Intimacy

How not to handle marital conflicts

One feature of relationships, including marriage is conflicts. You can’t be in a relationship and think all will just be smooth sailing forever. There will always be a point of conflict. You will offend or be offended by those you are in a relationship with. That’s why someone has described conflict as a true test of any relationship. Any relationship that can weather conflicts is thus said to be of a strong nature. If you think your relationship is strong without passing through the test of conflicts, you are building castles in the air.

Since conflict is a necessary feature of relationships, means must be designed to handle conflicts when they happen. That is why adequate attention must be paid to conflict resolution in marriage, which is the focus of this piece. Conflict resolution must thus be learnt by married couples in order to avoid a breakdown of the relationship, whose height is divorce.

To deal with conflicts in marriage, which is a peculiar kind of relationship, caution must not be thrown to the wind by the parties involved. Otherwise, it may degenerate to a breakdown of law and order. The consequences are grave for the parties and their families, and in some cases, friends. So, we all must do everything to ensure peaceful resolution of marital crisis, even if it will go the path of divorce.

To consider the issue of conflict resolution, I will come from the angle of the wrong approach to marital conflicts. That is, there are ways one should not handle conflicts in marriage. Such ways lead to disaster for the parties, their families and friends, and even the society at large.

The nature of the conflicts will also determine the responses of the parties to it. Adultery, disrespectful acts, paternity issues are serious conflicts that take their toll on parties in the marriage. As a matter of fact, such can be a height of provocation for a naturally aggressive partner. Many married partners have had to plead provocation in law courts for charges bothering on assault, battery and murder etc.

The personality of the parties also tends to influence the type of responses towards the crisis. As stated above, an aggressive personality, and a highly emotional partner in a marital relationship is a high risk for most of the listed wrong steps toward resolving conflicts in marriage.

The following therefore involve wrong approach to resolve marital conflicts.

Breakdown of communication: Couples must not use malice as a weapon of conflict resolution. Breaking the line of communication in times of crisis will only allow it to fester. So, in crisis moment, it’s bad counsel for parties to keep malice. Rather, communication must be continually engaged in, if conflicts will be resolved.
Physical assault: A considerable number of couples engage in physical assault in settling conflicts in marriage. Husbands are the guiltier in this wise. Though, a few cases involving wives as the aggressive one abound. It’s dangerous and unlawful for married couples to toe this path of physical assault in dealing with themselves in the time of conflict. Its consequences can be very grave, and take one beyond one’s wildest imagination, including death.
Destruction of personal belongings: Couples should not take to the destruction of their personal or joint properties in times of crisis. Houses, cars, household equipment and clothing have been destroyed or set on fire by couples. What a way to deal with each other in a marital relationship.
Emotional blackmail and torture: Nagging, verbal abuse, giving yourselves attitudes, exposing each other’s secrets, spreading unfounded allegations, feigning sickness, are some of the things that can pass for emotional torture and blackmail. Couples must avoid settling conflicts using this style. It’s non effective at all, especially in the long run.
Involvement of Children: Children must be kept out of marital conflicts. Couples often try to win the sympathy of their children by manipulating them unto their sides during crisis. I always tell my children not to meddle in issues concerning my husband and me. It’s none of their business, and we do all to let them mind their business, while we mind our own business as well.
Alcohol and hard drugs usage: In order to escape the reality of conflicts in marriage, many husbands and wives result to drinking themselves to stupor, especially husbands. That’s why club houses are filled up with men who go there as an escape route from the crisis ridden home front. Wives who don’t go clubbing stay at home to busy themselves with alcohol and even drugs. This is not the solution at all to marital conflicts. It’s like postponing the evil day.
Murder: Marital conflicts have claimed lives of parties at various times and places. Resulting to violence is definitely a bad response to conflicts. It must be avoided like a plague.
Suicide: Suicide is a resultant effect of marital conflicts at times. Some people’s nature is fragile and easily caves in under pressure. Such people are easily prone to suicide. But, with self-control, and courage to face the challenging situations, it can be overcome. Suicide definitely is out of the solution to conflicts. Couples should do all to avoid it, by not pushing each other over the edge into it.

The greatest restraining power over these wrong steps toward resolving marital crisis is self-control. This is the ability to restrain oneself in the face of provocation or pressure, from taking irrational decisions. Self-control helps to enable one think through situations before responding. It’s a matter of one looking before leaping, in order to avoid a leap from fry pan into fire.

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