Parenting: Failing, falling, faltering?

Last week Tuesday, the world marked the Global Day of Parents. OLARONKE JAIYEOLA, in this piece, X-rays what parenting entails and, with experts’ opinions, offers a guide to successful ways of raising a balanced child.

Eric (not real name) is 17 and, to him, the future is very bleak. He believes life is not worth living. He had not felt the love of parents all his years. Now, he is roaming the streets, smokes Indian hemp and was arrested recently for burglary. The parents are still alive, struggling to make ends meet. They leave home early in the morning and return very late at night. The children, Eric and his two sisters, are at the mercy of friends and neighbours. The idea of a weekend is non-existent, as their parents hardly stay at home. To the parents, only God can help raise children, with the belief that the children will survive anyhow.

Eric’s sister, Susan (not real name) was also impregnated by his friend who often stays with them in their house. The last born of the family, Mercy (not real name), is also being sexually harassed by another neighbour a night-guard, who after promising to give her money and food, slept with her.

Most of the time, when issues like these arise, parental failure is often fingered as the cause, a situation whereby parents shirk their duties in raising their children under a conducive condition of love and care.

In order to underscore the role of effective parenting, the United Nations on September 17, 2012, declared that the Global Day of Parents would be held annually as it recognises parents as vital in providing protection and positive development for their children.

Today, in Nigeria, with the current economic, security, academic, health and social challenges, the question is, are children enjoying good parental care?

In his contribution, a Psychologist, Dr Oluseyi Alakija, who is the Director, Strategic Communication and Development, Redeemer’s University, Ede, Osun State, said parental neglect, all in the search of resources to take care of their children, often lead to parental failure with children ending up in bad situations.

“It is a bit more complicated because of the type of irresponsible leadership we have in our nation,” he said.

Dr Alakija reiterated that parents share a greater part of the blame because of the absentee type of parenting some offer their children, all in their pursuit of survival.

“They failed to realise that children learn more from what they see and hear. Also, children are like young tender plants that must be shielded until they are fully formed in discipline and character before being exposed to the harsh weather conditions of life which is capable of reforming them if not completely destroying them.

“Parents (often) abandon their children at the most crucial stage of life, when their inputs are mostly needed. This disposition make the children vulnerable to life-threatening and damaging conditions which they will now need to devote more time to in order to have some form of relief. This is because some of the scars of abandonment of their children may remain for life,” he said.

Going forward, the psychologist said the pieces of the lives of young people who had turned away from the right path must be carefully picked up with an intention of rehabilitation back to a normal life as much as possible.

“All efforts at rehabilitation (of such children) will not be effective without the willingness and readiness of parents to be fully involved. A child, who is involved in the use of substance, needs to be taken to a reliable facility that is within the financial reach of the parents for substance use disorder treatment. Part of the process will include cognitive behavioural therapy that will help him change his ways of thinking and his actions.

“Such a child who probably got pregnant due to parental neglect will also need to be shown love and support through the process of pregnancy so that the chances of her safety and that of the baby will be guaranteed, because abortion is not even an option in this case at all. A molested girl also requires medical and psychological interventions. There is also a need for family therapy. This will focus on reuniting the family,” he said.

Looking at how parents are to raise wholesome children even in the face of moral decadence, a cleric, Pastor Yemi Adeoti, who is the Lead Pastor of the Dare to Dream Christian Centre, Ibadan, said parents are firstly to love their children unconditionally.

He said children need to be convinced of their parents’ love, as it will help with their development and make them to turn out better, adding that they would not be looking for love in the wrong places, because they find the right expression of love in their parents.

Another thing parents can do to raise balanced children, according to the cleric, is to be good examples to them.

He said most times, parents are guilty of “do as I say, not do as I do” syndrome.

“You can influence a child well by being an example. Be practical and let them see you as good examples in all ramifications – spiritually, emotionally, physically and financially, “Pastor Adeoti said.

Bringing children up in the way of the Lord, according to the cleric, is another step in raising balanced children.

He stressed the importance of prayer and discipline, stating that: “Correct them in love, but make them see the positives in the discipline you are trying to instill in them. You must not love them too much that you cannot discipline them, otherwise that will lead to their ruin.”

