Failure and our self-esteem

Shola recently lost her job in a bank following the on-going downsizing of staff. She is devastated that despite her hard work and meticulous attention to detail in her work…for the past seven years, she could be considered surplus to requirement and discarded so casually with only three months pay in lieu of notice.

All her dreams of the improvements she would implement, once she is promoted to head of operations and she actually begins to supervise an entire branch of the bank have just disappeared into thin air. How she would receive commendations for her model branch and improved customer satisfaction and efficiency with staff motivation….. On and on she ruminated on her failure as hot tears rolled down her tears.

She considered her boyfriend who just broke up with her because he insisted that he could not marry a banker who was working so many hours, only for her to learn that his engagement to another lady took place just three weeks after he broke up with her. She cried even harder as she remembered his betrayal.

Now, with no job, no relationship and no significant savings, she felt like an utter failure. She had invested heavily in stocks and lost millions. Now, she felt really stupid. Her parents are late and her two younger siblings were still in the university and she had been responsible for supporting their education. How is she going to manage to do that now?

She wondered aloud. Her self-esteem was at its lowest ebb. She had gone from a high achieving young lady with a blossoming career and big dreams to a complete failure within the spate of one month. Life has been very cruel.

• Addressing mental health challenges in Nigeria

Perspective is key

A few friends rallied around and did not leave her alone. They encouraged and supported her. One of them suggested she sees a clinical psychologist to help her through her difficulties as she did not appear to be getting better.

She agreed and that was the beginning of her upward trajectory. She had sessions where it became clear to her that the bulk of the work she needed to do was on herself, her attitudes and her self-esteem.

“I lost my job and my conclusion was that I must have been terrible at it, and that was why I was laid off whereas, others had been lobbying actively to be retained. I was hurt by the betrayal of my boyfriend, but I again assumed that I was the guilty party for not making out time for him and so ended up feeling inadequate and incompetent…whereas, he had obviously been double dating all along.

“The psychologist encouraged me to let go of these negative assumptions about myself. Instead, she focused on trying to establish what my unique strengths were. I had never really given much thought to my strengths as an individual and was pleasantly surprised that we soon drew up a long list of my good attributes. I was very loyal to my friends, and would sacrifice my comfort to help others.

“Since my parents died in a car accident, I have worked extra hard to provide for my younger siblings and sponsor them through school – especially as all the family members turned their backs on us. To my siblings, I have been a rock and their saviour. I am very hardworking and meticulous with responsibilities, courteous and polite, always greeted people with a smile -even when I was hurting internally. I love creative writing and had always dreamed of becoming a creative writer after I retire from my banking career. Slowly but steadily, my self-esteem began to improve.”

Steps to improve our self-esteem.

• Minimise self-criticism. Rejection damages our self-esteem, and you don’t want to worsen the damage through your self-criticism. If you must analyse what you did wrong, do so quickly and with empathy toward yourself and learn lessons from the episode. Then turn the page and move on.
• Never take it personally. We often assume rejection is personal, when more often than not, it is not. Most rejections are due to many factors, such as timing, and circumstances that have nothing to do with you as an individual.
• Work on your self-esteem. Since your self-esteem has sustained an emotional wound, you need to treat it and help that wound heal. The best way to revive your self-esteem is to make a list of qualities you know you have that someone else is likely to appreciate.
• You do belong. As social animals, we have a need to feel valued and accepted by the various groups to which we belong. This feeling is threatened by a failure or rejection. So, reach out to those who love and accept you, the way you are.