Dealing with a toxic spouse

One of the evil things we must deal with in marriage is a toxic spouse. This is coming up today as provoked by the story of a husband who just killed his wife by knocking her down with a car and mangling her by running the car over her body several times. What a sad occurrence.

Since reading this news, I have not been able to recover from the shock of such a dastardly act towards a fellow human being, especially one’s professed love and married partner. What a wicked thing to do in handling conflicts in this marriage. It does not add up ─ covenanted persons by marriage becoming covenant enemies. It’s sad. I just can’t wrap my head around it. I feel overwhelmed with grief.

Let us look at the following things about handling a toxic spouse

• What is toxic, a toxic spouse, and a toxic marriage?

The word toxic means a poisonous substance or object or someone.  According to a write-up, “Originally, the word toxic was used when referring to a hazardous material that may cause harm to a person, such as poisonous chemicals. But since 2018, its use when referring to people has become more popular. The term is used to define behaviour that is unpleasant or malicious towards others.”

In this wise, the word “toxic” is used to describe a person who causes distress in others’ feelings and lives through negative words and actions. Concerning marriage, a toxic spouse is someone who brings conflict and negatives to his or her partner’s life. Such spouses are often controlling, manipulative, aggressive, and overtly abusive. They are like “timutimu ko egbin da sinu” according to my local Yoruba adage, meaning a local mattress is full of all sorts of materials used in its manufacturing process.

• Toxic behaviour is not without reasons

According to the write-up by Oxford CBT, a person who acts in this way may be suffering from low self-esteem or other mental health conditions. They have experienced childhood trauma in some way or have deep-rooted personal issues. The person may even have a disorder called Narcissistic Personality Disorder.

Research also states that people may have dark personality traits that show themselves in a way where they put their goals and interests ahead of everyone else.

In the case under reference, the husband had lost his job ─ hence, the loss of his self-esteem. Any spouse in their situation should necessarily be cautious in dealing with each other to avoid such catastrophe.

While the toxic spouse may have reasons he or she may be acting in the way they are acting, the consequences of being toxic cannot be explained away or are less hurtful or painful. Being around a toxic spouse, you may even be made to feel like it is your fault for feeling the way you do about him or her. This should not be swallowed by you, as it is often the reason why the toxic spouse is unrestrained for long till the kind of damage experienced in our storyline happens. It is important to remember that it is not your fault that they are the way they are. You are not the cause.

Note also that it is not always easy to identify a toxic person, as the behaviours can be subtle. This is because such persons could be manipulative, especially if it is a personality disorder. If it’s also a case of a gradual development as a result of loss of self-esteem out of loss of a job or any other misfortune, it may not be easily identified. So, spouses must be vigilant to spot a developing toxic situation in their marriage.

How to deal with a toxic spouse

• Communication is key to sorting things out with a toxic spouse. Some of them may not know that they are toxic or have gone toxic. So, it’s important to point out your feelings or displeasure about such a spouse. This is key to every relationship and could be a recovery aid for a toxic spouse.
• Don’t own the problem of a toxic spouse by believing you are capable of changing him or her. Let him or her seek professional support. You can’t change your toxic spouse because you are the object of his or her behaviour ─ you are the targeted victim. Your efforts beyond leading him or her to professionals will not likely be successful since you have become suspect in his or her sight.
• Avoid the dramas of the toxic spouse. He or she will always drag issues or seek issues to drag with you. As much as possible, therefore, avoid such dramas with him or her. Like in our story, the wife could have avoided going after him for the damaged safe box. It was what gave him the opportunity to execute his abusive act leading to her death. Anyone with a toxic spouse must do all to restrain himself or herself from dragging issues with him or her.
• Protect and put boundaries in place in your marriage. Know when to hold on, let go, or bring in third parties (parents, relatives, friends, etc). Learn to ‘sleep with one eye open’, and be sensitive. Your case in that wise is like a person treating a mad person. You must stay alert always ─ otherwise, you will be at harm.
• Cut him or her off. This must be done swiftly without emotions. A toxic spouse is a dangerous one that must be treated like that. So, separation of accommodation, meeting with others in attendance, avoiding being in the same environment as much as possible, or outright dissolution of the marriage are ways to cut him or her off. You can’t afford to live in a toxic environment, not to talk of living with a toxic spouse for long.

• You can avail yourself of copies of my books ‘Enjoying Great S3x Life and ‘How To Help Your Wife Enjoy S3x’. Please contact 08112658560 for details. SMS only.

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