Intimacy

Assumption: A core crisis point in marriage

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3 years ago

ONE major mistake people make before getting married, and which they may have to live the rest of their lives by is assuming that your spouse will get better in his attitude or behaviour. In one out of ten cases, you will rarely get it right with such an assumption. Marriage does not change you or your spouse. So, stop living in delusion.

Such an assumption is also a core crisis point in marriage. I have been involved in dispute resolution in some marriages that the knotty issue has been along the line of such assumptions. In one situation, the wife was enjoying a relationship of clubbing and night crawling with her husband, during the courtship period. After years of getting married, she started complaining about late night outings of her husband. When peacemakers asked her to state what had changed between courtship and marriage, she said nothing.

So, what was the issue that she didn’t like? She thought her husband would change from late night outings after getting married. But, the husband has remained his humble self, like a leopard that cannot wash off it spots.

The truth of the matter is that, you won’t succeed in changing your man or woman after getting married. No matter how much you try, it will not work out at least, in most cases.

Why is this so? The two of you have been formed into his and her individual personality. You have become like dry fish which breaks in the attempt to bend it. That’s the one major reason of marital conflicts.

Major assumptions about spousal change

Assuming your spouse will change from physical abuse: I had engaged ladies who got beaten up during courtship by their partners. When cautioned about going into marriage with the guy, she convinced herself that it would not continue in marriage. Why? He assured her that it would not happen again, even when it had repeatedly happened more twice in courtship. A man who can afford to beat you in courtship will rarely stop it in marriage. It’s been proven over and over. Such a man is bad insurance market. The risk is too high. If you want to have a peaceful home, don’t be deceived by the promised change of habit of physical abuse, or allow your emotions to run wild. Those who feel it know it.
Assumption that his social life will get better: I heard of a man who got married as a musician, but later became a great preacher. The wife left him, and when pleaded with by well wishes, she confessed that she couldn’t cope with being married to a preacher. That was the end of the marriage. According to her, what she married was the social life of a musician and not that of a preacher.In my opening remarks, the reverse was the case, as the wife got married with the assumption that her husband would change after marriage.

Assumption that the sex would keep your spouse from extra marital affairs: No matter how much sex that is available in the marriage, a spouse given to sexual escapades will not stop it because he or she is now married. That is why someone said that marriage is not a cure for promiscuity. So, it’s foolhardy to assume that you or your spouse will change from being promiscuous. It is a mere fallacy. That’s why infidelity is on the increase these days.

Assuming your spouse will cease from irresponsible behaviour: The truth of the matter is that if a person manifests irresponsible behaviours during courtship, the chances of continuity of such are higher in marriage. This is because in courtship partners are careful in behaviour. They don’t want to come across as bad persons to each other. Rather, they put up impressive acts so that the future of the marriage looks good and great. So if he or she doesn’t joke with money, keeps late night, doesn’t pamper you in courtship, he or she will not fair better in marriage. So, any marriage that is consummated on the assumption of a better responsible behaviour after wedding ceremony is a fallacy. It won’t work. Such an assumption is like believing that a lizard in Nigeria will become a crocodile in United Kingdom.

Assuming that things will always be the same: This includes physical outlook: figure eight, tall and slim, dinner nights, sexual prowess and the likes. The truth is that many things do change in marriage. So, don’t be disappointed about the roundabout shape of your spouse who used to be a figure eight person, or tall and slim guy. Nature can be highly unpredictable. 2 + 2 may just not add up to four at times. Parental responsibility and unexpected nose-diving of financial fortune could force your spouse to be dinner nights incapacitated. Your usual candle night outings may become permanently residential. Sexual prowess doesn’t last forever due to aging and health issues.

The fact is that assumptions of changedbehavioursin marriage hardly come to pass. It is rare, and you cannot predict yours will be an exception. It is better to come straight in the choice than to become stuck in the marriage. Personality traits of many years hardly experience changes. If you have taken the risk, and it’s not working in your favour, you might have reached your bus stop, so you just have to come down and live in the reality of the person you are married to. Otherwise, you may have to use the exit door, especially if it’s tending towards a life-threatening situation.

The only hope you have for a change is turning him or her over to the Maker of heaven and earth, who can do all things, and with whom, all things are possible. If you turn to Him, He may show you mercy.

But it is better not to build your marriage on assumptions if you want to be happily married hereafter. It saves from unnecessary aches and heartbreaks. Building a castle in the air is just another way to state building your marriage on assumptions.

You can avail yourself of copies of my books, “enjoying great sex life”, and “how to help your wife enjoy sex”. Contact 08112658560 for details.

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