Break-ups in relationships are results of dysfunctional upbringing —Rev Adetuberu

Rev  (Dr). Olufunke Adetuberu is the founder of Women College of Ministry, the School of Finishing Touches and MendingLives, a   ministry targeted towards assisting the underprivileged and especially emotionally and psychologically damaged individuals from all walks of life.  In this interview by TEMITOPE ADEGBUYi, she says it is her belief that no woman must die empty.

FOR those who don’t know you, who is Rev Olufunke Adetuberu?

I am a multifaceted woman of God. I am known for my unique and profound personality. My passion is to give relevant and viable solutions to challenges in the lives of people. I am a mother, grandmother and a prophetess by calling. I travel extensively across the globe to speak to men and women.

One of the issues youths encounter is finding the right partner. A lot of people have made mistakes in the choice of their life partners. What do you think is responsible for this?

I have a popular slogan, trace it, face it, erase it and start replacing it. For every challenge we encounter in life, we have to check the root and trace it from there. For instance, you need to ask yourself, why do I have to quit this relationship? Why do I have to be in an abusive relationship?

Looking at the root, any child that is from a dysfunctional home is naturally dysfunctional. It could be from a monogamous or polygamous family. Sometimes, we feel people from monogamous family don’t have issues. For example, a child looks like his dad. He’s quiet while the mother is the opposite and there’s another child that looks like the mother and the things that people hate about the mother is seen in the child. A child like that is being crushed and killed emotionally. When a person is sick emotionally, such  sickness is not visible; it’s the manifestation that people see, and as a result, people wonder why he or she reacts the way she does because they don’t understand her foundation.

A polygamous family on the other hand is a ‘fuji house of commotion.’ They have different factions and a child that grows up from such  system is naturally abnormal. Every child speaks a different love language and has different personality types.

People are not the same. If a child grows up from such a family where the father and mother are not together, if he had, at any point seen them abusing and beating each other, even if you send such a child to Harvard or anywhere to succeed, he becomes a damaged professor, banker, doctor, president, pastor, etc.And we live in a society where we major in the minor part of life which is the achievements of people while neglecting the major part of life.

It is said that a lot of people are making landmark achievements just because they want to erase the pains of the past. What do you have to say about this?

In a monogamous home where the father wanted a boy and he got a girl, the father would not see the best in the girl-child, while the mother would keep saying that the girl is also important. The   child  would reply the voice of her pain by trying to impress everyone that what a boy can do, a girl can do better. All these go into your relationship.

What  then is the solution to the problem?

The way out is to trace the root, like I said earlier. You have to come to terms with the fact that something is wrong with you. Many people are in denial; hence, they hide it under excessive make-up, bleaching, sleeping around, pornography, masturbating and so on. Until the denial stops, nothing can change. It shouldn’t be swept under the carpet. If you are emotionally sick, you know, only you know, it’s a personal struggle. It’s not physical; people might see it but the moment you come to terms with the fact that something is wrong with you, that’s the beginning of recovery. If you don’t recover, you cannot discover your destiny. I see women who had five children for five different men, the second or third marriage hardly works. The demon you can’t conquer in one, you can’t conquer in another. The fact that you kept your virginity doesn’t mean you are emotionally functional. There are five types of fathers; we have a shadow dad, missing in action dad, boundary buster dad and a critical dad. Every child’s father is a hero. If a child has a father that’s never available, that child will be messed up, an accident that’s about to happen. When you grow up in a home where there is consistent conflict, you are not normal. Most of these things show when you are about to settle down. It’s sad that people don’t talk about it.

Why  is it that don’t people talk about these issues?

It is because of tradition, culture and  shame. The only thing that is not redeemable is death; shame is redeemable. We are in a world  where people don’t open up. You can’t blame people for not opening up because some people don’t know who to open up to. Religion is also not helping; because depression, aggression and shame are being spiritualised. The Church that is supposed to be a solution is not helping matters. As a result, people are looking for help in wrong places.

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There are situations where some people had their lives altogether. They grew up from good homes and background yet still end up in wrong relationships and even break-up. Some of these relationships end at the point of marriage. What could have been the issue in this scenario?

It’s still a part of dysfunctionality. We speak different love languages. For example, if your love language is words of affirmation and you never get that from your parents, it’s  going to be an issue. For a child that loves gifts and the parents refuse to give such a child gifts, the child will shut down because the love language is not spoken. When such a child goes out and  meets a guy that buys a gift for her, that person is trapped. The guy might even be a user, an abuser but the fact that he speaks her language has blinded her sense of judgment. In a nutshell, parents should pay attention to their children’s needs and attend to them.

What is your advice for youths out there?

Your background should not put your back on the ground. You have a choice. Life is a choice. You make your choice; your choice makes you. We are all products of our different choices. Coming from a dysfunctional home, dysfunctional parenting, having to be raised from the ghetto does not stop you from fulfilling destiny. Ask yourself some mind-probing questions. Are these things about me normal? Do I take to correction? Do I want to be corrected? Do I hate having a father figure or the image of an elderly person in my life? Can I handle someone that’s telling me I’m wrong or do I just go in and shut down? Recently, a mother called me and said she confronted her nine-year-old daughter and she started packing her things. That’s a bad sign. That means one day she will have a disagreement with her husband and she will start packing her things.

What I’m saying is that you should look inward. You cannot cry over split milk but you clean the mess. That’s how I think it can be solved.  Before you go into any relationship at all, before you add another life into your life, deal with your baggage. How high can you fly with a bag or 10 bags of cement on your head? It’s not possible. You cannot go farther than what you have. Some people have lost jobs because of their human relationship and character. Use your emotions to relate with your world. Work on yourself.

In the world today, we are already living on an explosive bomb because nobody is addressing this. That’s why there is cultism, cybercrimes, rape, robbery, all sorts; it’s all loaded in the family in the family system. A home front that tells you to go and make it by force and by fire will force you to go into cybercrime. Everybody stems from a home and it’s so much to talk about.

NIGERIAN TRIBUNE