Gender based violence, unwanted pregnancies and family: Part I

Case A

Case 1:Bose is a 16-years-old secondary school student when she was raped on a date and she became pregnant. She did not confide in her parents about the rape when it took place….especially because it was her boyfriend, and she simply hoped and prayed that it would be deleted from her memory.

But she took ill and taken to hospital, where her pregnancy was confirmed. Her father was mad, chased her out of the home, and disowned her. It became worse because the boy denied responsibility. She dropped out of school, became depressed, and took up odd menial jobs.

She became bitter at the cruel fate life had dealt her, and she transferred the aggression to her daughter. It didn’t help that the child was a spitting image of her father – same face, smile and laughter. She fluctuated between loving the daughter and feeling anger and hatred for being responsible for her unfortunate life circumstances.

The daughter also grew up troubled and she sought the missing affection and love at home in the hands of those who claimed to love her in school. She became pregnant in SS1 and dropped out of school. Her mother simply heaped insults on her for being irresponsible like her useless father.

Case 2:

Fatima was in SS2 and a brilliant science student when she had sex for the first time with her boyfriend. She was convinced they loved each other and he had assured her she couldn’t get pregnant if she took some tablets he had obtained from a chemist. However, she started feeling sick after a few weeks.  Her parents took her to the hospital, and she knew from their faces that she was pregnant.

She cried bitterly, as she buried her face in the pillow. She simply couldn’t bring herself to see the look of disappointment and hurt on their faces. However, they both came and sat on either side of her bed and her father gently told her to sit up. They then hugged her and reassured her that they loved her and would be there for her.

The boyfriend denied responsibility but her parents told her not to worry; they would take the baby off her and ensure she completed her education. She returned to school after having her baby and excelled in her examinations. She won a scholarship to study in Canada, where she met her husband.

She told him about her past but he didn’t mind. They are now happily married and her first son along with two other children she has had live happily together. She was recently promoted to the rank of professor in her university.

Discussion

What the two case scenarios highlight is the pivotal role of families in determining outcome and potential inter-generational trajectories. Children and young persons frequently make mistakes, not because they are irresponsible or out to embarrass their parents but simply because they are young.

The part of the brain that is responsible for logical and analytical thinking matures fully around the age of 24 years. So, while parents can do their very best to guide and nurture young people, there should be allowance and a recognition that they can’t be perfect and logical in all their actions or inactions.  When they make mistakes, it is the role of parents, teachers and the society to correct guide and redirect them in a way that does not break them.

Role of Parents: They need to be close to their children, earn their trust and confidence, and be honest with them. Parents should desist from painting this picture-perfect image of never having stepped out of line all their life. Sometimes the best way to earn their trust and teach them is to share personal experiences of your mistakes and how you learnt from the experience.

In any case, by the time your child is 15 years old, they no longer need long sermons from you….they have observed you like a book all their life and they know YOU….warts and all. Be the parent, use your experience to guide them to finding their own feet. Support them when they falter. Protect them from abuse and be vigilant especially around relatives and domestic help. Don’t trust your child with anyone. And let them know to report any issues to you – no matter what.

Role of Schools: Teachers should stand in the gap for parents with the children under their care in school. They need to understand the psychology of children and be supportive. The words of teachers carry a lot of weight for the young and impressionable students.

Do not speak negatively about any child never amounting to much. An excellent teacher is the one who inspires and motivates the children to do their best.

To be concluded next week

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