, uncertainty, and comparison, understanding our personalities can be the difference between crumbling under stress and finding healthier ways to cope. It can help us be kinder to ourselves, more tolerant of others, and more hopeful about the possibility of growth.

Next time you find yourself angry in traffic, restless over a colleague’s delay, or frustrated when your child makes a mistake, pause for a moment and ask yourself: is this really about the situation, or is it my personality at play? Often, what fuels our reaction is not the event itself but the way our personality colours how we see it. That simple awareness can be powerful. It helps us step back, breathe, and respond more calmly. In that pause lies the freedom to choose a healthier response. The truth is that personality is not a prison; it is a pattern, and patterns can be reshaped over time. Little by little, by checking ourselves in everyday moments, we learn to tame excesses, soften our edges, and grow into more balanced versions of ourselves. It doesn’t require a dramatic transformation, just consistent small steps: celebrating little wins, giving ourselves and others grace, and choosing not to let our personality drive us into unnecessary battles. In the end, personality may predispose us, but it does not have to define our future

So, as we round off this three-part reflection, I invite you to pause and look in the mirror of personality. What do you see? Which of your traits give you strength, and which ones drain your peace? Where do you need to grow, and where do you need to offer yourself more compassion? The journey of understanding who we are is not about labeling ourselves permanently, but about using that knowledge to live better, love deeper, and grow wiser. And in the end, it is not perfection that keeps us well, but balance, acceptance, and the courage to keep learning about ourselves.

Over the past two weeks, we have been on a journey of self-discovery through the lens of personality. In the first episode, we laid the foundation by exploring what personality really means and how it quietly shapes our everyday lives, our choices, our relationships, even the way we react to stress. In the second episode, we zoomed in on the Big Five traits: openness, conscientiousness, extraversion, agreeableness, and neuroticism. These five, like invisible threads, weave the tapestry of who we are. And we saw how they play out in real life, especially in the Nigerian context, whether it’s how a shy student struggles to speak up in class, how an extroverted neighbor easily finds friends in the noisy chaos of Lagos, or how conscientious traders in Ibadan earn loyalty from customers by their sheer diligence. We saw that while these traits may differ in expression, they all matter and help us understand ourselves and those around us better.

But our conversation does not end there. Personality is not just about how we laugh, talk, or socialise; it can also predispose us to mental health outcomes. How someone feels about life, how they process success and failure, how they interpret criticism, all of these are deeply rooted in personality. Reading through the works of Hewitt and Flett in 1993, I came across an important point: people who strongly believe they should be perfect in their work are more likely to develop depression. The weight of self-imposed standards can crush joy, leaving behind anxiety, sadness, or burnout. Perfectionism is not inherently bad, it can motivate excellence but when it becomes the lens through which we judge our entire worth, it turns toxic. We see this daily around us. Many Nigerians hold themselves under enormous pressure to succeed in a harsh economy. The young graduate hustling for a job in Lagos may feel worthless if he is not living up to societal expectations of “success.” The market woman who compares her stall to her neighbor’s may conclude she is failing, even if her small gains sustain her family. Yet nothing is wrong with being dissatisfied in moments, it is human to want more. The key is balance. We must also learn to celebrate small wins, acknowledge progress, and then find healthier ways to grow.

This struggle doesn’t stop with individuals. It often shows up in our workplaces too. Some bosses never appreciate their subordinates, not because the workers are doing badly, but because the boss’s personality is one that leans toward criticism rather than encouragement. The words they use, the tone they adopt, or their inability to recognize good effort can wound employees’ mental health. Over time, such constant exposure to harshness without affirmation can push even the strongest to breaking points. In Nigeria’s work culture, where unemployment is high and people hold on to jobs under stressful conditions, the danger is even more pronounced. Employees endure mistreatment silently, fearing dismissal. Some lose confidence, others develop anxiety, and some slip quietly into depression. And yet, there is always a better way to pass difficult feedback. Criticism does not have to kill; it can be constructive, framed with kindness, designed to strengthen rather than tear down.

This brings us to an important question: can we groom ourselves for personality change, and how can we tame traits when they begin to get out of hand? Research has shown that while our core tendencies remain relatively stable, growth is possible. A hot-tempered person can learn patience, a perfectionist can practice self-compassion, and a withdrawn person can gradually build social courage. It takes intentionality, practice, and sometimes professional help. But change is possible. After all, personality is not a prison, it is a pattern, and patterns can be reshaped. In everyday life, we see this too. The strict parent who learns to soften with time. The once shy child who becomes a confident public speaker. The rigid manager who, after years of alienating staff, discovers empathy and leads with more humanity. These stories remind us that though personality shapes us, we are not entirely at its mercy.

Personality, then, is like a mirror. When we look into it honestly, we begin to see the connections between who we are, what we feel, and how we relate with the world. That mirror sometimes shows us beauty, our strengths, resilience, warmth, and courage. At other times, it reveals cracks, traits that if left unchecked can hurt us and others. The wisdom lies in not denying the cracks, but in facing them with humility and effort to change. In Nigeria, where life is full of pressure, uncertainty, and comparison, understanding our personalities can be the difference between crumbling under stress and finding healthier ways to cope. It can help us be kinder to ourselves, more tolerant of others, and more hopeful about the possibility of growth.

Next time you find yourself angry in traffic, restless over a colleague’s delay, or frustrated when your child makes a mistake, pause for a moment and ask yourself: is this really about the situation, or is it my personality at play? Often, what fuels our reaction is not the event itself but the way our personality colours how we see it. That simple awareness can be powerful. It helps us step back, breathe, and respond more calmly. In that pause lies the freedom to choose a healthier response. The truth is that personality is not a prison; it is a pattern, and patterns can be reshaped over time. Little by little, by checking ourselves in everyday moments, we learn to tame excesses, soften our edges, and grow into more balanced versions of ourselves. It doesn’t require a dramatic transformation, just consistent small steps: celebrating little wins, giving ourselves and others grace, and choosing not to let our personality drive us into unnecessary battles. In the end, personality may predispose us, but it does not have to define our future

So, as we round off this three-part reflection, I invite you to pause and look in the mirror of personality. What do you see? Which of your traits give you strength, and which ones drain your peace? Where do you need to grow, and where do you need to offer yourself more compassion? The journey of understanding who we are is not about labeling ourselves permanently, but about using that knowledge to live better, love deeper, and grow wiser. And in the end, it is not perfection that keeps us well, but balance, acceptance, and the courage to keep learning about ourselves.

READ ALSO: Personality perspective (2): Understanding yourself through the mirror of traits