‘There are still more successful mariages that failed ones’

Lola Akinnitire is a relationship and marriage coach. She is the founder of ‘Let’s Talk Relationship Network,’ an online community for singles and married that is dedicated to transforming relationships. In this interview by KANGMWA GOFWEN, she shares her journey into relationship coaching.

How did your journey into relationship coaching begin?

The journey began unconsciously in my second year at the University of Ibadan. I saw myself constantly having conversations about dating, courtship, and how to have a healthy and blissful marriage. I realized that because of my method of approach in giving relationship advices, many of my classmate and friends would walk up to me and asked me to advise them on their relationships, and coming back to inform me how it worked!  So I got the inspiration and realized that this is my true purpose/calling in life. While growing up, I had discovered that I am so passionate about teens and youths fulfilling purpose, for instance, in my immediate environment, I have seen how the lives and destiny of many young ones have been manipulated, destroyed, damaged and rubbished, so I started using my passion to changes to their mindset by counselling them whenever I got the opportunity.

How long have you been a coach and how do you find the experience so far?

I started coaching officially about seven years ago and the experience has been quite amazing. I am accessible and I provided young people with that listening ear, to share their relationships issues, without being judged. I discovered that a lot needs to be done in reshaping the lives of these young people, many of them lack proper upbringing and peer pressure influence is one ofthe commonest factor responsible for the increasing level of moral decadences in our society. Many parents need to create time for their children. Parents shouldn’t just assume that their children know the right thing to do; they must rather ensure that they model them into doing the right thing.  Young people learn by imitation, so it’s crucial that parent should show them something great to imitate.

You usually have some sessions with teenage girls and boys, how has that experience been?

The experience has enabled me to see things from a different angle; it is disheartening and worrisome to see young secondary school students indulging in all sort of immoral activities. Many of our young girls, who are teenagers, have been exposed to terrible things, rather than concentrating on their education and building their future, they are already messing up themselves with boys. Unfortunately, some of them end up dropping out of school due to reasons like unwanted pregnancies and premature motherhood; some could even lead to death, as a result of complications that came up while trying to abort the pregnancy.

So I thought that to avert and minimize this incessant heart breaking incidents, we can start from the grassroots with an aggressive transformational exercise, so we can catch them young. And one of the things we practically teach and imbibe in them is to master and develop their self-esteem, because most of these young people lack confidence and self-worth, they are often not assertive and rely on others for validation and approval.

Social media has painted marriage and relationships in a very bad light, with your experiences with couples you’ve worked with, what can you say about the impact social media has on relationships and marriages?

It’s quite worrisome that social media announces more about divorce than marriage anniversaries, as bad news spread faster. You see, a lot of folks are condemning marriages on social media, because they come from broken homes and as such, they enjoy propagating news about divorce. I understand that the rate at which marriages collapse now is assuming a social status in our society, and soon, people will be throwing divorce parties and inviting friends and well-wishers to celebrate their divorce anniversaries; they will choose aso-ebi, hire a hall and popular musicians and what have you. But let me tell you, the number of failed marriages is still much lower than the number of successful marriages; it’s just that the society gives more attention to divorce.

I have always advised couples not to bring out their family matters on social media, so they don’t get distracted. You see a lot of social media news have broken countless number of homes, couples should be disciplined and scrutinize every bit of information they read online so as not to cause havoc in their homes.

Society frowns at divorce no matter the reason, what would be your advice to couples in troubling marriages?

I usually tell singles that, if they understand that divorce isn’t an option in marriage, they would coordinate themselves better when choosing a life partner. You cannot get married to a boy and expect him to behave like a man and If you look at the content of marriage vows, you will conclude that even Christians don’t take the vows seriously. We concentrate so much on the ceremony and forget that we made a vow before God, and that it’s better not to make a vow, than to make one before God and break it. I do tell couples often that marriage is not all about love, because spark of love can quench, so if you aren’t committed and if you don’t take marriage vows seriously, it will definitely collapse. Couples should learn the act of forgiveness, because marriage is till death (not murder), do your part. Many are so excited and joyful on their wedding day that they forget that part of the vow.

You founded the “Let’s Talk Relationship Network” tell us about it and what you do there.

Let’s Talk Relationship Network is a platform that teaches young people to have a great relationship that would lead to a solid and awesome marriage. Due to my passion for the young people, I started the network about three years ago, and I am happy that the network is positively change lives.  It is an online community for singles and married that is dedicated to transform, impact, and influence people towards fulfilling purpose. We tackle challenges facing individuals in their relationships and marriages and we also have undergraduate students, teenagers and married couple in this network.  I also facilitate the network by inviting other experience coaches to join me to inspire and transform destinies.

What do you think is the cause of infidelity in marriage/relationship?

You see, establishing the right foundation in every relationship is very important, because whatsoever is built on faulty foundation will always crack.

One thing we should understand that is, 80% of infidelity in marriages has been happening right from the dating period. I know of several women who have caught their husbands having multiple sex partners before marriage but still went ahead to marry them. I would say that we women, when we love, we over love. It’s difficult to believe that we don’t care so much about red flags signs in our relationships till they become a reality to us, then become victims and abusers as a result of our decisions.

Many eventually end up marrying unfaithful or abusers as spouse and become slaves instead of wives in their matrimonial homes. I understand that the reason behind these is that women often think, they have the skills to change and control things after marriage, but sadly, it’s not always like planned. You see, most of these lousy men are the game masters, some women are just the game players.

What I am saying is that it does not happen instantly; an unfaithful partner did not become unfaithful overnight. Another thing I used to counsel couples about is that low sex in marriage can lead to infidelity, you see when sex becomes an obligation or happens occasionally, problems are looming in such marriage. Passionate and satisfying sex is crucial for a successful marriage. It shows the level of intimacy between the husband and the wife. As a woman if your husband has to keep pestering you for sex, you’re making a huge mistake in your marriage. I used to say that men and sex are very synonymous, you see, men generally find sex as a stress reliever, so when stressed, they want sex. But it’s not the same for some women that when stressed they see sex as more stress or even a stress inducer, so couples must learn to communicate.

So far, have you gotten any testimony that your counseling/couching saved a marriage?

Yes, to the glory of God, there have been countless testimonies from people.  The task of coaching is quite challenging, but with the help of the Holy Spirit, the great teacher on my side. There have been positive feedback and it gladdens my heart that God is using me as his vessel and oracle to blessed relationships and homes positively. I am always grateful to God.

What words do you have for couples in troubled marriages or relationships?

Many people believe that you should only seek relationship counselling when separation or divorce is looming, but that is often too late.  Couples should go for counseling. Counseling therapy has been proven over decades to be a way to help an individual when in a confused state. Unfortunately, most troubling marriages often lead to abuse, so if you are experiencing any sort of abuse and you keep quite you are not doing yourself good, speak up!

In addition, couples must train themselves to look at arguments in a more constructive way. There are chances that those mistakes are bound to happen again.