What a woman should do when she finds herself in bad marriage —Abiade Abiola

Abiade Olawale Abiola is a lecturer at Faculty of Law, Lead City University, Ibadan, Oyo State, a lawyer, human right activist and the founder of Human of Substance Empowerment Initiative ( HOSEI) Foundation. In this interview by TAYO GESINDE, she speaks on marriage, divorce and options for a bad marriage.

CAN you give us a brief background information about yourself?

I am a lawyer, a lecturer and human right activist. I advocate for women and children’s rights. I believe that our children are getting a very tough deal in our present society, a lot of them are not being mentored, a lot of them are living below the poverty level so, I have a non-governmental organisation called Human Substance empowerment initiative (HOSEI). HOSEI is into all round development and empowerment of women and youth economically and in all facets so that they can be self-reliant and self-sufficient so that they can take their life in their hands and make something beautiful out of it despite the adverse economic situation most women and youths find themselves in. We also help victims of domestic violence get out of the abusive situation they find themselves in. We offer counselling and mediation and when all hopes are lost and everything has broken down irretrievably, we help the victims to resettle and get on with their life by empowering them with a vocational skill they can use to earn money. We help girls who have been raped or that have gone through one trauma or the other by counseling and mentoring them to get through that rocky patch.We teach them to know their rights and to stand for their rights, to believe in themselves and to have confidence in themselves.  We also empower them economically so that they can earn a living instead of going into  prostitution or being vulnerable to the vices in our society.

 

What motivated you to start HOSEI?

The reason why I have such passion for this cause is because I was in an abusive relationship for four years before I left. That situation opened my eyes to the hardship women suffer in our society because when you are in an abusive relationship no one tells you to leave, nobody helps you to get out of the situation, they will rather tell you it is your lot, that all women are enduring, that no woman is enjoying her marriage. They make fun of you and even blame you for being in that situation. Most victims are left unhappy, hopeless, sad and they rot in that situation. Along the way, some of them develop problems, some develop health issues through depression. I went through all that, I developed all kinds of health complication. I nearly ran mad, I had sexually transmitted infection. Being a born-again Christian,  the church was telling me that  God hates divorce so I should stay in the bad marriage. This was a girl that got married as a virgin, when I was 28 and it wasn’t as if I was too young. There was help from nowhere, I was practically dying in that bad marriage and all the society was telling me was stay there, endure, that’s the lot of the woman. It took me to go into my own wardrobe, seek God’s face, rediscover myself and take my life in my hands and say enough is enough, my life is worth much more than this, there is more to life than marriage, even though marriage is important but every individual has a purpose, there are things you are supposed to contribute to the society, to humanity and you have a right to contribute that and nothing is worth losing that privilege for, not even marriage. So, I believe that if a woman finds herself in a bad marriage, if after trying all, it doesn’t work, she has a right to say I want to leave and I believe God is not against that, everybody hates divorce even we, human beings hate divorce but when divorce is the only way out, divorce is good. Instead of killing the man, because I went through the stages of wanting to kill myself, to wanting to kill the man, give him poison or something.

You should be able to live a life you can be proud of, not a life you will be ashamed of, not a life you cannot portray to the public. So I went through this on my own, with of course, little support. It is now that the society is now more accepting when they see people like us because everybody is now realising the fact that even if our culture does not support divorce, it is necessary in cases where they can’t resolve issues, instead of them killing themselves or frustrating their destinies or becoming mad, let them go their separate ways.

ALSO READ: Plateau crisis, conspiracy against federal govt ―Bauchi CAN

Are you saying that if divorce is more acceptable in Nigeria, there won’t be cases of  spousal death?

It’s not only about  support for divorce. Support for divorce is very important. It is about letting people know there is an option, we should not take that option from people, either men or women. The desperation, fear and anxiety that lack of option generated in people who are not happy in their marriages are horrible. It forces them to do things that are not reasonable, things that are not good. They are like cornered animals, when you push them, by the time they get to the wall they will turn back and do something irrational. When you tell people that they cannot leave a bad situation, they will do erratic things. That is wrong, so yes, we have to change that mindset. Let people know that they can always leave if they cannot cope again. Don’t take that from anybody, apart from that, we have to change the mindset of people about marriage. Marriage will always have its own set of challenges, there will always be challenges, but then stop telling the woman to be the only one to shoulder the challenges. It is a dual responsibility, especially when the man is called the head. He is the head and the problem should be dealt with jointly. They should both know that they are responsible for the dealing and the solving of this problem. We must recognise the fact that women and men are equal in right and dignity and they have equal responsibility to make the marriage work.

 

What is the most defining moment of your career as a lawyer?

The most defining moment was the time I found out my passion in women’s right and advocacy. You know as a lawyer, everyone believes that you have to do litigation, so I started with litigation. I did that for about two to three years but I wasn’t fulfilled, it was a very frustrating time in my life but I kept doing it and I kept dabbling into other things until 2013 when I went for a women’s right training in Canada and I discovered that my legal knowledge is not meant to be used in court but is meant to be used to help liberate victims and help humanity. So,  if there is need for court, I could also incorporate that into it because we do litigation for our women. We help them get divorce, custody and  restraining order. So, it is not as though court is totally out of it but when I found my niche was when I found that it wasn’t really litigation but using that knowledge of law to help humanity. That’s what got me into lecturing too, impacting the younger generation of lawyers to know the law and be good lawyers.

 

Speaking about orientation and training, isn’t it the role of the mother that they train their son’s properly:

Definitely, they are doing it. It is just that the scale is still low. That is why we need people like you too. Some parent still doesn’t allow male children work, they effectively incapacitate the male child. If a man cannot take care of himself, he will fall victim. We have to be careful as women, we must treat children to be self-sufficient and not make any task gender specific. As a woman, I have been living alone for how many years now. I must be able to change my flat tire if I have one. I must be able to fix the bulb in my house, check the water in my radiator and all that. A man should be able to cook and take responsibility for his life, or should be able to earn enough to do that. A lot of feminists are training their children right, but some are not. Children have to be happy in their personal life first before they can contribute to the society.