When are you married?

X: Are you married?

Y: Not really

X: You don’t know if you are really married?

Y: It is not like that

X: How is it like? Do tell

Y: You ask to too many questions

X: I like to have a clear picture of things

Y: I understand

X: Good. So you are married?

Y: It’s a long story

X: I am patient

Y: How do I explain?

X: Explain. Why is it so hard?

Y: Okay. I have a woman in my home

X: With whom you share kids

X: Yes. She has two kids

Y: You both have two kids

X: Yes. But she is not my wife. Because of the problems I have experienced with women, I did not get married to her

Y: But you went to be introduced to her family

Y: Yes. But we did not go to court. She is not my legal wife.

X: How many years have you been together?

Y: Your questions are tough. Well, like eight years

X: Then you are presumed married. Besides that, you are married under native law and custom

Y: She is not my wife

X: Really?

Y: We didn’t do any engagement

X: Both families were introduced and you got parental blessings?

Y: Well, kind of

X: Kind of?

Y: Okay. Yes.

X: Then you are married

Y: But I love you. I want to marry you. Legally

X: Oh. What happens to the “non-legal” wife in your house and your kids?

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Y: Nothing. She is there. But you will be my legal wife

X: All these denial because of sex

Y: It’s not sex. I love you

X: Some people are very unfortunate

Y: Me? How can you say-

X: Some people?

Y: I will talk to you later. I don’t know why you will call me-

X : (cuts call)

Sounds familiar? You bet it does. But leaving the moral side apart. This tread of conversation opens up quite a lot of issues as to when can one really be said to be married. Since Nigeria has imported other statutes viz a viz native law and custom, the issue of marriage more than any other has continued generate many conflicting issues.

Generally, the two types of marriage are customary and statutory marriage.

People often confuse the first with what they call “engagement” and will often say that the real marriage is not yet contracted. Wrong. The introduction of both families and giving parental blessings to a couple’s union already births the beginning of a marriage. Yes your engagement is your traditional marriage and you are married under customary law and it is not illegal. For it follows a native law.

With the introduction of the western type of marriage. That is, one man and one wife comes what is termed “legal” marriage which is marriage contracted under the Marriage Act and one in which the couple must sign the dotted lines.

Y’s wife cannot sue him because evidently the marriage is a customary law marriage and such does not preclude a man from marrying more wives or contracting another marriage while one is subsisting.

A couple who have been together for a period of seven years or more may be presumed married in Nigeria but unless the above conditions are satisfied, then they are not married.

On the moral side, we often ignore red flags because many a time everyone loves to be loved and accepted. For most us women, we see the danger signs but we almost always do not slow down. We wish it away or ignore it because we are afraid, that the man will go away. In that scenario, the man clearly wanted sex and was prepared to use any way to have it. Even if it’s to try to demean a marriage that obviously existed between himself and his wife for eight years. The lady was not afraid to ask questions. Even difficult ones that could easily end the relationship before it began.

When someone demeans his partner in order to score a point with you, it’s a red flag. Apply the brakes.