One major factor in conflict resolution is that there are things that cannot aid resolution. That is, conflicts cannot be resolved if we engage in those things. So, in marriage, those things must be avoided if true conflict resolution is to happen. We will be considering some of the things I term abominations in conflict resolution.
However, let me state that if any meaningful resolution is to be achieved, couples must embrace the children’s presentation or posture on conflict resolution. One thing we all know is that when children quarrel, it doesn’t last for long. It happens suddenly, and disappears suddenly. Children don’t dwell on issues in their conduct. They keep issues in the head and not in the heart. One minute, they quarrel; the next minute, they are playing again. Children don’t have a heart where hurts can be kept.
It’s the adults who can dwell on issues of many years. That’s why you can hear a husband or wife reeling out offences of his or her spouse that happened twenty years ago, as if they happened yesterday. It’s like adults find it difficult to embrace the popular saying that “If we don’t forget yesterday’s quarrel, we won’t have friends” (Ti a ko ba gbagbe oro ana, a ko ni ri enikan ti a o ma ba sere).
So, let us have it at the back of our minds to be child-like in conflict resolution ─ we cannot help but quarrel, and once it happens, we must resolve it as soon as possible.
Traits to keep out of a marital relationship to have meaningful conflict resolution.
- Revenge ─ “Do me, I do you. God no go vex.” “An eye for an eye.”
This is a terrible approach to conflict resolution. You cannot resolve your conflicts by waiting for an opportunity to strike back at your spouse. I have heard people say, “If they ask you how it feels, now you know it,” or “When you did your own, didn’t you know that there is payback time?” This is a bad approach to resolving conflicts between a couple. We must, therefore, avoid it like a plague.
- Nagging. Nagging doesn’t resolve conflicts, rather, it allows them to fester. According to the Oxford dictionary, to nag means the following:
-Someone (especially a woman) who annoys people by constantly finding fault
-Bother persistently with trivial complaints
-Remind or urge constantly (or repeatedly)
-Worry persistently
The evil in nagging is that it’s so annoying that it gets on the nerves of others. One keeps wondering what the problem is, and thus makes one adamant or develop thick skin about the issue. The aim of putting pressure to get positive response from one’s spouse is thus defeated. Nagging will not get the desired resolution.
- Malice. This is a terrible attention-seeking approach to resolving conflicts. It manifests as giving attitude to one’s spouse, refusing to engage in verbal communication or employing monosyllables in communication, refusing to eat food prepared by one’s spouse, etc. Malice is like a cancerous tumour that fester easily if not nipped in the bud. A malice-keeping spouse should not think he or she will get the desired results for conflict resolution. It could worsen the situation instead of resolving it.
- Negotiation for resolution. This involves giving unreasonable conditions for resolution. You don’t take undue advantage of conflicts to make unreasonable demands on your spouse. If compelled to be met, especially when desperate for the resolution of the conflict, such demands may eventually be jettisoned, manifesting as failed promises. It could also end up being a ground for revenge from the other spouse when the table turns.
- Blackmailing. This involves giving a dog a bad name to hang it. It magnifies the spouse’s weakness, passes errors or offences. You blow it open as much as possible for the world to know it. The terrible aspect is one that throws up non-existent behaviour or acts, just to nail your spouse, like saying “He is a pathological liar,” when he is not, and vice versa. Blackmailing can also manifest in exaggeration. This is a bad approach to resolving conflicts.
- Unforgiving posture. No matter what you tell some spouses or how much you plead with them for forgiveness, it’s always like throwing up a handmade fan, which ends up falling on its side. It’s like they have closed up on forgiveness for their spouses. I think it’s only about cultism that I have heard that “forgiveness is a sin.” So, not finding it in one’s heart to forgive one’s spouse is a bad trait in resolving conflict in marriage. Some people are quick to say that even if they forgive, they won’t forget. The truth about it is that once you don’t forget, you have not truly forgiven, and if opportunity presents itself, revenge becomes easily inevitable. So, where is the resolution of the conflict in this?
- Postponed and delayed revenge. A lot of wives are guilty of this postponed revenge. They will wait till their husbands grow old, and then start serving them breakfast as dinner. That’s when they keep moving from one child’s house to the other, playing grandma roles, without blinking an eye about how their husbands will cope in their absence. After all, the husbands have had their own time, frequenting the clubhouses without the wives. This is not a good attitude to resolve conflicts in marriage. You should not postpone the jail term for your spouse.
Another dimension of this is to start paying your spouse back in his or her coin when economic power changes hands. Some spouses wait till the sword is in their hand before paying back their spouses. I know wives who have become unruly because now they can survive economically on their own. Also, some husbands are terrorising their wives because they have come into sudden wealth, as a revenge mission for years of disrespectful attitude suffered at the hands of their wives, due to their weak economic power or economic meltdown.
We all must avoid the above and others in conflict resolution. They are ill wind that does no one any good.
- You can avail yourself of copies of my books, ‘Enjoying Great S3x Life’ and ‘How To Help Your Wife Enjoy S3x’. Please, contact 08112658560 for details. SMS only.
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