Empathy and human relationships

Mr and Mrs Ojo have been married for nearly a year, but they have lately had increasing friction and quarrels over mundane issues. Mr Ojo is convinced that she is intentionally being difficult and unreasonable.

For instance, he came back from work late last night after a very hectic day at work and at their building site to supervise ongoing construction on their recently acquired plot of land.But she was furious with him for not remembering that she had requested for him to get some items for her on his way home. He apologised and explained that he completely forgot as he had a very long day.

He further promised to get them first thing the following day. But she was really upset, and in his own opinion, far beyond the current incident.

He was puzzled and felt his apology should have helped to make peace. Thus, since she was being unreasonable, he also became angry and spoke harshly about her being very insensitive and inconsiderate of how tired he was.

He grabbed a pillow and stormed out of the bedroom to sleep in the living room.

Mrs Ojo, on the other hand, was unhappy that she had specifically requested for those items because she wanted to make a special treat the next day as a surprise for their wedding anniversary. And the shop where the items are available is right next to her husband’s office on the other side of town.

She had also sent him an SMS reminder earlier in the day so he would not forget. Furthermore, she had been busy preparing and driving all over town getting things ready. And the only task she had relied on him to help her with he failed to do…. and was nonchalant about it.

To make matters worse, he had the temerity to accuse her of being insensitive and became angry and upset. He should enjoy his sleep in the sitting room. If he was expecting her to go and apologize, it will never happen, she resolved.

Why is he becoming so obstinate and difficult these days? She wondered to herself. And if he wanted to be upset and not talk to her, she was game and ready for it. In fact, if he failed to apologise and get those items tomorrow morning, she would do anything again for the anniversary. She resolved.

Discussion

It is estimated that about 80 per cent of marital difficulties occur from simple misunderstandings and breakdown in communication, which soon becomes a rapid descent down the slippery slope of ‘tit for tat’.

Thus, each individual digs in their heels and refuse to budge, or extend an olive branch to make peace. Furthermore, they respectively remain convinced that they are the aggrieved party and the spouse is in the wrong.

And this is where empathy comes in. Empathy is the ability to understand the other person’s point of view and sort of ‘walk in their shoes’ and see things from their perspective. It is usually at that point, that the picture becomes clearer and both parties can arrive at an appreciation of each other’s good intentions and efforts.

The classical illustration of this scenario is best depicted by two individuals looking at the number ‘6’ while standing at the top and bottom respectively. To the individual standing at the top, it is crystal clear that the number is a ‘9’.Whereas, the second individual standing at the bottom is left scratching his head as to why the first individual cannot recognise what is clearly a number ‘6’. This sort of unfortunate scenario is what has played out with Mr and Mrs Ojo in the narrative above.

If either Mr Ojo or Mrs Ojo had taken the pains to understand the point of view of the other party, they would probably have ended up hugging each other in appreciation of the other person’s efforts. And the feelings would be those of appreciation, love and happiness; rather than anger and a quarrel.

The other critical linchpin of empathy is active listening. This is different from merely hearing another person talk. It requires active attention and concentration, with the sole aim of understanding the other person’s point of view, and the message they are trying to convey, using both verbal as well non-verbal (body language) cues.

It also entails trying to decipher what the message means – or what is implied and left unsaid. Obviously, this is much harder work than merely listening without paying attention in a disinterested manner.

Conclusion

The people who suffer the most from our thoughtless lack of empathy are frequently our loved ones, family and friends. But we need to actively deploy empathy and active listening in all our interactions for better human relationships.