Traits of an abusive marriage

Abusive marriage is one that anyone shouldn’t wish on an adversary. It comes in various shades and versions. It’s something I don’t like to think about because it stirs up emotions in me. Though it’s very common for men to be the abusers, a few cases end up with wives as the abusers. Whatever way, it’s not good for our society and must be fought to a standstill.

Abusive, by definition, means to treat someone badly by coarse, insulting words, or other forms of maltreatment, such as being vituperative, reproachful, and scurrilous, according to the free dictionary, Wiktionary. It involves being physically or emotionally injurious, characterised by repeated violence or other abuse.

For the marriage institution, abuse is characterised by the bad treatment of a spouse in all respects and manner of physical, sexual, and emotional torture. It’s a scary situation that leaves lasting damaging effects on the abused, which may culminate in death, if there’s no timely intervention. This is why it should be a source of serious concern for all.

Traits of an abusive marriage

These tell you that a marriage is abusive. Whenever a marriage evidences any or all of the following traits, it’s suffering from abuse.

Isolation of a spouse: one spouse is isolated from friends, family members, and neighbours. No visitors, no phone calls or outings by the abused. When this is noticed in a marriage, those around and family members and friends must do more than pay lip service to the situation.

 Secrecy: This means information about the family is gagged. The abused is prohibited from talking to anyone, including her siblings and parents, about the affairs of the marriage or family. So, it’s difficult to know what goes on in the marriage. It thrives under the notion “Let’s keep our secrets, secret.”

Physical hurts or bruises: One common way to identify an abusive marriage is physical scars. You notice that the abused, usually the wives, have bloodshot eyes, bruises on the face, broken lips and the like. When you enquire, the answer is very similar ─ a fall in the bathroom or the staircase, a collision with the door, etc. In reality, the common hidden reason is a physical assault on the wife by her husband. Many times, we have ignored such signs or swallowed the proffered reasons, line, hook, sinker, fisherman and his fishing boat, ignorantly, to the detriment of the abused. This must not be allowed henceforth.

Irrational or weird behaviour: Putting words into the mouth of the spouse, living in perpetual fear of the spouse, jittery or incoherent speech. These should trigger anyone’s curiosity about a marriage.

These are just some of the pointers to an abusive marriage. We must watch out for more and be our neighbours’ keeper. Lives can be saved and destinies salvaged through such an intervention.

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Weapons of the abuser

For an abusive marriage to thrive, the abuser usually employs the following weapons:

Intimidation: It means to make someone afraid. Fear is created in the heart of someone. You make one feel weaker and unable to withstand someone or something. The purpose and intent of intimidation is to dominate and control someone for a selfish advantage. In an abusive marriage, fear is created in the abused to dominate him or her, to make him or her dance to one’s tune. That’s why the abused scarcely talks to another person about his or her situation in the marriage.

Control: To dictate to someone what to do or not to do. It’s like issuing a command that must not be disobeyed. This makes the abused vulnerable without going beyond the dictates of the abuser.

 Manipulation: Is the act of exerting undue influence on someone to gain control over him or her, for one’s selfish advantage. Manipulation plays on the mind of someone to make him or her subjective to the ways and manners of the abuser. In marriage, the abused is influenced in such a way as to obey and accept any position or proposal presented by the abuser. It’s usually presenting false narratives about people, events, and situations.

Threats of physical and emotional torture: This is a major weapon of the abuser. It threatens dire consequences for the abused if he or she doesn’t abide by the instructions or wishes of the abuser. Such threats are usually executed at the slightest opportunity to achieve the aim of the abuser.

All these are simply to keep the abused traumatised in such a way to prevent him or her from reaching out to others for help. It takes advantage of the weaknesses of the abused in terms of blind love, poor family background, and previous bad experiences, to traumatise her, in most cases. These make the abused unable to stand up to the abuser. It’s a terrible situation that is unpalatable.

We must all be armed to recognise abusive marriage, as well as be able to confront it head-on to save the vulnerable partners, in terms of the agony or even death, in the worst scenario.

We will conclude on the steps to take to deal with the monster called ‘abusive marriage’ in the next write-up.

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