Favourite child syndrome: The influence of parental preference on their children’s mental health

Bola is the middle of five children. Her older sister was “the pretty one”. Her younger sister was “the baby”. Her two brothers were automatically valuable as the boys. She was nothing, not the first, last, a male or particularly beautiful by her family’s standards. She describes her childhood as being invisible. She worked fiercely to excel, graduated top of her class, earned a scholarship to study abroad, and built a successful career in the UK. She financially supports extended family, including siblings and parents. Despite her achievements, her parents still barely acknowledge her. When her “pretty” sister (who’s achieved less but married well) visits, it’s a celebration. She is resigned to the situation and it no longer bothers her.

Chidi is the first and only son of his parents. He was the favourite amongst his siblings, and he knows this destroyed his family. He was treated like royalty, attended the best schools, studied abroad, and received startup capital from his parents. His sisters, on the other hand, were told to manage and were constantly reminded that they were girls whenever they complained or needed help. His sisters barely speak to him now. Family gatherings are tense. Two sisters have cut off contact entirely. He feels a sense of guilt and feels like he has lost his sisters. He is now trying to reach out to them and make amends. He enjoyed the attention growing up but with hindsight, he realises now that it was very destructive and certainly not worth it.

Discussion

The favourite child syndrome, also known as the golden child syndrome, occurs when parents consistently show a clear preference for one child (or some children) over others. Psychologists call this phenomenon Parental Differential Treatment (PDT). Favouritism can show as unfair distribution of resources, unequal emotional investment, public comparisons, or subtle but consistent patterns of preference. It can also be shown in behaviours such as direct statements of favouritism, unequal praise and criticism, and body language and tone differences when communicating with different children.

Systemic favouritism may occur for a variety of reasons. Sometimes, it is gender. Traditional Nigerian culture values male children over female children, and boys often end up getting preferential treatment. Firstborn and lastborn children in Nigeria also have special status that often causes different expectations and privileges. Children who excel academically, professionally, or financially become favourites. Nigerian families also favour children who fit the beauty standards or resemble a favoured parent or relative. Some parents also tend to favour children whose personalities match their preferences. In polygamous families, children of the favourite wife get preference, while in second marriages, the children from the ‘current’ spouse are favoured.

Consequences of favouritism

● Burden on ‘favourite child’: Even though the favourite child has a lot of privileges, they are also harmed by the family dynamics. There is the burden of being the family’s hope and the attendant undue expectations, as well as guilt. Some favoured children thrive despite this. Others develop anxiety or damaged relationships with siblings they actually love but can’t connect with because of the favouritism wedged by the parents. They may also develop an entitlement mentality that hurts them all through their life and career.

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● A lifetime of pain in the ‘unfavoured child’: The unfavoured child often experiences serious, lasting psychological damage. In childhood, they experience confusion, pain, feelings of inadequacy, and a desperate need to please or emotional numbness. As they become adolescents, this can lead to identity struggles and emotional dysregulation, resulting in anger, resentment, depression, and risky behaviours like substance abuse and risky sexual behaviours. These problems can persist into adulthood and affect career, romantic relationships, friendships and even friendships. They may be driven to wanting to ‘show others’ that they have done well for themselves in an unrealistic manner.

● The destruction of siblings’ relationships: Our siblings are our first source of social support. When this relationship is ruined by parents’ favouritism, it can ruin the family due to long-term resentment, pent-up frustration and anger.

● Negative impact on parents’ mental health: Even though this dynamic is a result of parents’ actions and inactions, it also poses a significant stressor for their own health, especially in old age.

Recovering from the effects of favourite child Syndrome

● Acknowledge your pain and privileges

● Separate your worth from parental validation

● Address siblings’ relationship honestly

● Build a chosen family of friends and new connections

● Break the cycle of resentment and anger and rise above it.

● Seek professional help and therapy if necessary

How to treat children equitably

● Recognise that different children have different needs, interests and personalities.

● Distribute resources fairly

● Celebrate each child’s unique qualities

● Make expectations and discipline consistent

● Never compare your children or hold up one as a gold standard

● Spend alone time with each child

● Seek family therapy if needed