Speaking on the rights of a child from Islam’s point of view, a cleric, Abdkabir Fasasi Balogun, of At-tanzeel Islamic & Arabic School, Ibadan, said every child has the right to a healthy start in life. He said the Islamic Sharia pioneered a faith and ethics-based set of precepts to guarantee genuine implementation by the parents.

“Sharia attends to child with care long before birth. It urges the mother to safeguard her foetus and do all she can in order to prevent termination of pregnancy. The foetus has the right to be protected against its mother subjecting it to any kind of harm, such as malnutrition,” he said.

The cleric also said there is the right of a child to health care and proper nutrition, adding that it should begin inside the womb, with the mother making sure she is well-nourished.

“It is for this reason that Sharia makes it incumbent upon the husband to sustain the mother and child and to increase her share of food and drink so as to remain healthy. It is his duty as well to provide her with psychological care.

“The two parents must pay utmost attention to observing fully their duties toward their expected child on the one hand, avoiding whatever may harm the child, and, on the other hand, taking all necessary measures to enhance the child’s chances of enjoying good health.

“The principles of Islamic Sharia offer males and females equal opportunities in education; this should be granted serious consideration. In a Hadith, the Prophet, (Peace Be Upon Him), said: ‘The seeking of knowledge is obligatory upon every Muslim male and Muslim female,”he explained.

Speaking on how the issue of parenting contributes to the number of out-of-school children, the Oyo State SUBEB chairman, Dr Nureni Adeniran, said: “In Oyo State, when this new administration came on board, the introduction of free education programme has attracted so many children who had hitherto been out of school, because, however little we believe the money is, some parents could not still afford it.

“By the time we came on board, there were about 383,000 students in public primary schools, but as of the last census on schools, we have about 455,000 students now in public primary schools, which is a significant increment in terms of enrolment.

“Secondly, we also found out that some people don’t even value education. However, in our own setting here, it is quite different. Sorry to say; there are some men who only know how to sleep with women but would not take care of children not to talk of parenting them.

“For you to know that the choice of parenting style is very important and instructive, I remember a particular term in my primary school days when I came second in my class instead of the usual first position. Declining from first to second position meant I had already committed an offence. When my teacher would now finish me, he wrote in the comment box of my report card that ‘although he is very brilliant, he is too playful.’

“My father beat me silly that day. His style of parenting gave me a brain reset and I had to align with his principles and standards. The following term, I reclaimed the first position in my class. I also had to be well behaved because of his parenting style. At the end of that session, I got prize as the best student, another as the best behaved and the last as the neatest student.

“And my mother, of blessed memory, died 35 years ago. She ensured I stand straight despite my height. I owe this too her. Should you slouch, walk bent or chest out, she would hit you to stand straight. With that, I am always conscious of standing and walking straight whenever my mother was around. Later in life, when I became the man of my own, I now appreciate all my parents have done in my life.”

Corroborating this stance, a parent, Mr Olawale Omotayo, said in raising children, parents must be present every step of the way and be responsible in every sense of the word.

He said it is not enough for parents to provide the children with all they need, but they must be intentional about allowing their children be who they want to be, though with their guidance.

“They must be allowed to make and learn from their mistakes. Children must not be coerced into unhealthy competition with anybody. If anything, a child must be lovingly driven to become the best version of their parents. Parents are to guide and not impose a career path on their children. They are at their best when they pursue their dreams, not their parents’,” he said.

Another parent, Mrs Anthonia Emmanuel, who said she did not know there was a global day of parents, lauded the United Nations for coming up with such day. She admonished parents to use the day to reflect and make amends where found to be wanting.

“We need to ask ourselves ‘are you leading them by example? Are you an absentee parent? Are you an overbearing one? Are you a parent who compares child A to B? Are you negligent of your responsibilities towards your children?’

“Raising these children with good value system is very important. We must teach them that there is dignity in labour as against the craze of ‘get rich fast syndrome’ the system is breeding. We should raise society builders, kind-hearted human beings, brothers’ keepers and loving and law-abiding citizens,” Mrs Emmanuel said

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