Men and the distractive #NotAllMen

A few weeks back was International Women’s Day and as the usual practice, it was filled with all the usual talkshops, conferences and emails. There were also a lot of reflections, especially in the wake of the sexual violence that led to the death of a woman in London which dare I say is too common. What I particularly found interesting was the response from men. Instead of trending the topic of sexual violence against women, it was ‘#not all men’ that trended. I have always found that mantra quite insulting to women and this is why I would like to discuss the ways in which the hashtag detracts from the struggles of women. First, the statistics already prove that women are not making this up. From a national survey carried out in 2014 on Violence against children in Nigeria, it was reported that “one in four females reported experiencing sexual violence in childhood with approximately seventy percent reporting more than one incident of sexual violence”. Globally, over a third of women have experienced physical or sexual violence by an intimate partner or sexual violence by a non-partner at some point in their lives.

Most of these intimate partners are men. Thus, statistically more men commit sexual violence crimes against women. When women point attention to these crimes and the patriarchal system that enables them and “not all men” is brought up, it is almost like a counter to the facts. As if to say “it is not that bad, after all it is not all of us that do that”. The interesting part of this is the fact that it is often “male allies” who perpetuate this. As Nia Hu points out in her article in The Harvard Crimson, “when male allies attempt to distance themselves from the culture of male supremacy, they fail to acknowledge the structural privileges at work and how they benefit from the current system”. It is often the men who claim to be on the side of women who are quick to distance themselves from the problem forgetting that because they benefit from that culture, they are also part of the problem.

Another issue is that the hashtag puts women on the defensive. Rather than confidently finding solutions to the problems by raising awareness and dismantling patriarchal systems, women begin to spend more time explaining why they do not hate all men. It derails the conversation that should lead to progress and it dismisses the lived experiences of all women. It is incredibly brave of women to come forward with their stories. The emotional labour and trauma experienced when women share their stories on sexual violence is very real. The phrase “not all men” silences the voices of those women by upsetting the conversation. It is like a giant sign telling them that their voices do not matter and men’s feelings matter more. Instead of contributing to the dialogue, men become the centre of it once again while excluding themselves from any responsibility or blame. It undermines the movement men claim to support because it fails to acknowledge the role men play in perpetuating female subordination. In a medium article, Kirsty perfectly captures this, stating: “to ask us to hand out cookies and “Well done for not raping anyone” badges to men who rush to tell us #NotAllMen is unreasonable at best, and insulting at worst”. It insults women when the conversations about their lives are derailed and they are forced to cater to men’s egos and feelings instead of saving their own lives.

Men want us to apologise, to lower our voices and centre them while fighting for our lives. That makes me angry but even that anger is something I am not allowed to feel. It is just one more way the #NotAllMen detracts from the discussions around sexual violence against women. The anger women face when they are forced to confront the hashtag then becomes another derailment. When women are constantly defending themselves while going through pain, it is normal for them to be angry but this anger is often used against them. With the phrase being used to derail conversations that could potentially change their lives, it is easy to become emotional and angry. Yet even this emotional reaction is criticized. Women are not expected to be angry because suddenly that is not the way to win the fight against patriarchal systems. Then it becomes two battles, the battle against patriarchy and its derailment but also a battle to be human enough to feel too. It is particularly interesting to me because the phrase “not all men” is an emotional reaction to the criticism of male supremacy and its oppression. So why are women not allowed to be emotional too? Is that not in itself a testament to the very issues women are complaining against? Why would women not be allowed to acknowledge and shout that most men really do rape, disrespect and even kill us?

All these reasons show that the hashtag detracts from the struggles of women by belittling them, ignoring facts and ultimately denying women their humanity. I think it is important to turn things around. The way forward is to have men really listen. To become better allies, it is important for men to realise that they benefit from the patriarchal system. It is important that they resist and rest the urge to centre themselves in women’s issues. Women already deal with so much, the statistics already prove that they do, so it is imperative that their voices are heard if we are going to dismantle the oppressive system. True allies will retweet and amplify women’s trending issues rather than trend a hashtag that detracts from it and worse of all, insults it. As Kirsty says, “If you … do not recognise yourself in the behaviour described by women recently, then great. Our discussion of it should not offend you or put you on edge. The men who are behaving like allies in this are the ones that are amplifying women’s voices, examining their own behaviour, and not drowning out our conversations in search of praise or validation”.

• Wale-Olaitan is an educationist

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