The fight of love in marriage

T HERE is a way that couples’ fight is a strong point in the relationship. That is, the infighting is actually a sign that the marriage is healthy. This is when a marital fight is referred to as the fight of love. So, it is not all couples’ fight that is bad for the marriage. There is a way couples fight can actually be a positive sign or act in the relationship. In such instances, it means that the marriage is still working, and the couples are fighting to save, rather than break it. Such boils down to a way of maitaining the relationship. When a couple no longer fights in a marriage, then you can conclude that the marriage is already dead, waiting only for the undertaker’s services.

For avoidance of doubt, fight or fighting here doesn’t include physical assault, rather it means normal verbal squabbles or quarrels. Like my mentor calls it, reasoning together powerfully. This is good for the health of the marriage.

The following are signals that a marriage is healthy, and worth fighting for.

 

• Fighting over loneliness

When a couple’s fight centres around the issue of overcoming loneliness, you can conclude that the marriage is still healthy. When the couple’s complaint centres around the fact that adequate attention is not given towards spending time together as one, it is a good sign that the couple is still in love. When a couple no longer care about the marriage, attention is shifted to each other’s Independence.”Whenawomanisengagedinarelationshipwithallherheart,she’shigh-maintenance,”says

Doherty.(A relationship expert and author ofTake Back Your Marriage)Butifsheusedtodemandattentionanddoesn’tanymore,don’tchalkituptoheracceptingyouforwhoyouare.”Shemayhavegivenuphereffortstosaveyourmarriage,”

 

• Fighting over sexual intimacy

Fighting over sex in marriage is healthy when the couple does so to make room for more sex.If a couple nolonger care about the sex life, the marriage may be as good as dead. One of the purposes of marriage is sexual fulfilment, and it is a strong intimacy connect.Ponder about sex for a minute. Okay, job,child care or career pursuit may cause a lull in the sexual act for a while. But, when a couple no longer talk about or fight for a great sex life, it’s no longer normal. “The first red flag is when there’s a change in your sexual relationship,” says Jennifer Berman, M.D., founder of Berman Women’s Wellness Center, in Beverly Hills, California.

 

• Fighting over keeping malice

All couples fight. But the questionhere is what follows the fight. Is it that communication becomes mono syllable, or fluid and warm? Do the partners keep working to return to the warmth of the relationship, or ready for a fight to finish stand? When the couple fight to end the quarrel, or fight off malice, it is healthy for the marriage.

 

• Fighting over hangout with friends

A couple who cares about who is the hanging out friends is in a healthy marriage. “If your social world involves playing basketball with other married guys, and she takes on new friends who are single—or pulls away from your married friends—you’re orbiting different suns and that will make you grow apart,” says Doherty, adding that this move is often totally unconscious, but it can be dangerous. While a married woman is inclined to offer her female friend advice on how to overcome conflict with her husband, single women are more likely to say “Come join us!”

 

Fighting over giving attention to persons of the opposite sex

You can simply call this jealousy, and a little bit of it is healthy in marriage. It means that you find your spouse attractive and will be ready to fight off intruding persons, especially if they are of the opposite sex. If your spouse find out at a party that you are head over heels with a person of the opposite sex, and it does not become a subject of reference, in a most subtle way, it may be a pointer that all is not well with your marriage. “When you spend a few minutes chatting with a Gisele look-alike. When you get home, does your wife say, “Who was that floozy?” If so, feel good about your marriage, says Doherty. A hint of jealousy means that she thinks you’re attractive, she expects other women to find you attractive, and she wants you all to herself. Sometimes men process a lack of jealousy as “a free pass to flirt with other women,” says Doherty. Think about that. “If she really doesn’t give a rip, it’s not a good thing,” he explains. It means she’s less invested, and, he says, “She might be thinking that if you left for another woman, it wouldn’t be so bad.”

The above are to help couples assess how healthy their marriage is, and become proactive before the situation deteriorates into a level of the journey of no return, from infidelity to outright staying apart or divorce. Such fights of love are a plus rather than a minus to the marital relationship.

 

My book, Enjoying Great Sex Life, is still available for sale. Please call 08112658560 for details.

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