How to have difficult conversations in the work place (1)

I welcome all my dear readers to a glorious 2023! I pray that the year will bring you hope, joy and fulfilled dreams. It is an election year in Nigeria. May God preserve us all to witness a peaceful voting process and an equally peaceful transition of power in May. If you have not collected your PVC, please go and do so. Bad governments are elected by good people who don’t vote!

Conflicts are part of the everyday reality of corporate processes and functions. They can only be managed, not avoided. One of the most effective ways a Manager can deal with conflict is to be willing to have conversations around them even when such conversations are far from being comfortable.

We usually don’t feel comfortable about them but no matter how much we try to avoid them, if you are a Team Lead, Manager, employer, employee or even parent, you will be involved in difficult conversations either as the initiator of such conversations or as the subject of discourse. As an employer or supervisor, do you recall when you had to explain to someone why their services would no longer be required or why they lost a promotion, or even something as simple as a verbal warning? These are aspects of the Human Resource Management function that no average HR person is comfortable doing and I daresay this is the dimension of the HR function that has literally demonized HR Managers. Yet from time to time, these conversations are necessary.

What makes the conversations difficult? First, as much as practicable, many of us would rather avoid conflict than confront it. Badly handled, such conversations could cause sparks to fly on both sides, resulting in the exchange of unpleasant words that could cause emotional upsets. Second, we don’t like to be misunderstood. People hear as they are, not necessarily as is said. Consequently, Managers sometimes find themselves in the bind of knowing what to say but not knowing how to say it in such a way that the intended message is understood and received with no hard feelings by the person they need to have the conversation with. Third, the Manager is literally having to walk on eggshells because he wants to come out of the conversation as being likeable, smelling like a rose and unwilling to ruffle feathers. Truth be told, however, his primary consideration is that he would not want to leave the conversation with a bruised ego arising from possible negative reactions and insults if the tone of the conversation goes negative.

Difficult conversations become necessary when a particular employee or member of a team appears to be consistently deviating from the corporate vision, especially when such deviation is beginning to affect morale in the team/organization. Even when the affected person is a top performer, going rogue undermines cohesion and the team’s collective outcomes. Whenever performance falls consistently below Key Performance Indicators, it is the signal for such conversation. Furthermore, conversations, moreso difficult ones, could arise from racial, cultural or diversity issues. An underperforming team member or employee who is of a different skin colour from his superior may play the race card when confronted with his shortcomings. Sometimes, it could be a superior that is guilty of racial profiling.

When issues as sensitive as race, tribe, culture begin to arise and play dominant roles in the processes of corporate function, Managers must step in and nip them in the bud before they fester. The purpose of such intervention is to redirect everyone’s focus to the overarching collective outcomes or goals and the inherent strength in diversity as the team moves to accomplish those outcomes. One other area that necessitates conversations no matter how tough, is when a team member is seen to be constantly in the nerve-grating sand-paper mode in his relationship with other members of the team. In a team, ego must be subordinated to purpose. Personal interests and pursuits must find expression in the collective context. But some people have a short fuse and fly off the handle with minimum provocation or when things don’t go their way. An overbloated ego and its attendant temperament issues must be addressed before they become toxic to the establishment.

How can we conduct difficult conversations? How do we disagree without being disagreeable?

Whether the conversation is with a family member, an employee, a colleague, a subordinate or a boss, whenever we have to address issues that are thorny but pertinent, some rules of engagement will help us to facilitate the process and make the process conducive and comfortable as much as possible for everyone concerned. No matter the subject of discourse – wages, performance, attitude, promotion, disengagement or exit interviews, or common but nonetheless challenging family or relationship issues – difficult conversations demand a high level of Emotional Intelligence. This entails the capacity to say, “Go to hell!” in a way that actually makes the other party look forward to the journey! Even though the suggestions can find universal applicability, this discourse intends to focus on the workplace environment.

You set the tone of the conversation by the environment you create around you and the venue of the conversation. Remember, it’s a conversation, not an inquisition! Welcome the other party with a smile, an offer of coffee or tea, a comment or compliment, a brief chat on a matter of general interest that makes them relax and let down their guard. When people are in the office of a superior, their defenses are naturally up! As much as possible you don’t want that. So, get them talking before you actually need to talk to them.

From the informal chit-chat, navigate the conversation to the actual PURPOSE of your meeting with them and how important it is for both parties to arrive at a meaningful resolution that results in a win-win situation. Nobody wants to come out of an engagement holding the short end of the stick. When the other party knows that the engagement with you, even if around an issue that could result in his exit from the organization, would end on a note that spells a win, no matter how small for him, he will be less tense and defensive. Rather, he will be more forthcoming and cooperative in the discourse. If you start by raising your voice in anger, exasperation or disenchantment with him in a way that immediately makes him feel a dent in his self-esteem, he will fight back. If he feels he cannot fight back, his defences would naturally go up. Keep the main thing the main thing. Focus on the purpose of the conversation and refuse to be distracted.

Next, acknowledge and appreciate something POSITIVE that they have done or are still doing in the areas of past and ongoing contributions, performance, achievements, qualities etc. This is in recognition of the fact that nobody is totally evil. Every dark cloud has a silver lining. Even a dead clock is right twice a day! Everybody responds well to being recognized and praised, especially when such praise is not unfounded or based on obvious flattery. In fact, the conversation may even begin from there and proceed to establishing the purpose for the meeting… continued

Remember, the sky is not your limit, God is!

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