Understanding spousal violence

When a loved one become a terror, how do you deal with such a situation? Two recent high profile cases have dominated the airwaves in the past week. In Abuja last week, a young lady, Maryam allegedly stabbed her husband, Bilyamin, several times resulting in his eventual death.

In Ibadan this Monday, a court found a young lady lawyer, Yetunde, guilty of manslaughter for stabbing her late husband, Lowo, in the course of a disagreement, resulting in his death.

How do we make sense of these situations? Were they suffering from mental illness, as no one in their right senses will beat up or harm their intimate partners/spouses, right? Unfortunately, the answer to the last question is wrong.

Mental illness is not a requirement for intimate partner violence (IPV). We seek to shed some light on this unfortunate phenomenon this week, while highlighting the mental health consequences in the coming week.

First, IPV is very common, with one out of every three women having experienced an abusive relationship at some point; and a woman is assaulted or beaten every nine seconds. Second, men can also be on the receiving end of abusive relationships – even though the vast majority is usually with males as perpetrators; or as victims when the women fight back – sometimes with fatal consequences.

Our culture of shaming and blaming the victims as well as the subtle societal tolerance for these actions (especially when the males are the aggressors) have unfortunately resulted in the ultimate tragedy – death, in some instances. But why do people behave this way? And why is it so difficult to break off such relationships or marriages – before things degenerate into murder or grievous bodily harm? We will attempt to proffer some explanations.

It is helpful to bear in mind, that all of us as human beings are the product of our inherited genes from our parents as well as a product of our experiences growing up – home environment, school environment, religious influence, type of neighbourhood we grew up in – all play a role in shaping our personality and thinking.

In the process of our growing up years and our social development, we all end up having our positives (strengths) and our negatives (flaws). There is no perfect human being. Thus, in a way, we are all damaged goods. The wise man or woman is the one who is aware of his/her flaws and makes a conscious attempt to correct or compensate for them.

Why would anyone be a perpetrator?

Some risk factors increase the chances of individuals becoming perpetrators of intimate partner violence (IPV). These include:

• Growing up in a home where such practices were the norm, or violence was routinely used to settle quarrels. Such a child grows up with the mind set that it is an acceptable way to resolve conflicts.
• Poor upbringing: Growing up in homes where they are indulged and pampered and taught that they can always have their way.
• Low self-esteem: Some individuals suffer from low self-esteem and their dislike for anyone challenging their opinion/views stems from their fragile egos. They may also attempt to use controlling behaviour and exert power over someone else as a way of making themselves feel good.
• Lack of good communication skills: People who are unable to clearly express themselves or their wishes using verbal communication may turn to violence as a means of shutting up a rival (or the spouse) when there is a disagreement.
• Low frustration thresh-hold: Individuals who become frustrated easily, and are unable to handle difficult situations will resort to violence.
• Anger management problems: Persons who do not understand their anger and/or how to handle situations when they become angry may instinctively lash out with violence when they are angry. They then become remorseful afterwards. This is simply a lack of self-discipline.
• Thinking errors: Some people have thinking (cognitive) errors where they misunderstand and misread other people’s intentions and actions (or inactions). More often than not, the misinterpretation is in a negative manner and results in punitive actions or retaliation for the real or perceived offences.
• Use of alcohol and other drugs: Persons who drink alcohol and take drugs are more likely to misbehave when under the influence of these drugs.

Why do people remain in abusive relationships?

There are many reasons working together to increase the difficulty of walking away from such abusive relationships:

• It is extremely difficult to break off long-standing emotional ties and relationships. It requires courage and social support/encouragement from family and friends.
• Societal shame and culture of discrimination against divorcees, and viewing them as ‘failures’.
• The religious and cultural encouragement to ‘forgive’ and ‘endure’ or ‘pray for victory’ when things deteriorate.
• Poor understanding and acceptance of the place of psychological therapy in helping people with anger management issues and aggressive tendencies. Recall that we are all, in one way or the other, ‘damaged goods’? But at the same time, we all have immense potential for so much good, if motivated and harnessed appropriately.